Unabashedly Bad

Chapter 67: Continental Breakfast

2010-11-10T15:25:00.003-05:00

Greetings, beloved readers.

In our last installment, Angel thought about her lovelife as she drove to Jeff's. That was about it. OH, right, yes, she also put gas in her car.

Today: Chris overcooks his bagel. Enjoy!

Chapter 67: Continental Breakfast

Chris rubbed his eyes and waited for the hotel to relinquish his bagel. [I assume that I meant “hotel toaster” or something like that. Either that or this hotel has some weird ideas about key deposits.] He hadn’t slept particularly well after discovering the identity of Barry’s bedmate. Justina had kept him awake for a bit by asking him questions and trying to figure out the best plan of action, but after a while, she had fallen into a sound sleep. He, on the other hand, lay awake for what seemed like hours, turning the problem over and over in his head.
It wasn’t his business, really. Dustin wasn’t his friend—far from it—and it wasn’t his place to drop this kind of a bomb on him. Plus, maybe Dustin knew about it already. Maybe his marriage had already crumbled and Chris was just the last to know.

“Looks like your bagel’s almost on fire, there, Chris,” a voice behind him said. It was Dustin, of course. [of course! Looks like I recognized contrivance even as I wrote this! Didn’t stop me from writing it, though]

“Uhh … thanks. Yeah. I, uh, prefer them well-done,” he said, scooting the blackened bread onto a plate.

“Hey, to each his own, huh?” Dustin laughed.

“Yeah.” Chris couldn’t make eye contact with him.

“Well, enjoy.”

“Yep.”

“Chris?”

“Yeah?” He finally looked at Dustin, managing what he hoped was a friendly smile.

“I think she’s okay.”

“Uh … what?” What did that mean? Maybe Dustin knew about Barry and Alex and was fine with it. Maybe it was like a kink or something?

“Angel. You asked me to look after her. I think she’s okay.”

“Oh. Oh. Right. Angel … Yeah. Thanks, Dustin. I appreciate it. I haven’t really spoken to her since … I … uh … you using the toaster?”

“Thanks.”

“Is she … with Jeff?” Chris meant to drop it and walk away, but couldn’t.

“I don’t know, really. But she seems fine.”

“Right, yeah. None of my business anyway I guess.”

“I understand wanting to know, man.”

“Yeah.” Chris spread cream cheese on his blackened bagel.

Dustin’s phone rang. “Scuse me. Hey, sweetie. How’s your sister doing? Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. Tonight too? Well, whatever she needs. I hope I get to see you one of these nights, though, darlin’. Okay. I’ll call you later. Love you.”
Chris swallowed hard. “Catch you later, man,” he said, wrapping his bagel in a napkin. He wasn’t particularly hungry anymore. [was he really going to eat that burnt bagel in the first place?]

NOTES:

1) I think we should commend Chris for the fact that his immediate reaction to Dustin’s “she’s okay” was NOT Angel. Somehow, a character managed to think about someone other than her. Amazing. This is, however, counteracted by the fact that his anxiety about Dustin’s wife cheating on him was immediately dissolved by the mention of Her Blondness.

2) Man, I remember those toasters in the college cafeteria ... your bread either never got toasted or it got stuck behind someone else's bagel and caught on fire. Good times. There are lots of things I miss about college, but the cafeteria is not one of them.

COMING UP NEXT:

Angel shows up at the Armsocks Abode. Should someone cue the "bow chicka wow wow" music, or will Rick Steiner get there before she compromises her "morals"? Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 68 - Angel Arrives

Chapter 66: Driving South

2010-10-29T15:34:00.003-04:00

HOLY GUACAMOLE, Y'ALL!!

Look, I didn't forget. I just got massively sidetracked. I've been thinking about updating this for months. Months!!! And now, the time has come.

Ok, so where were we? Dang, it's been a while. Let's see ...

Justina and Chris are having relations even though Chris is clearly not over Angel, for some unfathomable reason. Alex is cheating on Dustin with Barry, who continues to be awesome. Marie/Violet/Nightshade is trying to lure Scott back into her Evil Web for some reason that probably has to do with Angel, and Angel is embarking upon a seriously gross "relationship" with Jeff "Armsocks" Hardy. Bobby, Felicia, and Mysterious Brother Danny have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Or maybe they're hanging out with Mr. P. and Brutus.

Well, now that we're all up to speed, let's get on with this mess.

Chapter 66: Driving South

Angel’s mind was unusually clear as the miles accumulated on her odometer. The farther south she drove, the less stressed she felt [that’s probably because there’s a lot less traffic down here]. She was escaping—albeit temporarily—to an unfamiliar place with a relatively unfamiliar person. [note to Angel: this also sounds like a set-up for a horror movie. Just saying]

“Well,” she reasoned to herself, “it’s not entirely unfamiliar … I mean, I’ve been there plenty of times for shows, but to stay somewhere other than a hotel … and with Jeff … that is of course, the unfamiliar thrill.” [good gravy, she even THINKS with ellipses.]

And, truth be told, she was way less apprehensive than she had any right to be. But Jeff didn’t intimidate her, and oddly enough, neither did the prospect of losing her virginity to him—what made Angel feel sick with anger, pain, and confusion was Chris. Driving away from Chris, therefore, seemed like the best idea in the world. She knew it was only temporary, but that fact did not deter her in the slightest.

She remembered when Marty had first suggested sex to her. [Was it before or after he had the flu for seven months?]. They had been dating for a while and, looking back on it, Angel thought that the notion of them having sex was probably way less monumental to Marty than it had been to her. She had been young—quite a few years younger than him—and just embarking upon a new career. Marty was sweet and warm [that was probably the fever], and always seemed perfectly content to wait until Angel was ready.

Until, of course, he cheated on her with Marie.

“Didn’t even have the guts to tell me himself,” she muttered to herself.

But that was the pattern, wasn’t it? Find a wonderful guy, be magically happy, keep him physically distant, get cheated on, find out from someone else.

But that would change with Jeff. The pattern would break. Jeff would get the reverse—her body, but not her heart.

She pulled into the gas station and filled the tank. [a pivotal plot point, no doubt] Before resuming her trip, she called Jeff.

“Hey there. Just letting you know I’m about forty minutes away, according to these directions.”

“That sounds great, Angel. I’m psyched. Hey, do you like ranch dressing?” [un-oh, this sounds kinky]

“Who doesn’t?”

“People with no taste, I guess. I’ll see you soon.”

Angel smiled, closed the phone [wooo flip-phones! I’ve still got one!], and started the engine.

NOTES:

1) I don't remember when I wrote this one, but it was obviously after the invention of non-Zack-Morris-sized cell phones. This fact is embarrassing.

COMING UP NEXT:

We get back into the Dustin/Alex/Barry plot as Chris tries to figure out what to do with his burdensome knowledge. There is a toaster involved. Tune in next time for ...
Chapter 67: Continental Breakfast

Chapter 65: Discovery

2010-05-20T13:10:00.003-04:00

Well, it turns out that finishing your dissertation does not automatically equal having no work to do. Silly me. Apologies for the unduly long hiatus. I'm sure I lost all but my most stalwart readers with that break. I understand. I don't have that kind of patience with blogs either.

But if you're here, hi! Welcome back.

Where were we? Ahhhhhhh yes. Angel was rapidly falling prey to Jeff's irresistible charm and armsocks. (charmsocks?) After a stupid phone conversation with Madusa, she decides to go and visit him in NC, where she plans on giving up the goods.

Violet/Marie/Nightshade/whatever lured Scott back into her evil web of seductive lies. For some reason.

Chris and Justina had the good fortune to get stuck in a hotel room next to Barry, who spent the evening entertaining a lady friend.

I think that brings us up to speed. Therefore, with no further ado, I humbly present:

Chapter 65: Discovery

“Again?” Justina cried. “How did we get stuck in a room right next to Barry and his bevy of beauties again?”

“Dumb luck, I guess.”

“I’m going to start banging on the wall with a hockey stick. That always worked in college.” [oh, how Canadian of them!]

“No hocked sticks here. You can use my boot.”

“Ugg. [as in Ugg boot? Somehow I didn’t picture Chris as wearing Ugg boots. But now I totally will.] Let’s just put the TV on again.”

“This lady is just as loud as the one in Harrisburg.”

“I know.” Justina tried burying her head under a pillow. “Oh the plus side,” she said in a muffled voice, “Now I can’t breathe.” She emerged and climbed out of bed. “Where’s the boot?”

“Foss, you can’t. I’ll make sure not to get a room next to him next time. I promise.”

She sighed. “Fine.”

“Come back to bed. I’ll find us a nice infomercial.”

“Chris? Listen.”

“Foss … eew.”

“It’s the same woman.”

“I reaffirm: eew.”

“It is!”

“So?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Saying what?”

“That I’m a busybody.”

“You can say that again. Give me the remote.”

“Hang on … I can almost make out her name.”

“Foss! Give them some privacy!”

“Privacy? If they wanted privacy, they’d moan more quietly. And they’d stop shouting each others’ names so effusively.”

“Effusively?”

“I know big words.” She left the bed. [when did she get back in bed? How can I not maintain continuity when there are only two characters in one room?]

“Apparently. Where are you going?”

“The bathroom.”

“Justina … you are not using a glass to listen in.”

“Gross. Of course not. I just have to pee.”

She reemerged a few minutes later. “Besides, I don’t need one. That last volley of theirs featured impressive enunciation.”

“Mystery solved.” Chris yawned and closed his eyes. “I think they’re done. Goodnight, Foss.”

“Night, Chris. And goodnight Barry and Alex.” She snuggled next to him.

Chris’ eyes snapped open. “Alex?”

“Yep. Problem?”

“No. I mean … it can’t be.”

“What?”

“Just a coincidence, I’m sure.”

“What?” Justina sat up.

“Another guy’s wife has the same name. But I’m sure it’s a common name and all.”

“Well, if this goes the same way it went in Harrisburg, she’ll be leaving in a few minutes. Look out the peephole.”

“Foss, that’s ridiculous.”

“Come on.”

“It’s none of my business.”

“Tell me what she looks like,” Justina said, walking to the door.

“You’re being insanely nosy,” he said, but he followed her and looked out the peephole. [how big is that peephole that both of them can look out of it at the same time?] Nothing. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Shh! She’s leaving!”

Chris watched the hallway. He heard Barry’s door open. There was muttering and giggling, and then, she walked towards the elevator, past Chris and Justina’s room.

It was Alexandra York Rhodes.

NOTES:

1) OHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, were any of you surprised? No one? Huh.

2) I can't help it. I still kind of like Justina and Chris. Maybe it's just the fact that she's not Angel, but I remember having fun writing their scenes way back when.

3) Speaking of way back when: thin walls, love triangles, level 20 drama ... hoo boy, there are a few things about college I will probably never miss. (things I do miss include, but are not limited to: eating pierogies at 2 AM, DDR marathons, being used as a human jump-rope)

COMING UP NEXT ...

Oh boy! We will be treated to one of Angel's extended internal monologues. Now there's a way to get readers back. Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 66: Driving South

Chapter 64: Violet's Dilemma

2010-03-26T22:49:00.003-04:00

Dissertation: DONE! That's right, ladies and gents. If all goes well, by this time a week from now, you can call me Dr. Fuzzy Octopus. (note: Please do. It'll make the last 8 years seem somehow worth it.)

Well then ... this calls for a celebration ... and I know just the thing: a 100% Angel-free chapter! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Enjoy!:

Chapter 64: Violet’s Dilemma

Chris and Angel had split. Angel seemed relatively miserable for a while there, which was, of course, fabulous, but seemed to have bounced back, and that was rather distressing. On top of all of that, Chris had shown little interest in Violet herself, which left Marie feeling bored and slightly offended. There had to be something else she could do. But Chris was not particularly interesting anymore. So instead she decided to go a different route.

And when you really came down to it, she reasoned, why the hell was she interested in Angel’s leftovers? [uhm, because that’s your M.O.?] But … it would be dangerous to keep her too far away. No—best to stay informed. But being Violet wasn’t doing anything for her anymore. Time to go back—if she could.

She laughed at that thought. Of course she could. She was Marie, Nightshade, Violet. Three in one. And she knew who to call.

------------------------

Scott sat in the diner finishing his second cup of coffee. She was late. Of course she was late. What had even possessed him to agree to meet her in the first place? This was completely ridiculous. He signaled to the waitress for the check.

And then she slid into the booth across from him.

“Hey,” she said. “Sorry I’m late. I hit some traffic on the way. Scott … you look good.”

“Thanks. You too.” This was an understatement. She had a new haircut—soft layers that framed her face, [ah, the Rachel] and wore a low-cut black top that made it difficult for Scott to keep his eyes on her face.

“Thanks for meeting me here, Scott. I’m sure your gut told you not to.”

“Hey, when have I ever listened to that? What’s up, Marie?”

“How have you been?”

“Good and bad. You know. You?”

“Same.” The waitress approached with a menu. “I’ll have an earl grey tea and a grilled cheese sandwich,” [mmm, grilled cheese sandwich.] she said, waving the menu away. “Scott, I’m just going to be blunt with you, here. I miss you. I know we had issues, and they were mostly my fault—I know I had a jealous streak—but how could I not be jealous? You are an amazing man, and I was so incredibly lucky to be yours. And I was happier with you than I’ve ever been—and I haven’t been happy since we split. I don’t expect you to just drop everything and be with me now. I just wanted to tell you.”

Scott exhaled and leaned back. “Marie. Wow. That’s … that’s a lot to process. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything right now, Scott. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”

“Ok. I appreciate that, Marie.”

The waitress brought her food. She stirred sugar into her tea.

“I dated this one guy a couple months ago. He seemed like a gem, you know? Kind, smart, friendly. Too friendly, turns out.”

“He … cheated on you?”

“Yep,” Marie said, sipping her tea. “Caught him red-handed. Had his tongue down his secretary’s throat.” [how cliché.]

“Yikes. Sorry, Marie.”

“Yeah, thanks.” She dabbed at the corners of her eyes with a napkin. “Guess it happens.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Scott said. He folded and unfolded a corner of the placemat. [don’t you love diner placemats? They always have the best local ads on them. This one in my hometown had an ad for laser hair removal that featured the vilest “before” picture ever. It was very appetizing.]

“Scott,” Marie said, reaching for his hand. A bold move, she thought, but what do you know? It worked. He let her hand cover his. “What happened?”

A muscle in his jaw twitched. [Contain the rage, Scott. Contain the rage.] “Same old story. Boy meets girl, falls for girl, girl runs into her ex-boyfriend and screws him.” [LOL. Not.]

“Ouch. Sorry, Scott. You don’t deserve that.”

Scott shrugged and picked up half of Marie’s sandwich. She grinned at him.

“Can I?”

“Scott, would I have ordered your favorite food and not expected you to snatch half of it?” [grilled cheese sandwiches are his favorite food? What about Angel’s cookies?]

He responded by taking a bite. “So what did you to? To your ex?”

“Nothing.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“He had a $200 bottle of scotch that I might have poured down the drain and replaced with apple juice.”

“That’s pretty tame for you.”

“I know. I definitely considered going the Molotov cocktail route with the scotch, but I’ve matured.” She sipped her tea.

“Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve still got an edge.”

“I’m sure you do.” He ate the rest of her sandwich.

“Hey! You’re paying for that!” she said playfully.

“Maybe I was planning on it anyway, M.” [when did he start calling her that? Or was I suddenly too lazy to write out her whole name?]

Marie smiled.

--------------------

NOTES:

1) What, exactly, was Violet's titular dilemma? She's bored? I guess that's a dilemma. Look, Vi, I don't know if you've read any of the other chapters, but hanging out with Scott is pretty much the opposite of a cure for boredom.

2) How many of you think that Rick was hiding in the booth right behind them, perhaps wearing some sort of inconspicuous disguise, such as a fedora, trenchcoat, and Groucho Marx glasses-nose-eyebrows ensemble?

3) Earl grey tea is what Captain Picard favors. I know this because my brother is quite a fan of Star Trek and any time we are out at a restaurant, he orders "Earl Grey. Hot." in a Captain Picard voice. I guess nerdiness runs in my family. To the best of my knowledge, however, he has never written Star Trek fan fiction.

COMING UP NEXT:

Oh boy! More Chris/Justina/Barry hotel shenanigans. No, not like that.

Chapter 65: Discovery

Chapter 63: Revelation

2010-03-01T19:56:00.002-05:00

Hi again! Obligatory apologies. But look, folks. Once this dissertation is in the bag, I'll have ass-tons of time for this. Not only this, but also video games and television and napping and other important things that I've neglected a lot lately.

So ... where were we? Ah, yes, Barry was GETTIN IT AWN in the hotel room next to Chris and Justina, who are slowly realizing that Chris is never going to get over Angel, because she is the paragon of all virtues. And blonde. For her part, Angel is juuuuust about to call Jeff Hardy. I'll bet you can't wait to see what happens when she does.

Chapter 63: Revelation

Angel had spent the better part of the weekend mulling over her conversation with Madusa. On the one hand, she had been completely right about one thing: Angel had been thinking of her virginity as a burden—something she just wanted to be rid of so that she could move on [that’s really healthy. I hope there are some impressionable young people out there reading this.] On the other hand, move on to what? To life past Chris? Angel had no doubts that her breakup with Chris was fueling this, but she didn’t think it was out of a need for revenge. This wasn’t about Chris so much as it was about herself—her ability to decide this for herself [as opposed to what? Who else is supposed to decide that for you? Oh, I already regret asking.] But Madusa was right about one thing: [you mean one thing in addition to that first thing you mentioned?] she had to tell Jeff. And sooner rather than later. No sense driving all the way down there just to have him laugh at her, or be so freaked out that he asked her to leave [clearly the reaction you should expect from somebody you plan on sleeping with.]

So she bit the bullet. She called Jeff.

“Hey Jeff. This is Angel.”

“Hey there pretty lady.” [DAYUM he is SMOOVE]

They exchanged pleasantries, made flirtatious jokes [what, we’re not privy to them? Tragic]. Jeff was so disarmingly charming that Angel almost forgot why she had called him in the first place.

“Jeff … in all seriousness, I do have one thing I wanted to tell you before I came down next week.”

“Okay.” His tone got less playful. “Shoot.”

“Well … okay … this is going to sound really crazy, I know, but it’s something you should know, and if you don’t want me to come down because it’s too much, then just say the word.”

“What is it, Angel? Oh man … you aren’t … are you married?”

“What! No!” Angel laughed. “No!”

“Thank God. Been there. That’s a mess.”

“There went one of your fifth amendments, Hardy.” She was still in semi-hysterics.

“Hey, don’t laugh! That was a bad time for me!” But he was starting to chuckle himself. [because nothing is funnier than adultery. Oh, the hilarity!]

“I’m sure,” Angel said, collecting herself. “It’s just … well … it’s pretty much the exact opposite of what I’m going to tell you.”

“You’re … not married?”

“Correct.”

“Okay …”

“And … Jeff, I’m a virgin.”

Jeff was dumbfounded.

“Hello?”

“Uh … no, still here, Angel. Sorry, you just caught me off guard there.”

“So … look. I know it’s weird, but it’s true, and I’m not telling you this because I don’t want to come down anymore. I’m telling you this because I do. I want to come down there and … be with you.”

“Wow.”

“But like I said, I know this is weird, and if it’s too much for you to handle [then I probably shouldn’t be sleeping with you anyway, so maybe I should get to know you first … oh, wait, that’s not what she said], I understand. We can call it off.”

“No … Wow. Uhm … wow. Look, I’m not gonna lie. This is a little weird. But hey, Angel, I like you, Okay? I like you. And I think it would be cool to get to know you with your clothes on.” [that’s really romantic.]

“Jeff …”

“And …” He said, anticipating her protest, “And … if you still want to when you get down here, we’ll just … take it from there, okay?”

“Okay.” Angel smiled into the phone. “Uhm … no pressure.”

Jeff laughed. “What pressure? Not like you have anyone to compare me to.” [SNAP!]

“You’re an ass,” she said dryly, still smiling.

“I can be,” he said.

“But look, I meant what I said at brunch. I really don’t want anything serious, sex or no sex.”

“Understood. And I’m with you. Or not, as the case may be.”

“Cool. I’ll see you in a week or so, Jeff.”

“Can’t wait, Angel.”

“Me either.”

NOTES:

1) I think I need a shower. Not a cold shower. One of those chemical showers you take after you’ve been contaminated by some sort of biohazard. Jefgel is so vile.

2) I know what you’re wondering: WTF was wrong with me? Yeah, I really have no answer. My best guess is that I watched a lot of Dawson’s Creek, and that show propagated some seriously unhealthy ideas of sexuality. My other guess is that even as a college student, I had no idea how adults participated in healthy intimate relationships.

Ok then. Let’s shake that one off, shall we?

Coming up next …

Oh boy! Here comes a character I’ll be you’ve almost forgotten about. Try to figure out which one in … Chapter 64: Violet’s Dilemma

Chapter 62: Harrisburg

2010-02-09T22:17:00.003-05:00

Wow. It's been a while. Sorry, folks. I am THIS CLOSE to finishing my dissertation. I can see the light at the end of this 8-year tunnel of garbage. I think I'll be defending at the end of March and graduating in May. Between now and then, I'm probably going to be a little spotty with the updates. I promise never to let it go too long between posts ... but I know I won't be able to keep up my weekly schedule. I'm going to shoot for every 2 weeks. Man, I can't wait to be done with this.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoo, when we last left these cretins, Angel had a stupid conversation with Madusa while we all tried to keep our lunches down. Today: Barry!

I apologize for the lack of parenthetical snark in this installment. I got nothing. Feel free to supply your own in the comments section!

Chapter 62: Harrisburg

Chris put his duffel bag down and searched his pockets for the hotel key. As he rummaged, Barry Windham emerged from the neighboring door.

“Hey Barry. Good match tonight.”

“Thanks, man,” Barry said. “I’m going down to the hotel bar to get a drink. Interested?”

Chris pondered this invitation. On the one hand, a drink sounded fabulous. On the other hand, he couldn’t handle running into Angel in the lobby, the bar, the elevator—not tonight. He’d almost botched his blade job badly enough to warrant a trip to the infirmary—-that would have been horrendous—-and he had no interest in tempting fate twice.

“Nah, but thanks. Just going to hang here,” he said.

“Chris? You back?” Justina called from inside the room.

At that, Barry nodded and grinned, “Ah, I get it.”

Chris lifted his arms in mock surrender.

“Catch you later, man,” Barry said. “Hey,” he added, “You stayed in this fleabag before?”

“Dude, compared to that place in Baltimore, this here Harrisburg Best Western is hardly a fleabag.”

Barry laughed. “How thin are the walls?”

“We’ll try to keep it down,” Chris nodded gravely.

“Not me I’m worried about,” Barry said with a sly grin.

“Hey now! Alright, man. I’ll catch you later.”

Barry smacked him heartily on the back and got on to the elevator. “Enjoy your ring rat,” Chris muttered under his breath as he opened the door.

“Hey hot stuff,” Justina greeted. She was wearing very little.

------

Barry did indeed prove to Chris that the walls in the Harrisburg Best Western could use some soundproofing.

“Ugg … Again?” Justina wailed. “How are they at it again?”

“That fella has stamina.”

“And that woman has lungs.”

“You want to try and drown them out?”

“Chris, that’s weird and gross.”

“I meant with the TV.”

“Oh. Yes. Yes. Bring on the infomercials. See if you can find that one where they cut through cans and tomatoes with the same knife.”

“No promises. But I will try.”

“Who is that woman anyway?”

“With Barry? I dunno. As far as I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He probably just met her, if you get my drift.” [I don’t know, you’re being pretty opaque.]

“You mean like a hooker?”

“No. Well … probably not. I mean like a ring rat.”

“What’s that?”

“Like a wrestling groupie.” He turned to face her, “How did you date Scott Steiner without ever hearing that term?”

“I dunno. I don’t think he knows what those are either. Like I said, he’s weird. He dated this one crazy woman before he met me.”

“Marie?”

“Yeah. I think that was her name. How’d you know?”

“Long, weird story.” Chris pushed the hair back from Justina’s eyes. “Foss, you know what?”

“What?”

Chris looked into her eyes, unsure of what he was going to say. He had meant to say something sweet and reassuring, something like “I’m happy,” or “I love being with you,” but none of those words would come out. “You … have really beautiful eyes.”

“Aww, thanks, Chris.” She smiled and pecked his nose. “Yours are also lovely. Now what say you hand me that remote. There has to be something better on than the Weather Channel.” [hey, I’ve seen some pretty good stuff on TWC].

“Actually,” Chris said, cocking his head to one side, “I think we’re out of the woods, so to speak.” He muted the TV and they both listened intently.

“I think you’re right,” Justina remarked. “Finally.”

Chris turned off the television. The room sank into darkness once again.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“How did you know about Marie?”

Chris flipped his pillow to the cool side. “Scott was good friends with Angel. I told you that, no?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you did. It just slipped my mind. Small world, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. Good night, Foss.”

“Night, Chris.”

NOTES:

1) Oh Barry, you're such a player.

2) Poor Justina. Chris can't even tell you that he's happy. Oh Chris, why can't you get over Angel? How hard can it be?

COMING UP NEXT:

Angel overthinks things some more and then calls Jeff. Boy howdy, Jeff is as charming as can be. And Angel is just cute as a button! Those two crazy kids and their charming cuteness! I can’t wait! I hope you’re just as excited as I am for …

Chapter 63 - Revelation

Chapter 61: Deuce

2010-01-19T09:56:00.005-05:00

When we last left our witless crew of characters, Chris and Justina were making the impossibly harrowing trek from Baltimore to Harrisburg. Today, Angel calls and old friend on the phone and gets some remarkably reasonable advice.

Now if you're like me, ever since that episode of The Office where Michael said: "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to... drop a deuce on everybody," you giggle when you hear the word "Deuce." If this is the case for you, then get ready to chuckle your way through ...

Chapter 61: Deuce

As soon as Angel had hung up the phone, she knew she had made a crazy mistake. But she also knew she couldn’t very well call Jeff back and un-invite herself [uhm, why not?] And mostly, she wanted to go visit him. She wanted to get away from life for a while—to not have to go to work early and leave late so she wouldn’t have to see Chris—to not have to glare at every woman with red hair just in case she was the one. A break was most assuredly in order. But this? This was crazy.

“Because I can’t not have sex with him,” she said aloud to the empty room. [uhm, again, why not? Are you planning on slipping yourself some roofies?]

That was wrong. Obviously she could do whatever she wanted. More accurately, then: “Because I want to have sex with him. And I’m going to. Aaaaaaaaaand … I’m talking to myself. This is why I need female friends.” She rubbed her temples and flopped down on her hotel bed. [how did she get to her hotel? Wasn’t she just in her office?] She opened her address book and flipped through the names.

“Madusa!” she nearly squealed. It had been a while, but she hoped her old friend would be awake. [how does the first half of that sentence relate to the second half of that sentence?]

“Hello?”

“Deuce!”

“Angel!”

“Sorry to call so late.”

“Not a problem. How the hell are you?”

“Good. Crazy. Good.”

They spent the next hour catching up. Madusa, as it turned out, had gotten into racing monster trucks, and had no intention of returning to the business. [I did not make that up]

“I wouldn’t mind a break myself,” said Angel. “Which brings me to my current situation.”

“Angel, are you thinking of leaving because of what happened with Chris?”

“No. Not leaving. Just going on a vacation.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

“A vacation with Jeff. At his house in North Carolina.”

“Ang, that sounds better than not bad.”

“I know. But … Deuce, I have a weird question.”

“Shoot.”

“So … I’m pretty sure we’re going to have sex.”

“Yeah …?”

“Well … this will be … my first time.”

“Wait … seriously?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. Ok. Well, are you sure you want it to be with Jeff?”

“I think so. Deuce, do you think he will be able to tell?”

“He doesn’t know?”

“Nope.”

“And you’re not planning on telling him in advance?”

“I don’t know. Won’t that be awkward?” [not as awkward as, say, having sex with someone that you don’t trust enough to be honest with about the fact that you’ve never had sex before.]

“I can think of several potentially awkward things about this situation.”

“I know.”

“You really should tell him. Otherwise, he’ll go in with guns blazing.”

“What does that mean?”

“Angel …”

“Ok, Ok, I know what you mean. But how do I bring this up?” [didn’t have to ask that last time you were in a hotel room with Jeff. BOOYA!]

“How about the direct approach? Couple that with honesty and you’re good to go.”

“He’s going to think I’m a huge freak.” [tell him he can take a number]

“And if he does, he’s not worth your virginity.”

That thought gave Angel pause. [maybe it’s because it’s the first sensible thing any character has ever said in this entire tome]

“I’m right, Angel.”

“I know.”

“Your virginity isn’t, like, this disease you’ve got to get rid of so you can be a normal person. It’s your body and your decision.”

“I know. I just feel like it’s a weight around my neck, you know? Something I should have gotten over with when I was a teenager.”

“I think you’d be amazed how many people wish they could take a good deal of the decisions they made as a teenager back.”

“I just … it’s like it’s become this huge deal … something bigger than it has to be.”

“According to who?”

“I don’t know, Deuce. To me, I guess. I always thought that waiting until marriage was the safest option, because then I’d be sure that the guy I lost it to would never hurt me, but I know that’s a fantasy. People hurt people. And Chris wanted to marry me, but that wasn’t enough for me. I don’t trust guys, Deuce, and I’m not entirely sure that that’s a bad thing. I don’t need to trust Jeff for this.”

“Angel, that’s ridiculous.”

“That’s not what I mean entirely. I mean, I do trust him to respect me and to be careful about stuff, but I don’t’ trust him with my heart, because he’ll never get it. “

“So you’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“That he’s getting your cherry [gross] or that he’s not getting your heart?”

“Deuce!” Angel groaned. She then added: “Both.”

“You have to tell him.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Before you have sex with him.”

“I get it, Madusa, I get it.”

“Just checking.”

“It’s going to hurt, isn’t it?”

“Probably. Maybe. I think it does for most women. This is, of course, one of the main reasons for you to tell him. Guns blazing, Ang.” [I think we all could have done without that reminder.]

“Duly noted. Thanks for the advice.”

“Of course. Ang—just remember something—you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. And you don’t need to get back at Chris via having sex with Jeff.”

Angel was silent.

“Ang?”

“I hear you, Deuce. Maybe … maybe it’s not about getting back at him …” She sniffled audibly; the tears were starting. “Maybe it’s about forgetting him. When I was with Jeff, I never thought about Chris.”

“Angel?” Madusa said gently, “If you replaced the word ‘Jeff’ with ‘booze’ or ‘pills,’ I’d be worried.”

“But I didn’t.”

“No. And I don’t mean to lecture you … I’m just saying be careful. Do what feels right. Don’t force anything. And most importantly …”

“Yes?”

“Call me when you get back.”

Angel laughed. “I will. And Madusa?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks.”

NOTES

1) I could make a gross comment about Madusa's "don't force anything" advice, but I will restrain myself. Instead, I will just giggle. Hee hee!!!

2) I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel kind of sorry for Angel. Trying to erase one guy with another. I've been there, lady. Sometimes you're better off with booze or pills. Not that I've ever really had either. Except that time at my rehearsal dinner where I was so stressed out by my mother-in-law that I actually had a rum and coke in the hopes that it would mellow me out. It worked. It tasted like nasty on fire, but it worked. Wait, where was I? Oh yes. My larger point is that using people to get over other people can make just as much trouble as using various substances. Now that I can attest to. Man, I did a lot of stupid things when I was in college. Without booze or pills.

3) Can you imagine how different this conversation would have been if Angel had called Rick instead?

COMING UP NEXT ...

Yay, another Angel-free chapter! Not only Angel-free ... but ... ellipses for emphasis ... BARRY-FULL! Whee! Tune in next week for ...

Chapter 62: Harrisburg

Chapter 60: Passenger

2010-01-12T09:52:00.001-05:00

Previously on UnabashedlyBad: Angel and Jeff made us all want to gouge our eyes out by being generally gross. Dustin and Angel made up. Dustin talked about Tahiti. Angel decided to call Jeff. Zzzzzzzz. Today, as promised: an Angel-free chapter. Enjoy!

Chapter 60: Passenger

“So let me get this straight,” Chris said as he tossed his duffel bag into the trunk. [huzzah! Duffel bagging!] “You got a job applying make-up?”

“You make it sound so glamorous,” Justina said dryly.

“It’s just weird. All the guys do their own paint.”

“Not on guys, dipwad. On the women. You know how much they’ve got invested in T&A.”

“But I thought you were in fashion.”

“I am. But that’s more of a side job—I take orders and make ring outfits. But that’s not a steady gig. Plus,” she added, getting into the driver’s side, “Now I get to travel, see the country.”

“Sounds like a pretty lame fringe benefit, Foss. Traveling is heinous after a while.”

“So where exactly are we off to again?” she asked as Chris closed the door.

“Harrisburg, PA.”

“Long drive.” [from Baltimore? No it’s not. Not even close.]

“Yep, but cheaper than flying.” [of course it is. Who would fly from Baltimore to Harrisburg?]

“Gives us time.”

“For what?”

“To sort this out.”

“Justina …”

“Chris, it’s been a while. We need to talk. I need to talk, if nothing else.”

“Allright. I guess I’m not going anywhere … unless I want to walk to Harrisburg. Although that does sound like an attractive option right now.”

“So I think I finally saw Angel.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmmhmm. She’s the nurse, right?”

“One of them. I think there are two now.”

“Well, the one I saw was blonde.”

“They’re both blonde.”

“Oh this one was with Dustin Rhodes and …”

“That was her.”

“Ah. Well. She’s pretty.”

“Yep.”

“Extra pretty.” [you need a few more “extras” if you want to accurately convey her physical beauty, lady. Like at least a baker’s dozen of “extras”.]

“Foss …”

“I’m just saying … you have good taste. Anyway, what was she like?”

“Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t, I guess. I’m just curious.”

“Well what was Scott like.”

“He was a nice guy. A little overemotional. Kind of weird about sex. But a nice guy.”

“Weird how?”

“Like … he was interested in doing it, but not about talking about it. You know?”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. So what was she like in bed?”

“Foss …” His tone sharpened.

“Alright, alright. I’ll drop it.”

They sat in silence for the next few minutes. [a few minutes? They must be halfway to Harrisburg, then.]

“I don’t know, actually.”

“What?”

“What she was like in bed. We never slept together.”

“You didn’t? But I thought you’d been dating for a while.”

“We were. She was waiting for marriage.”

“Oh. Not ready to seal your coffin, eh?”

“Charming portrait of holy matrimony. And actually, she was the commitment-phobe. I proposed and she turned me down.”

“You proposed?” Justina nearly swerved into the next lane.

“Careful there.”

“Damn. I guess it was pretty serious.”

“You could say that.” Chris studied the landscape intensely. [ah, the beautiful I-83 corridor]

“I’m sorry, Chris.”

He nodded and swallowed hard.

“Have you talked to her?”

“Not really. Wouldn’t know what to say.”

“Do you … do you want her back?”

“Justina …”

“I won’t be mad, Chris. I just want an honest answer.”

“No. We’re done. We had a lot of issues independent of you and me. So no.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t believe me.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to.”

“What are we, Chris?”

“We are … Justipher 2.0.”

“Ugg, I’ve been trying to forget that nickname ever since we graduated.”

“I lobbied hard for Chris-tina.”

“Christina Adkins shot that down.”

“Remember that crazy English professor?”

“Hey … Cavanaugh was an integral portion to my education portion.”

“Your hair was awesome back in the day.”

“Speak for yourself.” [is that the proper retort? I think she means “you’re one to talk” or something like that]

“You went through hair spray like water.”

“Again, speak for yourself.” [see above]

“Guilty,” Chris said, smiling.

“Chris, how did you end up in my hotel room?”

“That was my hotel room.”

“What a bizarre mix-up.”

“I know.”

“Fate?”

“Who knows?” Chris said. He reached into his pocket and fished out his wallet. “I’ll make a deal with you. You let me sleep the rest of the way, I’ll cover gas money.” [so you get a 20-minute nap and have to chip in $3.50?]

“I choose the music.”

“Deal.” Chris opened his wallet. He grabbed two twenties and put them into the glove compartment. Before closing his wallet, he removed the picture of Angel. Justina watched him from the corner of her eye.

Chris rolled down the window and let the picture flutter out. Then he closed his eyes and reclined his seat back.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Justina said.

“Yes I did.”

They drove the rest of the way in silence.

NOTES:

1) That’s nice. So now women can either be nurses, secretaries, seamstresses, or make-up artists. Or, of course, vindictive psychos.

2) Chris, heartbreak is no excuse for littering. On another note, does anyone carry pictures of their girlfriends in their wallet? Slice sure as heck doesn’t. He prides himself on having as little as possible in his wallet. I think he’s got one credit card, his license, and maybe a dollar. Also, his wallet is made out of duct tape. To be fair, I’ve never given him a wallet-sized photo of me. Sears portrait studio, here I come!

COMING UP NEXT …

This Angelless chapter was nice, no? Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, because the next one is chock full o’ Angel. It also features a character I’m willing to bet most of you had forgotten about. The mystery of who that character is should probably be solved upon reading the title of our next thrilling installment … tune in next time for …

Chapter 61: Deuce

Chapter 59: Invitations

2010-01-04T10:10:00.004-05:00

Sorry for that long hiatus. I was up in the frozen northeast visiting family and having job interviews and drinking a lot of cola products. Mmm, boy! Now I'm back in the frozen Southern mid-atlantic sitting on my couch and obsessing about how my job interviews went and drinking a lot of tea. And, of course, updating Unabashedly Bad.

So ... where were we? Ah, yes. Dustin worried about Angel's decision to leave a bar with that nefarious ladykiller, Jeff Hardy. Angel and Jeff partook in some frisky business (not the kind that can get you pregnant, just the kind that can spread disease, but who worries about that in this day and age?). Angel repeatedly congratulated herself for not thinking about what she was doing. Jeff invited Angel to brunch. I assume she ordered eggs sunny-side up, both to match her sunny personality and to bring out the blonde in her hair. Today? Jeffgel bore us some more and then we go back to Angel's office. Get comfy folks, this is a long one:

Chapter 59: Invitations

Jeff was funny and easy to talk to. Nothing was awkward, nothing was difficult [except keeping your pants on]. The reason for that, Angel assumed, was that they had no expectations of each other. She was probably just Jeff’s latest conquest and he … well … he was her rebound. No relationship, no worries. So Angel was somewhat taken aback when Jeff asked her to visit him on his vacation.

“You want me to what?”

“Visit me. In North Carolina. I’ve got some time off coming to me and I’m going home for a bit. I want you to come.”

“Jeff …”

“Don’t answer yet. Just think about it. No pressure, Angel. I just like you and want to see you again.”

“Jeff, look, I’m just coming off a really bad relationship and I don’t want to get involved with anyone right now.”

“Angel, if you’re saying that because you don’t want to see me again, that’s cool, but if you’re saying that because you’re relationship-phobic, uhm, seriously, it’s cool, because I am too. I don’t want to get involved right now either. I just think it would be fun. And I know it’s kind of forward of me to ask, but I figured what the hell, you know?”

She smiled at him and shook her head. “You are one bold fellow.”

Jeff laughed. “So just think about it, okay? That’s all I’m asking.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Allright.”

“Allright.” Jeff smiled at her as if she knew she’d be accepting his offer. She wasn’t as sure as he seemed to be that this was a good idea, but she was also not entirely sure she’d be able to turn him down, either. [those slash-burns are pretty mesmerizing]
----

As Angel set up the infirmary that night, she tried to focus on the task at hand instead of letting her mind drift to Jeff’s invitation. She was so lost in thought that she barely noticed Dustin standing in the doorway.

“Hey,” he said, “I startle you?”

“Oh, hey Dustin. Sorry, I was just lost in thought.”

“You got a minute, Angel?”

“Uhm, I don’t know.”

“The card doesn’t start for two hours.” [then what are you doing there?]

“Well there’s a lot more setting up to do.”

“Angel? Are you mad at me?”

She put down the box of gauze she had been aimlessly relocating and sighed. [Good ol’ gauze. Can’t have an infirmary without it.] “No, Dustin, I’m not mad at you. I’m just avoiding the conversation I know you’re trying to start with me.”

“How much longer do you want to avoid it? I can come back,” he said with mock seriousness. She laughed reluctantly.

“Allright.” She sat on a cot and he took a folding chair. “So how was your honeymoon?”

“Great. Beautiful. Three weeks ago.”

“Sounds nice. Except for that last part.”

“What happened, Angel?” [on the honeymoon? Weren’t you there? Oh. Wait. He’s talking about Angel’s life. Of course. How silly of me.]

She set her gaze to a remote corner of the room and exhaled. “Chris and I broke up.”

“Why? Was it because of …”

“It was because he ran into his ex-girlfriend and slept with her.” [uhm, I think there was something that happened before that event, but hey, let’s go with it]

“Oh. Wow[lions]. Man, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well. Those are the breaks, huh?”

“Angel …”

“I’m fine, Dustin. Really.”

“Angel, you can’t be fine.”

“Allright, well, I’m not fine per se, but I’m dealing.”

“With Jeff Hardy?”

“Yes. Ok? Yes. I’ve got my eyes open on this, Dustin. Jeff can’t hurt me. We’re just hanging out and having fun and it’s nothing even remotely serious. And look, I’m sorry I snapped at you before, because I know you’re just looking out for me, but I’m good, OK?”

“Ok Angel. I just worry about you. And I want you to be OK.”

“I know, Dustin.” She gave him a tight hug. “So look … isn’t it about time I meet Alex while she’s not in a big poufy dress? We should grab dinner one of these nights, the three of us.” [so I’m guessing that Angel just assumes Dustin has not manned up about his lip-tryst with Angel, otherwise why the hell would she suggest such a meeting?]

“That would be good. But her sister is having a baby and it’s been a rough pregnancy. The due date is soon and Alex has been spending a lot of time over there.”

“Oh … well, I sure hope everything is OK.”

“Yeah. I’m sure everything will be fine. Maybe you two can meet at the Halloween party.”

“That’s like, almost two months from now.”

“I know, but I’m so psyched already.”

Angel giggled. “Always good to have something to look forward to.”

“Yeah, well with Tahiti behind me, I’ve got to be excited about something ahead of me.” [how about years of wedded bliss? Or further delightful folding-chair conversation with the blondest, beautifullest woman ever?]

“Tell me about Tahiti.”

“It was so insanely beautiful … just so … not here. You know?”

“Not where? Baltimore?”

“Yes. No. Yes. Not anywhere familiar. We travel all over, you know? But we never go anywhere. It was nice to just get away.”

“I’m officially jealous.”

“You should be,” he said with a grin.

“Allright, Dustin. I seriously do have to finish setting up here.” [gauze doesn’t unbox itself]

“Yeah, I’ve got to change anyway. Good catching up with you, Ang.”

“You too, Dustin. And thanks for looking out for me.”

“That’s what friends are for,” he said, leaving her office.

Tahiti, thought Angel. Wouldn’t it be amazing to get away from everyone she knew, even if it was just for a few days? Even if it wasn’t Tahiti, but just North Carolina?

She dialed Jeff’s number.

NOTES:

1) Angel is correct. North Carolina is most assuredly not Tahiti. Case in point: today’s temperature in Tahiti: 83. North Carolina? 25. Ugg.

2) How many of you thought for a second that Angel was not going to call Jeff? No hands? Really? Not one?

ALLLLLLRIGHTY then. Coming up next …

Ladies and gents, there’s a 100% Angel-free chapter up next! Woo-hoo! Tune in next time for a semi-interesting conversation between Chris and Justina! There will be mildly witty dialogue and evidence of my disinterest in US geography. See you then for …

Chapter 60: Passenger

Merry Happy!

2009-12-23T09:21:00.003-05:00

Hi all,

UnabashedlyBad is on a short hiatus because of holidays and job interviews (!!). Never fear: your favorite thrilling compost heap of melodrama will return on Jan 4th with a vengeance. Until then, Merry Happy and enjoy the remnants of '09!

Chapter 58: About Last Night

2009-12-07T13:11:00.004-05:00

Hooo boy, it's been a while, huh? Between Thanksgiving shenanigans and the aforementioned crazytimes that is my job right now, I have spent waaaay too much time on events that do not include updating this thing. I apologize most heartily.

So let's have a brief recap, shall we? Angel met Jeff at a bar. Dustin was all "stay away" and Angel was all "naw, dude" and Jeff was all "look at my complicated sideburns." So Jeff and Angel went on a date and Angel was all "I am not going to overthink this" and Jeff was all "UR HAWT" and they were both all "let's not do it" and then they went back to her hotel room and made out.

Ok, good, we're all up to speed. Today: uhmmm ... pretty much nothing happens. But at least there was nothing I had to censor.

Chapter 58: About Last Night

Angel awoke to the sound of the shower running. The bathroom door was open. She picked Jeff’s shirt up off the floor, slipped it over her heard, and began brushing her teeth.

“I would have figured you for a shower-singer,” she called in to Jeff.

“Dead on. I just didn’t want to wake you. [then why didn’t you close the door?] Good morning.”

“Morning.”

“Hand me a towel?”

Angel placed one into his outstretched hand. She finished brushing her teeth. Jeff stepped out of the shower with the towel wrapped around his waist. Angel tried valiantly not to check him out, but failed. He noticed and grinned.

“Caught me.”

“It helps that these towels are roughly the size of washcloths.”

“Yes it does.”

“Angel … about last night …”

Her stomach flipped. “Yeah?”

“I think we made sex obsolete.”

He must’ve detected relief in her laughter. “You were worried I’d say something else?”

“Maybe.”

“Damn, you look sexy in the morning. “

“Bed-head suits me?” [everything suits you, Angel. EVERYTHING. You could dip yourself in dog poo, roll in cigarette butts, and affix rotting pigeon carcasses to your hair and you’d still look ravishing.]

“Utterly. I’d kiss you, but my toothbrush is in a different hotel.” [for shame. I so would imagine Jeff to carry a travel oral hygiene kit with him wherever he went just for situations like this]

Angel waved the tiny bottle of complimentary mouthwash at him.

“Score!”

“So Jeff, about last night …” Angel began as he rinsed his mouth.

“Mmph?”

“When can we do it again?”

As it happened, the answer to that question was “Immediately.” [oh ick]

---

Later, Angel lay in Jeff’s arms staring at the hotel ceiling, wondering how the heck she had gotten there, but trying not to wonder too hard. Her circular thoughts were broken by a glance at the clock.

“Eleven AM already? Dang.”

“You’ve got somewhere to be?”

“Not entirely. But check-out is noon, and I’ve got to …”

“Check-out?” Jeff asked. “I thought you were here for three more days.” [what kind of wrestling card lasts three days?]

“No, you’re here for three more days, silly. WCW is moving on to greener pastures. If that’s a way to describe Harrisburg, PA. I’m driving up there after the show tonight,” she said, pulling on a pair of jeans. [really, Angel? Not even a shower?]

“Seriously?”

“Afraid so.”

“Wow. So this really was a one-night stand?”

“I think it was more like a night-and-a-half.”

Wow. I thought for sure I’d be able to see you one more time.” [uhm, she’s not disappearing into thin air.]

“ ‘See me,’ eh?” she smirked.

“Yeah. Yes. Really.” He grabbed his shirt off the floor, smoothed it out as best he could, and buttoned it up. “Like … an actual date, even.”

“Did you suddenly quit wrestling?”

“What? Oh … you and not dating wrestlers. You really meant that?”

“Absolutely.” Angel was fully dressed now and beginning to pack up her toiletries.

“Angel,” Jeff touched her arm. “I’m not looking for anything serious, believe me, but I’ve enjoyed the hell out of these last 18 hours or so, and I really don’t want it to end. And it’s not just because you’re insanely sexy. Although that helps.”

Angel zipped up her toiletries bag. “Jeff …”

“Brunch?” [consider that a prescient shout-out, Oleg]

She smiled at him and looked at her watch.

“Brunch. But not hotel brunch.”

“Afraid of bumping into too many of your friends?”

“Mostly afraid of the food.”

“You’ve got a deal. Look, I’m going back to my room to change and get my gear. Call me when you’re all checked out and we’ll find a place. Ok?”

“Ok.”

Jeff took her hand and kissed it. “Until then,” he said, making his exit.

“Such a charmer, Hardy.” Angel shook her head and finished packing up. 11:30—half an hour to spare. She sat on the bed and exhaled.

What the heck had she just done? Well … she reasoned … to be perfectly honest, nothing she hadn’t done before … just with someone she barely knew. And that was the exciting part, the wonderful part, the slightly terrifying part. But brunch? Angel had been fully prepared to never see Jeff again. How did I happen that she would in fact see him again in less than an hour?

NOTES:

1) Showering with the door open? Yeah. Slice does that. He pees with the door open too. One time he tried to get away with pooping with the door open. That was not acceptible. I wish Jeff had tried that.

2) I personally do not like brunch. Lunch I find quite enjoyable, but brunch is always a let-down. Mostly because I don't like eggs and can't understand why eating a plate of pancakes could possibly result in anything but a long nap afterwards. I would imagine that Jeff would make brunch much more enticing, however, what with his rapier wit and all.

Coming up next …

Yes, we have to witness brunch. But then we actually get to revisit Angel’s office! And we get to hear about Dustin's honeymoon. Sort of. At any rate, I promise that Barry's coming back soon.

See you next time for ... Chapter 59: Invitations.

Chapter 57: One Night (Part III)

2009-11-20T10:46:00.003-05:00

So sitemeter allows me to see which phrases people are googling in order to get to this blog. Amazingly enough, the most frequently googled phrase is actually “barry windham wrestling boots.” Hey, they WERE pretty snazzy. So if you stumbled across here looking for boots, but somehow got caught up in this drama instead, welcome. And if you are seriously missing Barry … have patience. I promise that he’ll be back as soon as we get a bit more of this Jeff garbage out of the way. Today, we get one step closer:

Chapter 57: One Night (Part III)

“So I guess you’re not one of those women who gets turned off by the overconfident lady-killer type?”

“You’re not overconfident. You’re charming.”

Jeff chuckled.

“Besides,” Angel added. “I’ve been with your opposite—the goofy, shy, good-natured, slightly-awkward guy.”

“Too boring?”

“Too insistent on sleeping with his ex. Whoops, sorry, there went the fifth.”

“I won’t use it against you in court.”

“Thanks. Hey, Jeff, I just realized something.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, here we are at my hotel,” Angel said as Jeff opened the lobby door for her, “and we’re heading up to my room, but I don’t have any wine or movies or board games or music or photo albums or magazines or any other things we can pretend to be interested in until one of us makes a move on the other.” [photo albums? That’s a turn on. “Hey, here’s me in seventh grade! Look at my braces. Hey! Here’s me and my best friends. You don’t know any of them.”]

Jeff laughed as they stepped out of the elevator. “I like you a whole damn lot, Angel [sigh. Remember when characters would apologize for swearing? I kind of miss those days]. I guess we’ll just have to have a pretend object of interest. There’s got to be a room service menu. Or a pad and pen next to the phone. We could play hangman until one of us makes a move.”

“Are we really going to do that?”

“Probably not.”

“What about tic tac toe?” Angel asked as she inserted the key into the door. [is that a double entendre?]

“Are you that much of a glutton for punishment?”

“Are you sure that first victory wasn’t a fluke?”

“Those are fighting words, lady.”

The door closed behind them. Angel smiled at Jeff. “I’m going to go freshen up. I can’t believe I actually just said that. Only movie people say that.” [and characters in bad wrestling fan fiction, apparently]

“It’s classier than saying that you’re going to the can.”

“Excellent point!” At any rate, I’ll be right back. Make yourself at home—or at least your own hotel room.”

When Angel returned, Jeff was sitting on the bed with a pad of paper and a pen. “I’m X’s,” he said, handing the pad to Angel. She sat next to him and took the paper.

“Only suckers start in the middle.” [was THAT a double entendre?]

“Mmm-hmm,” he replied, handing her the pen. She took it and filled the rest of the squares with O’s [see bracketed comment above].

“Sucker,” she said.

“You play dirty.”

She grinned at him. He moved his face closer to hers, took the pen from her hand and put it in his shirt front pocket.

“I bet you do too.” She took the pen from his pocket and threw it on the floor [that seemed unnecessary]. Then she hooked her fingers in the pocket and drew him closer. Their noses touched. She felt his breath on her lips … [Ahem. Yeah. I know I promised that I’d type everything as it was written, but I actually forgot that I wrote this scene. It’s embarrassing, but not in the same way that lines like “love means hates nothing about” is embarrassing. So I’m just going to pretend that there are no extended descriptions of the way his calloused fingers felt against her soft skin or anything like that. Trust me, you’re really not missing anything. Let’s just say that they make out a lot, and it’s gross. Don’t worry, gentle readers, they don’t actually “do it.” There’s no need for anyone to go and tattle to Rick Steiner.]

NOTES:

1) Wow, I’m glad this one is behind me. At least this chapter is an outlier—the rest of ‘em are all strictly PG-13.

2) Oh Angel, you harlot. Rebounding with Slashburns in your hotel room. Freshening up. Throwing his pen on the floor. What happened to the nice young lady who brought cookies to a party and wore apricot t-shirts with a slight v-neck?

3) Let’s assume that it was a morning wrestling card. Why not?

Coming up next …

Angel and Jeff have a little talk about what happened the night before. I am going to have to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks to actually transcribe it. The good news is that we’ll get a break from Jeff chapters soon. Not soon enough, of course, but soon.

See you next time for …

Chapter 58: Invitations

Chapter 57: One Night (Part II)

2009-11-14T11:29:00.004-05:00

When last we left Jefgel, they were conversing about movies and favorite bands and being astonished at the fact that Angel worked in wrestling. Plus, Angel was wearing new underwear and I was squirming uncomfortably at the fact that I had written any of this. Today: Jeff nonchalantly admits that he is a musician and Angel has an internal monologue where she marvels about how she has no emotional attachment to Jeff and therefore it's a good idea to start getting frisky with him. Just a warning: that will be a recurring theme. I'm trying to think of a concise tag for that phenomenon. If y'all have any suggestions, please do share.

Chapter 57 – One Night (Part II)

“So look … what do you say we get out of here, take a walk along the pier, and get some ice cream or something?” Jeff said as they finished their meal.

“I’m up for the walk, but not the ice cream. I ate like fifty pounds of crab in there.”

“Who’s counting?”

“My engorged stomach.”

“Engorged … that’s such a romantic word. I’ll have to work that into a song.”

“You write songs?”

“Here and there. Did you like my lame attempt at working that seamlessly into the conversation?”

“Admirable indeed. Do you sing?”

“I try.”

“And play the guitar?”

“Am I that obvious?”

“Nah. Yeah,” she giggled. “Let me guess … you write songs about women.”

“Wrong on that one.”

“So it’s not a lure?”

“Well, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t lure incidentally, but I really just love to play.” [I've already rolled my eyes like 300 times since this chapter started]

“That’s cool. I used to play the violin in junior high. I gave it up when I started forming a chin callus.” [way to suffer for your art, Angel]

Jeff smiled at her and extended his right hand. “These are like my badge of honor,” he said, displaying his callused fingers.

“You know what would have looked just as cool? A humongous one of those on my face.”

Jeff laughed and turned towards her as they leaned on the railing overlooking the water. “Anything marring that face would be a crime,” he said, tracing her jawline with his finger. [uggggg] Angel shivered at his touch. “So, Angel?”

“Yes?”

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night.”

“What’s been stopping you?”

He tilted her face up towards his and brought his lips to hers. Angel’s head swam. No one had ever kissed her like this. The second his lips touched hers, everything else ceased to matter—but it wasn’t that she was caught up in love for him, as she had been with Chris, but with such a fierce passion that she could think of nothing else. When the kiss ended, she felt dizzy. [I don't feel so good myself having read that]

“Jeff …”

“Yeah?”

But she didn’t know what to say. The way he was looking at her rendered her speechless. His dark hazel eyes were locked on hers. He looked like he wanted to devour her. She had the distinct feeling that she was looking at him the same way.

“I … uhm …”

“We have the most intense chemistry I’ve ever felt. No joke.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean it. Look. You probably know that I’m no saint. I’ve been around … but this is crazy. The second I touch you, I …”

“Lose track of life?”

“Pretty much. That’s not a line, Angel. I’m speaking the truth here.”

“I know.”

“And you know what’s almost stupid?”

“What?”

“I like you so much that I wouldn’t even consider having a one night stand.”

“You only sleep with people you don’t like?”

“The fifth.”

Angel laughed. “So Jeff ... if I invite you back to my hotel room, I don’t have to worry about you thinking I’m a slut because I know it won’t be with the expectation of sleeping with you on the first non-date.”

“You’re seriously going to tempt me like that?”

“All I’m going to do is invite you back. You have my solemn vow that we will not have sex.”

“This is the weirdest conversation I’ve had in a long time.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Absolutely.”

As they walked back, neither of them spoke, but it wasn’t uncomfortable silence at all. Angel tried valiantly to not think about what she was doing, but she couldn’t help it. What if Jeff had not brought sex up? What if he hadn’t already promised not to sleep with her? How could she possibly tell him that she was a virgin without freaking him out? Was she seriously going back to her hotel room with a guy she barely knew, especially a guy she wanted this badly? Was he actually going to find out she was wearing a thong? That last thought sent shivers down her spine.

“So look, Angel, [awkward PSA alert!] even though we’ve not to have sex and we’ve both pleaded the fifth about all previous relationships, I just want you to know that even though I’ve been around, I’ve always done it safely.”

“Thanks, Jeff. I appreciate you saying that … and I’ve never had unsafe sex either.” Not at a lie at all, Angel thought. And there was really no reason to clarify beyond that. There was little chance she and Jeff would see each other again after this weekend. Why should she ruin a perfectly good night with awkward conversation, especially when they’d already agreed not to have sex?

--------------------------------

NOTES:

1) Gee, Angel, I don't know, why WOULD you ruin a good night with conversation? Why would you try to get to know someone a little bit better before inviting him back to your hotel room?

2) As smarmy as Jeff is, I don't quite want to punch him in the solar plexus just yet. Let's look at this from his perspective: he's a total hottie and he knows it. There's a hot blonde nurse looking to rebound. Everything he's doing and saying is totally in character. The only icky thing is that the hot nurse in question is Angel. He doesn't know that yet, readers. I actually feel kind of sorry for him at this point.

3) Don't you wish that Dustin had been eating at that restaurant too?

COMING UP NEXT ...

Avert your eyes, readers. It gets sort of steamy. I might actually have to tone it down a little, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to make eye contact with those of you whom I know in person. We'll see.

Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 57: One Night (Part III)

Chapter 57: One Night (Part I)

2009-11-06T11:37:00.002-05:00

Welcome, gentle readers. So last week, Angel talked to Dustin on the phone. Dustin warned her about Jeff's reputation as a ladykilling cad. Then Angel talked to Jeff on the phone. Jeff used some smooooth lines on Angel and they decided to go on a date. SQUEEEEEEEEEE! Today, Angel goes on that date. But first, she has to buy underwear. Yes, you read that right. Oh how I wish I had never written this one.

Chapter 57: One Night (Part I)

The urge to buy fancy underwear had never really struck Angel. [it’s all downhill from here, folks]. Angel was a simple cotton skivvies kind of girl. Sure, they were pretty colors and none of them came above her bellybutton or anything horrendous like that, but they were all very … polite. But there was something about Jeff that made her feel a deep need for thongs. [oh gross. I’m sorry, everyone.]

She felt something akin to self-consciousness as she browsed through the store. What was too much when it came to these kinds of things? How could these be comfortable [yeah, they can’t]? Did she really expect Jeff to see them anyway? That last question was not up for discussion … she was simply not thinking about what might or might not happen with Jeff.
She finally settled on a lacy black number. Sexy, but not overdoing it.

She wore a sheer black tank top [doesn’t that mean it’s see-through? I’m somewhat fashion illiterate] and an electric blue skirt and knee-high boots, also recent purchases. Her hair fell in soft layers [holla, 1998!] around her face and her lips shone with raspberry gloss.

“I’m pretty damn hot,” she said to her reflection. Why had it taken her so long to show some cleavage? [wow. Again … I’m sorry, readers.]

Jeff arrived six minutes late. Angel had never felt so acutely aware of the passing of minutes. When the knock finally came on her hotel room door, Angel had to force her hands to stop shaking.

“Be cool, lady,” she told herself as she opened the door.

Jeff looked amazing. His hair was pulled back, revealing the patterned slashes of sideburns. He wore a long-sleeved button-down shirt over stylish jeans. One arm was tucked behind his back.

“Hey Jeff,” Angel said, ushering him in.

“Hello, sexy.” Angel noticed the way his gaze quickly swept over her body before he met her gaze [super classy]. She smiled inwardly. “I know we’re just chilling, and not on a date, seeing as how I’m a wrestler and all, so I didn’t bring you flowers. But I did bring you this.” He produced a small brown paper bag from behind his back.

Angel smirked at him and opened the bag.

“A rubber ducky?”

“A Baltimore, Maryland rubber ducky.”

“It sure is. Thank you, Jeff. Its pained squeaks will always remind me of this non-date.”

“Ouch?”

“I’m only kidding. Thank you, really.”

“You look gorgeous.”

“You look pretty good yourself.”

“Shall we?”

She took his extended arm and locked the door behind her. [how many hotels require you to lock the door behind you? Don’t tell me she suddenly transported to her house again]

------------------------------------------------------

“This is my favorite restaurant in the Inner Harbor—not too touristy, don’t usually have to worry about fans. Fabulous crab cakes.”

“Good to know!”

“So what’s your story, Angel?” He asked, pushing her chair in for her.

“Hmm … what to say … well, I’m a nurse. I travel around with WCW. Guess it’s easier and cheaper for them than having the EMTs on call.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, well … I guess it saves money by …”

“No, I mean I had no idea you were in the business.” [I was starting to forget myself, actually]

“Why else would I have sworn off wrestlers? Ohh … you thought I was a ring rat, eh?” [a “ring rat” is basically a wrestling groupie]

“Well, you were hanging out at a hotel bar.”

“Yeah. Bad move on my part. It just seemed like a happening spot. You obviously have no problem with ring rats, seeing as how you’re sitting here.”

“Pleading the fifth.”

“No problem.”

“Been burned by a bunch of the guys, huh?”

“Fifth applies to me too.”

“Cool with me.” They clinked glasses. “I’m actually pretty relieved that you’re on the inside. Now we can talk about something besides …”

“Whether or not it’s fake.”

“Amen.”

“I’ve treated enough gaping wounds to know how real it is.”

“And you don’t have the glazed-over fan look in your eyes.”

“Nope.”

“You actually look more cynical than anything else.”

“Check.”

“The reason for which is …”

“Part of that fifth I plead.”

“Gotcha. And how do you usually react to the starry-eyed fan-variety eyes?”

“Fifth it is.”

“Okay then.” Angel laughed. “So let’s not talk about wrestling or wrestlers or wrestling fans. Or any permutations of the above.” [sounds like it will mesh well with the usual fare on this blog]

“Agreed. What’s your favorite band?”

“Pearl Jam. What’s your favorite movie?”

“The Shawshank Redemption. What’s your favorite food?”

“Lasagna. What’s your favorite season?”

“Winter.”

“Winter? That’s the worst! I’m from the south, so any time it gets below 60, I break out the winter coat.”

“Where in the south?”

“North Carolina.” [an obvious shout out to future me, no?]

“It’s gorgeous down there. I’ve always loved it when we traveled through it.”

“Yeah, I get a few weeks off coming to me I a little while. I can’t wait to get back there.”

“Ugg. I need a vacation too.”

“Well, if you get one, feel free to drop by NC.”

“Maybe I will,” Angel said, returning his grin.

------------------------------------------------------

NOTES:

1) I've never actually seen The Shawshank Redemption. I have no idea why I decided it was Angel's favorite movie. I would, however, like to point out that Pearl Jam is Jeff Hardy's favorite band and lasagna is his favorite food. I did some background research. That is so, so, so much more sad than when I did this kind of stuff at age 13.

Allright, folks ... I could write more, but I've got to hustle myself off to a conference in Hotlanta. Apologies in general for the lateness of updates recently. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Blarg. Things should settle down here in a month or so.

Coming up next ...

Angel and Jeff continue to have a date. It features "charming" banter and further grossness re: Jeff's ineluctable attraction to Angel. You might want to have some Pepto nearby when you read it. Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 57: One Night (Part II)

Chapter 56: The Other Half (Part II)

2009-10-30T16:14:00.002-04:00

As I suggested last week, this chapter is pretty much just Angel talking on the phone. If it helps, you can imagine that other, more interesting things are happening in the background. Perhaps dancing manatees are involved. Or ninjas. Who doesn’t love a ninja?

In other news … my love … for ellipses … is … overwhelmingly obvious … in … this chapter.

Chapter 56: The Other Half (part II)

When Angel looked at her answering machine, her heart fluttered … there were four messages. Maybe he had called?

“Angel? This is Dustin. Look … just call me as soon as you get this.”

“Angel … this is Scott. Give me a ring when you can.”

“Angel … Dustin again. Please call me soon. I’m worried about you.”

And then …

“Hey there Angel. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but I’m betting that you do. You lost at tic tac toe to a handsome stranger … that handsome stranger was me. [that is so smooth I can barely stand it. Fellas, take notes]. Anyway …. I’d love to hang out again. I’ll call you later.”

Angel barely prevented herself from squealing. He had called. And he said he’d call later! When the phone rang again, she was so excited that she forgot to see what it was.

“Hello?”

“Angel? I’m so glad I finally caught you!”

“Oh … hey Dustin. What’s up?” [cue the manatees!]

“Angel … about the other night …”

“Dustin. I know you’re just looking out for me … but I’m a grown woman.”

“I know, I know … but he’s bad news.” [bad news? Who talks like that?]

“So what?”

“He’s not your type, darlin’.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have a type, Dustin. Maybe I should just have a good time hanging out with Jeff.”

“He’s just … he’s a bad sort. Our partying all the time, going through women like water … he’s no gentleman.” [no, seriously: who talks like that?]

“Dustin … do you know how many gentlemen turn out to be scumbags? I’ve dated enough nice guys to know that they break your heart too. So if I know Jeff is a jerk to begin with, which I don’t even actually know, maybe that’s to my ultimate advantage.”

“Angel …”

“I have to go, Dustin. Have a nice night.” [won’t she see him later? Doesn’t she, you know, work with him?]

Angel hung up the phone before he could reply or protest. She knew her friend meant well, but the absolute last thing she watned to do right now was get love advice from Dustin Rhodes.

The phone rang again … it was Jeff. Angel took a deep breath and answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey pretty lady.” [cue the ninjas!]

“Hey smooth talker.”

“So I think we should hang out.”

“Me too. “

“Excellent. I’m in town for three more nights.” [what kind of wrestling card lasts three nights?!?]

“We’d better not waste any time then.”

“I agree. I’ll pick you up at seven.” [wait … when is he going to wrestle?]

“See you then, Jeff.”

“Later, Angel.”

Angel hung up the phone and sunk into the couch [in her hotel room? Does she have a suite? Or are we suddenly back in her apartment again?] Seven! What should she wear? Three more nights? And then what? But she couldn’t allow herself to worry about that now. Jeff Hardy wasn’t about the future, he was about now. And now she had to go get something to wear. [why not just wear your outfit from Sting’s party? That was a hit!]

NOTES

1) When was the last time Angel did anything related to her job? Or, for that matter, anyone wrestled?

2) I wonder what Scott wanted. Maybe to let Angel know that he’s in town, seeing as how Jeff is there. Scott is supposedly still in the WWF, which is of course where Jeff is. Yeah, my wrestling chronology is completely screwed up. I obviously wanted to introduce Jeff, but in doing so, needed to conveniently ignore the fact that 6 years of wrestling storylines and brand switches have elapsed. Hooray for artistic license!

3) Sort of hanging up on Dustin is the least lame thing Angel has ever done.

COMING UP NEXT …

Angel buys underwear. Oh man. I’m sooooo sorry about this. And then she goes on a date with Jeff. If you’ve got the intestinal fortitude [tm Gorilla Monsoon], tune in next week for …

Chapter 57: One Night

Chapter 56: The Other Half (part I)

2009-10-22T16:49:00.003-04:00

Hail, fearless readers. Last week, Jeff nauseated the entire galaxy by singing the praises of Angel's lips. This week, our stomach linings are granted a reprieve: today's chapter is approximately 87% Angel-Free. Whee!

Chapter 56: The Other Half (part I)

Angel felt as if her insides were made of gelatin. What had just happened? She grinned. Her phone rang.

“No way. He can’t be calling that soon,” she reasoned. But her heart leapt at the idea. But the caller ID was Dustin. [caller ID! Ha! Remember that?] She turned the ringer off and went to bed.

------

“Chris? You in there somewhere?” Justina asked, waving her arms theatrically in front of his face.

“Yeah … Yeah. Sorry, Foss. I’m just …”

“Thinking about the blonde.”

“How did you know she was blonde?”

“Benoit, you have a picture of her in your wallet.” [does anyone actually carry pictures of their girlfriends in their wallets?]

“Where did you get my wallet?”

“It’s open here on the end table. You should really keep track of it better.”

“Yeah. Hey, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Look … I know things are really confusing for you right now. I’m sorry I complicated everything.”

“Two to tango, Foss.”

“I know. Look, Chris … I didn’t want to ruin your life.”

Chris put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her intently. “Foss, you didn’t ruin anything. I’ve just got to sort some things out.”

She took his hands into hers and kissed them. “I have to go to work. I’ll see you later.”

Chris kissed her forehead and began to pack up his gear [woo! Duffel bagging!]. He exchanged nods and smiles with the other wrestlers who filtered through the dressing room and headed into the corridor. [sooo … this whole exchange took place in a dressing room? What was Justina doing there? Why would Chris have his wallet out on a table? How many dressing/locker rooms feature end tables?]

“Hey,” someone called behind him. Chris spun around to see Dustin Rhodes.

“What?”

“You going to tell me what’s going on with Angel?” [woah, that’s a bit forward, no?]

Chris put his bags down.

“Why the hell should I? You’re the one who screwed us up in the first place. So just back off, Rodeo Clown. I have nothing to explain to you. I owe you nothing.”

“Fair enough. Look, I know you have no reason to trust me or listen to me. And I also know that you and Angel’s relationship is none of my business … But I’m worried about her.”

“Dustin, I know she’s upset, but …”

“No—it’s not that. Chris, she left a bar last night with Jeff Hardy.”

“Jeff Hardy?”

“Yes. And when I tried to stop her, she went berserk on me. Chris, that fella is just no good. Parties all the time … with a different woman every night. Now, I’m not telling you what to do or how to run your love life, but I am telling you that you were so good for Angel, and I feel like a piece of garbage for getting in between y’all, and I’d do anything to get her away from that creep. I’ve said my piece.” [how patronizingly thoughtful of you]

Chris was silent. He clenched his jaw and offered his hand to Dustin.

“I appreciate that, Dustin. She doesn’t want to talk to me right now, and I don’t blame her. I screwed up bad. Bad. It’s going to take time. And my life is really confusing right now. So please, if you could, look after her as best you can?”

“Sure thing, Chris,” said Dustin, shaking Chris’s hand.

Chris ran his fingers through his hair, [ah, the classic physical manifestation of angst] picked up his bags, and left the arena.

NOTES:

1) Don’t you love it when male characters ask other male characters to “look after” female characters as if they were small children? Way to be progressive, college me.

2) I love how everyone knows Jeff Hardy well enough to have heard of him both as a wrestler and as a womanizer, but Angel couldn’t recognize him at the bar.

3) I kind of liked Chris in this chapter. Until he started showing concern for Angel.

COMING UP NEXT ....

In this chapter's exciting conclusion, Angel talks to various people on the phone. Wait, let me read it over again ... yeah, no, it's just talking to people on the phone. That's it.

See you next time for ...

Chapter 56: The Other Half (Part II)

Chapter 55: Reevaluation (Part 2)

2009-10-14T12:08:00.002-04:00

Welcome back, all. If you've made it this far, you've got a pretty strong stomach. And trust me, you're gonna need it for today's installment.

Chapter 55: Reevaluation (Part 2)

“You are?”

“Jeff Hardy.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of you. You and your brother wrestle in WWF.”

“That’s me.”

“You guys are good.” [so you’ve heard of them, know that they’re good, but can’t recognize him? Oookay.]

“You have incredible lips, Angelica Kerris.” [oh barf.]

She tilted her head to one side and gave him a lopsided grin. [tm Joey Potter, I think. I lurved me some Dawson’s Creek back in the day. And by “back in the day” I mean I might have it on in the background as I type this.] “You’re quit the charmer, aren’t you?”

He pushed the bar napkin back towards her. “Wouldn’t you like to find out for sure?”

“And so full of yourself.” But she pulled the napkin towards her and lifted the pen. Before she could put a single digit on the paper, however, she became aware of a figure hovering over her.

“This creep bothering you, Angel?”

She looked up to see Dustin giving dirty glances to Jeff. Jeff stood up and glared back. [what is Dustin doing there? Aren’t they in Minnesota?]

“He’s fine, Dustin. I’m fine.”

“Stay away from him, Angel. He’s trouble.”

“Why don’t you back off and mind your own business, cowboy?” Jeff suggested, voice low and stern.

“Why don’t you,” Dustin began, but Angel gently pushed him aside.

“I said I’m fine, Dustin. We were just leaving.”

“You’re leaving with him?”

“Yes. Goodnight. Go home to your wife. I can take care of myself.”

“Angel,” Dustin half-whispered, “I know this guy. He’s not the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Where’s Chris?”

“I appreciate you looking out for me Dustin, but don’t worry about me … and don’t even breathe that man’s name to me ever again.” She turned to Jeff. “So let’s go.”

Jeff left a twenty on the bar and put his arm around Angel, leading her out of the bar. Dustin shook his head as he watched them leave.

The night was cool and foggy, but the air smelled somewhat sweet. They walked in silence for a few blocks before Jeff spoke.

“So you have some overprotective friends.”

“And you have a crappy reputation.”

“The two obviously don’t mix.”

“I guess not.”

“So are you going to give me your phone number or what?”

“Maybe.”

“Am I going to have to thrash you at tic tac toe again?”

“Maybe.”

“Where are we going?”

“You just walked me home,” she said, stopping in front of her hotel. [huh?!?]

“How about that?”

“Can you find your way back?”

“You’re not going to invite me in?” he asked with a playful smile.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

“How should I know what kind of girl you are?”

“That’s right,” Angel mused aloud. “You don’t have any clue about who I am or how I act or what kinds of things I do or anything at all.”

“That could change.”

“Walk me to my room,” she said.

They made their way through the hotel in utterly unawkward silence. As they walked, Angel marveled at what she was doing – letting a total stranger—one with an apparently dangerous reputation—take her back to her room. What was she thinking?

As they got to her door, she turned to him. She knew what she was thinking then – he was gorgeous. She looked up at him.

“So do I get your phone number now?” he asked.

She responded by pulling him down towards her and kissing him. Taken somewhat off guard, Jeff quickly responded, placing one hand on her waist and the other on her face. Neither of them seemed willing to pull away. She could not remember the last time she had been kissed with such passion. Her knees felt watery. She gripped his arms to keep her balance. [what, no marveling at how muscular his arms are?]

When the kiss finally ended, they parted and looked at each other almost quizzically.

“I could tell,” he said after a little while.

“Tell what?”

“By looking at your lips. That you’d kiss like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like … there would be no words to describe it, only somehow only better than I imagined.” [uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg]

“Give me a break,” she said, grinning. “You probably say that to every girl you pick up at a bar.”

“Nah. Some of them. But I rarely mean it. And I never mean it this much – ever. Scout’s honor.”

“So what is it—the way they’re shaped?” [yes, Angel. The way they’re shaped. And the fact that they’re attached to you, of course, because you are the living embodiment of scrumtrulescence.]

He lifted her chin and stared intently at her lips. “Partially—have you noticed how full your lower lip is?”

Before she could say “No,” he kissed her again softly. She almost wanted to invite him in. Almost.

“So can I get your number?”

“I suppose.” She grabbed a pen from her purse and wrote her number on a scrap of paper.

“I don’t date wrestlers,” she reminded him.

“Who’s dating? We’re just hanging out.”

“That’s fine then.”

“I’ll call you sometime, Angelica.”

“Angel.”

“If you like. It was nice meeting you, Jeff.”

“You too. Sleep well.”

“Be safe.”

He kissed her forehead. Even that small act sent tiny shivers down Angel’s spine. She smiled at him and stepped into her hotel room.

NOTES:

1) Good golly, I loathe Angel. That is all.

Coming up next ...

Chris and Justina kind of sort stuff out while Dustin inserts himself into a chapter for no reason. Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 56: The Other Half

Chapter 55: Reevaluation (Part I)

2009-10-07T17:37:00.003-04:00

Greetings, all. And welcome to the Unabashedly Bad: The College Years.

In today's episode, Angel goes to a bar and has a drink. That's really pretty much all that happens. Oh, and yes, Amy. Armsocks. For serious.

Enjoy!

Chapter 55: Reevaluation (Part I)

Angel didn’t cry. [woah. was this chapter ghostwritten?] She had done enough crying in her life. She was done. She was also done with trying to figure out where she had gone wrong at every step in her entire relationship past. Right now, she just wanted to be alone. She didn’t answer the phone, she called in sick at work, and she deleted every message on her answering machine before she could even listen to them. She also briefly considered the following: quitting, moving, homicide, double homicide, and becoming a nun. She eventually talked herself out of each of these options, as they were all in some way impractical or illegal. But she had to do something different with herself. She couldn’t just bounce into work on Monday and smile as if her life were perfect. It was time for something different. She had been a sweet, naïve, unassuming girl all her life. All that got her was pain. Life had handed her so many lemons, but the lemonade she had turned them into was far too sweet. [see? I told you this was still bad.] Maybe it was time she spiked the lemonade.

“Okay,” she said out loud. “Okay.” She threw open the doors of her closet. [so she’s at home. In Minnesota. Remember that.] “I,” she said, grabbing a pair of heels, “am going to go to a bar and pick up men.” She put a coat of glossy red on to her lips. “No … I am going to a bar to let men try and pick up me.” She grabbed her purse and headed out. [Well that’s a stellar idea, Angel. But aren’t you afraid that your radiantly undeniable beauty will blind onlookers?]

The bar was noisy, smoky, and swarming with people. There were people in suits, people in jeans, and an alarming number of people with pronounced muscles and long hair.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Angel muttered to herself. She should’ve known better than to pick a hotel bar. Wrestlers. At least they weren’t from WCW. It looked like an odd blend of WWF guys and local indies [now why would they be mixing? And how would she know who they were?] Angel almost turned around, but then reasoned that she had nothing better to do and, seeing as how almost all the faces were unfamiliar, she might as well stay.

She sat at the end of the bar and ordered a cosmopolitan [sorry, folks. No winners this time]. She sipped it slowly and observed the throng of people. Men smiled at her. She smiled back. She had boring conversations with several forgettable guys, gave out three fake phone numbers, and switched to diet coke. Just as she was about to head out for the evening, someone leaned up against the bar right next to her.

“Leaving?” he asked.

“Maybe.”

“It’s not time to leave.”

“Why not?”

“You didn’t get to talk to me yet.”

“Man, you’ve got some confidence,” she said, smiling playfully. He didn’t’ respond, but he sat down and ordered a beer, motioning for the bartender to refill Angel’s drink as well.

As he ordered the drinks, Angel stole a quick glance at him. He was definitely a wrestler – with a body that looked cut out of marble. His face was young, smooth, and sharply defined, with sideburns that sloped at steep, marked angles towards his jawline. He was wearing a white shirt and baggy black jeans. And his hair …

“Is your hair purple?”

“Some of it.”

“Ok,” she said, shrugging.

“What’s your story?”

“It’s long and repetitive.” [pfft, she should’ve just given him the url of this blog]

“So let’s make it more fun.”

“That’s a horrible pick-up line.”

He flashed a smile at her. His eyes had a dark shine to them.

“You are incredibly sexy,” he said.

“You are incredibly forward.”

“It comes with the confidence.”

“I don’t date wrestlers,” she told him, turning back to the bar.

“What gave me away? The physique or the charisma?”

“The ego.”

“So we won’t date. We’ll chill.”

“We will?”

“I think so,” he handed her a bar napkin and a pen. She pushed it back towards him and grinned, noting the number sign.

“I just wanted to play tic tac toe. I was even going to let you start.”

“Okay.” She put an O in the center box and pushed it back towards him.

“Only a sucker starts in the middle box.” He put an X in the corner.

“Is that so?” She put an O in the other corner.

“Yep.” The napkin passed between them a few more times before he emerged triumphant. “See?”

“Only a sucker thinks he can impress a lady by beating her at tic tac toe.”

“What’s your name?”

“Angelica Kerris.”

“Pretty name.”

“You are?”

“Jeff Hardy.”

TO BE CONTINUED ...

NOTES:

1) Yeah, a cosmo. I saw a picture of one and thought it was pretty. I also assumed that it tasted good. Blech. Yes, as Oleg pointed out, I am hardly a connoisseur of alcohol. It all tastes nasty to me. If my parents are any indication, this aversion to alcohol has saved me a good deal of money and embarassment over the years. Sorry no one won this round. I've got another one coming up in chapter 61.

2) Jeff Hardy? Yeah, I thought he was pretty hawt back in the day. He looks kinda haggard these days, though, probably because of all those crazy drugs. Plus I heard he got in trouble with the law. I don't think Angel would approve of drugs and lawbreaking, Jeffy.

3) Who loses at tic tac toe? How does any game between two rational adults not end in a tie?

4) I love how Angel completely transforms in this chapter. It's almost as if three entire years have elapsed.

Oooooooookay.

COMING UP NEXT …

Jeff attempts to charm the pants off of Angel. Then one of Angel's Bestest Friends totally harshes on her realm. Hooo boy! Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 55: Reevaluation (Part II)

Chapter 54: Again

2009-09-29T21:35:00.001-04:00

Salutations, all.

Where were we? Ah yes. Courtesy of Violet’s Evil Scheme, Chris bumped into his ex-girlfriend. Courtesy of Justina’s lavender nightie, they instantly started knocking boots. Then Angel and Scott realized that their significant others had slept together and almost had A Moment. Today: Chris talks to people on the phone.

Chapter 54: Again

Chris stared at the phone in his hand. Should he call? Shouldn’t he call? What would she say? What would he say? e looked down at the He looked down at the slip of paper and dialed the numbers.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Foss.”

“Chris?”

“In the flesh … err … on the phone.”

“Dipwad.”

“Lovely.”

“I am.”

“I know.” [oh, the wittiness of this repartee]

“Benoit, we’ve been having the same conversation since we met.”

“Minus 10 years.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

“I know. It’s kind of weird.”

“I missed your voice.”

“I did too. What happened to us?”

“Just drifted apart … one of those things. We were kids.”

“We had dreams.”

“We had different dreams.”

“Yeah we did. Looks like they’re overlapping a little now.” Chris laughed.

“I guess so. Some cosmic forces want us together.” [if by cosmic forces you mean an irrationally vindictive psycho with three names, then yes, you are correct]

“Maybe. Look, Foss. Did you tell your boyfriend about us?”

“Yeah. Didn’t take it so well. Did you tell your woman?”

“No. It’s gonna be rough.”

“I ended up dating a wrestler, you know. I guess you got me hooked.” [how? It’s not like he was a wrestler when they were in college]

“I guess so. It must be the muscles.”

“They help.”

“So, who was it?”

“Scott Steiner.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Nope.”

“Holy crap.”

“What?”

“Dude is best friends with my ex.” [oh, so she’s your ex now? Does this mean that you won’t agonize over how you cheated on her? I’m guessing not.]

“Woah. Small freaking world. I guess she must know then.”

Chris was struck silent.

“Christopher?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Foss, why don’t we meet up later or something? Tomorrow night?”

“Ok. You gonna be all right?”

“Sure. I’ll see you soon.”

Chris hung up the phone. His head swam in circles. What was he going to do? How had his life turned upside down so quickly? Did Angel really know? Only one way to find out. He dialed her number.

“Hello?”

“Angel?”

“Chris.”

“How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“Oh, you know, hanging in there.”

“Tell me it’s not true, Chris.”

“I can’t.”

“Ok.” Her voice was oddly calm.

“Angel …”

“Don’t. I don’t want to hear any of it. I don’t want to hear a single word of explanation. Not one lurid detail about you and her and what you did. Just leave me alone, Chris. I honestly mean it.”

“Angel …”

“Weren’t you listening to me?” she was shouting now. “I don’t want to talk to you. You’re just like all the rest of them. So go and be with your college sweetheart … go screw each others’ brains out. But don’t you ever, ever speak another word to me.”

With that, she slammed the phone down. Chris threw down the receiver and gritted his teeth.

“Angel … I’m so sorry.” He turned out the lights, sat in the dark, and stared at the ceiling. [how can he sit down and stare at the ceiling? Won’t that hurt his neck? Well, at least he’s not crying. Which is odd, because I think that this is an appropriate crying situation.]

NOTES:

1) Yes, this chapter was pretty much just people talking on the phone. Hey, at least that means no extended descriptions of the night air or, like, Angel’s internal anguish.

OK, folks. So here’s the deal: I took a lengthy break from this in 1996. In that year, I actually developed a social life, which included getting a real boyfriend. So there was actually a three-year gap between this chapter and the next one that I wrote. Yes, I was 19 when I wrote most of the rest of this. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I kept it up throughout college. Yes, some of you knew me personally when I was writing this.

So you might be saying to yourself: “You were a semi-adult when you wrote this? AND an English major? AND the editor of your college literary magazine? Why then surely what follows must be well-written, incisive prose.”

Uhm, no. No it’s not. It’s still crap. You see, even though I was older and “wiser,” I wrote this in pencil in marble notebooks and had no intention of ever showing anybody. This means I never edited it, planned ahead, or worried about the quality of the writing. It might not be as gut-wrenchingly horrific as some of the oldest stuff, but it’s still … unabashedly bad. And I’m going to keep on posting it. Yes, eventually, I will get to the point where I’m fresh out of the old stuff. But never fear; that’ll be quite a while from now. And I’ve got a plan for a fun way to continue past then.

Anyhoo … on to the matter of the next chapter.

Coming up next …

Angel goes to a bar (!) and gets hit on. You know, because she’s so beautiful and all. And at this bar, she has an alcoholic beverage (!)

BUT WHICH BEVERAGE???

That’s right … it’s another Unabashedly Bad Contest. If you can guess what alcoholic beverage our beloved Mary Sue imbibes, you will win a WWF VHS from my personal collection. Leave guesses in the comments section.

See you next time for …

Chapter 55 – Reevaluation

Chapter 53: Company

2009-09-22T21:32:00.007-04:00

Salutations, readers. If you enjoy playing drinking games while reading this, then I hereby suggest the following:

every time you see ellipses: take a drink
every time either Angel or Scott says the other one's name for no apparant reason: take a drink
every time Scott says "Dammit" : take a drink
every time Angel refers to Chris as "my Chris": take a drink
egregious crying: take a drink
tandem egregious crying: finish the bottle

You might not want to play this game with anything stronger than club soda. Otherwise you'll probably end up in the hospital.

Enjoy!

Chapter 53 – Company

“Dammit, Angel. Dammit, Dammit!”

“Scott, calm down, okay?” There was little she could do. Scott was, after all, a professional wrestler [and she just a helpless woman]. She put her small hands on his massive back [oh wow].

“Destroying your apartment won’t help.”

He ignored her and toppled a potted plant. [I’ve heard that Mario Batali does the same thing when he’s drunk. My brother-in-law works at a hotel where Mario stayed. No potted plant was safe.]

“Sit down, Scott.”

He complied for a second, then stood again. Angel folded her hands over his and pleaded with him to return to the couch.

“Scott, Scott. Tell me. Sit down and tell me.”

“Dammit, Angel.” His voice was much softer this time. He sank into the couch, head in hands. [could it be? Could it really be? The return of egregious crying?!?]

“What is it?”

“She cheated on me. She slept with her ex-boyfriend.”

“Justina? How did you find out?”

“She told me, Angel. Dammit, Angel. I thought … I mean I really thought she was … God.” [you thought she was God?]

Angel rested her cheek on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry. When did she tell you?”

“This morning.” His face was still buried in his hands. “She said she just ran into her old college sweetheart in the hotel and then one thing led to the other … Angel, how does that happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“They slept together! You don’t just run into somebody and … Dammit.”

“Maybe they just caught up in …”

“There are no excuses Angel. It happened. That Canadian whore.”

Angel giggled. “Sorry. Amusing epithet. I’ve got my own problems with Canadians these days.” She squoze Scott’s shoulder and smiled. Suddenly, an idean fringed her insides with ice. “Scott?”

“Yeah.”

“What, um, what did you say Justina’s last name was?”

“Foster. Justina Foster. Why?”

“And … what college did she go to, if you know?” Angel’s fingers shook.

“Edmonton. Freaking Canadians.”

“Oh no.”

“What?”

Angel’s chest fell into itself. She froze.

“Angel?” Scott forgot his rage as he watched his friend’s face bleed dry of color. Her lips were parted but no sounds escaped them. He shook her gently. “Angel?” Less gently.

“Chris,” she whispered.

“What?”

“She slept with my Chris.”

“No. No. What would make you think something like that?”

“That’s where I heard that name before. Justina Foster,” she spat the words. “She and Chris.” [way to jump to conclusions there, Angel. You assume that she only had ONE boyfriend throughout all four years of college??]

“Angel …” Scott clasped her hand.

“My Chris.”

“Angel …”

“God. Scott.” She broke down into sobs. [about freaking time!] Scott pressed her to his shoulder. He had no words. [finally]

“Shh.”

“My Chris. Scott … Scott …” [there’s some compelling dialogue if I ever read any.]

“Just cry, Angel. Can’t do much else.” [except knock over potted plants, apparently.]

He held her until he began to cry too. [woooo!!!] Then they held each other. [how is this physically different?] The night fell around them.

“What do we do, Scott?”

“I don’t know.”

“My Chris …” [uhm, you guys were technically broken up].

“When’s the last time you spoke with him?”

“Couple days. My Chris. Scott … I was saving myself for him. Just him.” [except you didn’t want to marry him?]

“Angel …”

“Scott, I was ready. I was going to tell him that I was ready … for him.” [WOAH. When did you arrive at this decision? You sure are good at keeping secrets. Especially from the readers].

`Shh …”

“I thought he understood. I thought he could wait … What’s wrong with me?” [oh, where does one begin?]

“Angel,” he pushed her hair behind her ears. “Angel look at me. There is nothing wrong with either you or me. We are wonderful, intelligent [snerk], attractive people.”

“Sure. Why don’t …”

“Shh. Just listen. You are one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Scott …”

“No, Angel. I mean it. You are gorgeous. I’ve always thought so. From the first time we met at Sting’s party. Angel …” He cupped her chin in his hands and looked into her eyes. “Angel,”

“Scott, don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Tell me I’m beautiful now.”

“Why?”

“It’s too easy for us.”

“What do you mean?”

“Too easy for us to try to make ourselves better by … giving in.”

“Giving in to what?”

“Jealously, hurt, and …”

“And …?”

“An undeniable mutual attraction.” [where did THAT come from?]

“Angel. I’m not trying to take advantage of you.” He stroked her hair.

“I know that Scott. I’m not accusing you of that. But I know how broken we both are. And I know how badly we … at least I … am fighting the urge to …”

“To?”

“To … do what … we …” She looked away. Her hands trembled

Scott cupped her chin in his hands again.

“No,” Angel said, pulling away. “This is wrong. It’s all wrong. We can’t.”

“You’re right. You’re right.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Dammit, Angel. Why us? Why do we have the worst relationship luck on the whole planet?” [maybe it’s not luck so much as the fact that you’re both seriously screwed up]

“I dunno, Scott. Just lucky I guess.”

“Lucky,” Scott said sourly. “Lucky. Justina and Chris should be so lucky. Angel, when I see him, I’m going to bash his pointy face in .”

“Scott …”

“Yeah, yeah. I won’t. I’m going home, Angel. [uhm … aren’t you in your apartment already?] Take care of yourself.”

“You too, Scott. I’ll be in touch.”

NOTES:

1) Scangel? Gross. But maybe they deserve each other? Still. Gross.

2) Hey, everyone … just in case you didn’t know: Angel is the most beautifullest girl on the planet. EVER. No man can resist her charms.

3) WTF was up with all of shocking left-field revelations in this chapter? And the sudden violent streak emerging in Scott? Oh, whatever.

COMING UP NEXT

Angel confronts Chris. Sort of. Well ... it’s slightly more confrontational than her confrontation with Marcus. It's pretty dang nonconfrontational as far as confrontations go.

See you then for ...

Chapter 54 - Again

Chapter 52: Reprocussion [sic] Discussion (Part II)

2009-09-16T20:57:00.005-04:00

Alright, buds. It’s me again. A day late again. Many apologies. I continue to blame work. Actually, it’s not so much my job per se as it the ridiculousness of the academic job market. It’s BAD out there, my friends. BAD. Almost as bad as …

Chapter 52: Reprocussion [sic] Discussion (part II)

They shared an English Lit class in their Freshman years at Edmonton University. He perfectly recalled the first day he had caught eyes with her:

She was wearing an Edmonton Oilers tee-shirt and giant neon green bangles on her wrists. Her spirals of copper hair exploded from her head in a myriad of directions.

“Is this English Literature 101?” She had asked him, staring down at a crumpled schedule.

Chris: long-haired, sort of gawky, decked out in a Black Sabbath shirt [uhm, was his Frankie Valli shirt in the wash?] and black boots, mumbled: “I think so.”

They sat next to each other as Professor Cavanaugh entered the room. Without missing a breath, he delved right into a speech. “First of all, I loathe wasting time. I also loathe tardiness. The first portion of literature we will be studying is a portion of the works from the Shelley portion of our Anthology.”

From that day on, Justina and Chris kept a daily tally on how many times Professor Cavanaugh said “portion” in a class. They would fight to stifle giggles and kick each other under the desk. A smile stretched across Chris’ face when he thought of the day of their first big exam. Upon reading the first question, “In which portion of the play Macbeth does the first portion of blood imagery come into play,” they had both burst into uncontrollable laughter. They then sat through a lengthy lecture (containing 31 “portions”) and were given one more chance to shape up before failing the semester. [for laughing during a test? Dang]

He recalled their first “date.” He invited her to watch the Oilers game with him in the commons [sic] room. They laughed over every stupid commercial—Chris was astounded that someone else found Mr. Whipple as amusing as he. He walked her back to her dorm and they turned towards each other in the doorway. There was no awkwardness in this moment. The night surrounded them in an inky fluid. The moon caught her face in a soft, luscious light. She smiled up at him and he brought her lips [sic] down on to hers gently. She touched the back of his neck lightly and then pulled back.

“The dating portion was fun, Chris, and the kissing portion was fantastic, but we both need to study before we fail the English 101 portion of our college years.”

He looked at her and grinned. “No, cousin. I’ll to Fife.”

“What?”

“Well, Shakespeare is romantic, and that’s the only line I can remember.” [actually, this is a remarkably accurate depiction of the way most freshmen think of Shakespeare. That’s because they read Romeo and Juliet, which does not contain cannibalism, infanticide, gang rape, and mutilation. That’s Titus Andronicus. You don't read that in high school. For good reason.]

“I think you need to study more than I do. Goodnight, Christopher. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He saw her tomorrow. He saw her the next day. He saw her every day for the next four years. And then they separated with promises to stay faithful. But time had watered down their bonds – she moved to Michigan, he began his wrestling career.

And here they were now.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“What ya thinking about?”

“Everything. This is so weird, Justina.”

“I know. But it was great.”

“Yeah.”

“Chris? I have a boyfriend.”

“Oh. I have … uh … an Angel.” [oh, gross]

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

“Did that really just happen?”

“I’d ask you to pinch me, but if you did, it’d probably happen again.”

She giggled. He put his socks on. [where is he going? What time is it?]

“I have to go to work, Foss.”

“Me too.”

“We’ll talk later.”

“I’m sure.”

She pinched him anyway. Just in case.

NOTES:

1) Look, folks, I’m going to out myself as a college English teacher here. Because I simply must express my incredulity: How are Shelley and Macbeth being taught in the same course? That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever written.

2) I had a biology teacher who comically overused the word “portion.” I always counted. Her record was 89 “portions” in one class. It was amazing.

3) I had an English teacher who repeated the line “No cousin. I’ll to Fife” incessantly. It supposedly demonstrated Macduff’s integrity. I’m playing it for “comedy” here, of course. Apologies to the Bard.

4) Where was the "discussion" of the "reprocussions" [sic]? I guess it was more important to flex my writing muscles by overwrought descriptions of the magical night.

And alas, the answer was Mr. Whipple. No contest winners this round. But another one is coming up in chapter 55!

COMING UP NEXT:

Scott and Angel have a chat. And unlike all of their previous chats, important information is actually exchanged. And there are meltdowns. But, seeing as how Scott and Angel are involved, they are dumb meltdowns.

Tune in next time for …

Chapter 53: Company

Chapter 52: Reprocussion [sic] Discussion (Part I)

2009-09-09T17:04:00.006-04:00

Sorry, sorry, sorry for the delay, ladies and gents. Busy with junk and stuff. Hope the marvelous stupidity of Chris' inner monologue in this chapter will make up for the lateness.

Enjoy!

Chapter 52: Reprocussion [sic] Discussion (Part I)

Justina cuddled closer to Chris and smiled. He ran his fingers through her curls and kissed her head.

“That was …”

“Phenomenal,” he finished.

“Mmm.”

“But … back to reality. What are you doing in my hotel room, Foss?”

“Your hotel room? This is my hotel room.” [cue the wacky hijinx music]

“How? This wing is for WCW employees.” [they have their own wing now? Oh, whatever.]

“Your point being ...?”

“What, you got a job here?”

“You betcha. And Felicia Baigen showed me to this room.”

“Who?”

“I think she’s like some executive assistant or something. She’s got all of the paperwork and reservation thingies if you don’t believe me.”

“Course I believe you. Guess there was just a mix up. So what’re you doing here? Seamstress?”

“Tailor,” she corrected. [ah yes. That sounds much more believable.]

“Ah.” He turned his head and looked at her, eyes flashing.

“I know that twinkle.”

“Do you?” He grinned.

“Don’t you ever run out of energy?”

“Not with someone like you. Just watching you blink is sexy.”

She fluttered here eyelids in response.

“Oh baby.”

Hours later [hours? Dang.], Justina’s red head settled into the crook of his elbow as she slept peacefully [wait, what time is it anyway?]. Chris’ temporary brain fog had dissolved. Reality bit into him like a gust of winter. This woman lying next to him was not Angel. [duh. You just had sex with her. Wasn’t that clue #1?] He had just spent the last six hours releasing all his sexual frustration [eew?] on someone who was not Angel [hence the frustration, no?]. It was not their long-awaited wedding night; it was a week after he had dumped her. And this woman was not Angel. Chris closed his eyes and tried to convince himself otherwise. He was at Angel’s hosue and they had fallen asleep watching TV [naked?]. What had they been watching? The Pelican Brief. But it had gotten boring and … oh, to hell with it. It was no use. He could not pretend that the floor to the left of the bed wasn’t littered with their clothes, that the sheets weren’t tangled around his ankles, or that the woman next to him wasn’t anyone but Angel. [wait, did that last part make sense?]

How could this have happened? He hadn’t seen Justina in 10 years. How could he have had sex with her 10 minutes after meeting her again [maybe it was the lavender negligee]. Where had been his self-control? The truth was, he hadn’t even thought for a second about Angel [congratulations, Chris. Congratulations]. Maybe what had just happened was a sign of some sort. Maybe it was time to move on.

Chris heaved a sigh and closed his eyes. He was in a mess. He felt like he had cheated on Angel and they weren’t even technically still going out. Well … she had kissed Dustin Rhodes. But Chris had done much more than just kiss Justina. Should he tell Angel? Did it even matter? It would kill her.

This week without her had been torture for Chris. Was he just using Justina to escape his troubles? What did he feel for her? He had truly loved her in College, but what about now? [uhm, you just ran into her six hours ago. Chill.] Maybe she was a totally different person. He had changed quite a bit. He remembered the way they had been. They shared an English Lit class in their Freshman years at Edmonton University. He perfectly recalled the first day he had caught eyes with her ...

NOTES:

1) I swear I wrote this long before the “we were on a break” Ross and Rachel drama that ate Friends.

2) That’s nice. So women can either be nurses, airheads, vindictive bitches, or seamstresses. Excuse me … tailors.

COMING UP NEXT:

Chris waxes nostalgic about his relationship with Justina. I try to be a Serious Author by using Extensive Descriptions of, like, the moon and stuff. And I mention a beloved television commercial icon from the 80's. BUT WHICH ONE? That's right, folks. It's another UNABASHEDLY BAD CONTEST. The prize: a wrestling VHS from my personal collection. You know you want one. Leave your guesses in the comments section! And join us next week for ...

Chapter 52: Reprocussion [sic] Discussion (Part I)

Chapter 51: In the Dark

2009-08-31T11:01:00.000-04:00

Chapter 51: In the Dark

The phone rang, jarring Angel from a sleep she had entered with great difficulty.

“Hello,” she rasped.

“Ang? Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Sorta. What’s up, Scott?”

“Not much – what are you doing asleep?” [what kind of a question is that?]

“What are you doing awake? It’s … oh, it’s only 9:30, sorry.”

“Are you sick?”

“No, no.”

“Then what? You sound distressed.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s Chris.” [you remember that she has a boyfriend? And that this boyfriend has a name? how novel!]

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“It’s such a long story.”

“I have a while.”

“You’re sure you want to hear this?” [why isn’t she asking this of the readers?]

“Of course.”

“Okay.” Angel told him the entire story, from her kiss with Dustin to their pact to say away from each other for a few weeks. [her and Dustin’s pact? Of course not. Why would Angel and Dustin try to stay away from each other when instead they can be having sock-optional sleepovers?]

“That’s rough, Ang. I’m sorry.”

“Could be worse,” she sighed. [hey! Irony! Look how unsubtle!]

“Don’t worry. You two were made for each other. It’ll be okay.” [AngelSense™]

“I hope so. So what’s new with you, Scott?”

“I’m in love!” he nearly shouted. [that’s nice. That’s exactly what you say to someone who is having relationship troubles bad enough to alter her sleeping patterns.]

“That’s fabulous! Is it that woman you told me about before? What was her name … Justine?”

“Justina, and yes, she puts Marie in the dust.”

“Great! I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks. Anyway, I just called to tell you that she got a job at WCW with you, so maybe you can see her around.”

“Ooh! We can gossip about you!”

“Uh-oh. I’d better look out.”

Angel giggled. “What’s her last name?”

“Foster. She’s soooo beautiful.” [I can’t believe he didn’t offer up this information, as well as her hair and eye color, the second Angel picked up the phone.]

Foster … Justina Foster … Angel thought and thought but she couldn’t remember where she’d heard that name before.

“Can’t wait to meet her. Scott, nothing personal, but I’m dead tired.”

“Oh. Ok. Sorry to wake you.”

“That’s allright. I’ll see you soon.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Scott nearly bouncing off the walls with joy, Angel trying to dispel that nagging feeling she had that something was terribly out of kilter.

NOTES:

1) How can Angel not remember Justina’s name? Don’t you pay a lot of attention to your significant others when they discuss exes? Because that’s interesting stuff and it gives you all kinds of insight into their personalities and whatnot. And then you gladly accept the invitation your partner gives you to look at old pictures from college and you scrutinize the photos of him and his old girlfriends to make sure that you are prettier. Or maybe that’s just me. Wait, where was I? Ah yes. Justina. Well, let’s just chalk this one up to plot contrivance.

2) I would actually like to see Angel and Justina gossiping about Scott. I wonder how long it would take before Justina asked Angel if Scott has always had such a bizarre relationship with his brother and such confusing sexual mores, to which Angel would reply: “What are you talking about? Let’s get back to me here.”

COMING UP NEXT …

Justina and Chris stave off guilt by having at it once more, then Chris takes a trip down memory lane. See what I thought people did in college years before I actually went there. It’s a long chapter, so I think I’m going to split it up. The second part will feature a contest! Wheee!

Tune in next week for … Chapter 52: Reprocussion [sic] Discussion (Part I)

Chapter 50: Mate

2009-08-26T16:58:00.007-04:00

Sorry this one is a day late, folks. I got super busy over here. This time of year is a little hectic at my job and it's probably not going to quiet down until Christmas. But that most assuredly will not stop me from festooning you with this drivel.

So ... last week, Justina took a shower and put on two different outfits before going to bed. Chris walked into his hotel room and discovered Justina standing there in one of those two outfits. GASP. Today: cue the bow chicka wow wows.

Chapter 50: Mate

The present melted away from Chris's conscious mind and the past flooded in.

It was 1986. Chris was in his second year of college at Edmonton University. Memories flashed at him in bits and pieces [is this a flashback within a flashback?]. The way her hair always smelled. The tiny birthmark that looked just like a seahorse on her stomach. Her perfect impression of Professor Cavanaugh. The way she said his name. The warm, passionate, excited sparkles in her hazel eyes when she informed him that this would be The Night [hey now! Where did that come from?!?] How smooth her cheeks were, how firm her lips were, how soft her skin was, the way she could so easily drive him up the wall by kissing his neck, the sweetness of her voice every time she told him she loved him. Her strange obsession with rabbits [huh?]. Everything they had been through ran through his mind in a half-second.

“My God,” she whispered, feeling the same wave of memories wash over her.

“Tina? Foss?”

“You remember my nicknames?” [they’re not exactly far from your actual name, lady]

“Do bunnies hop?” [oh wow]

“Oh, Chris!”

They ran toward each other and embraced.

“Been too long, Foss.”

“Your biceps got bigger.”

“That’s not the only thing.” [oh WOW.]

“Your mind?”

“Noooo.”

“Hmm, say, what is that in your pocket.” [I didn’t. Oh, I did.]

“Nothing. I’m just happy to see you.”

“Same old conversation. You haven’t forgotten?” she asked as they drew apart.

“Forget? It’s only been what … ten years?”

“Damn. Oh, Christopher. I’ve thought about you so much.”

“Me too, Foss. You look as stunning as ever.” [especially seeing as how she’s wearing a lavender negligee. Why isn’t she frantically trying to put on pants? Shoot, if I ran into an old college boyfriend like this I’d be … well, in the case of 90% of them, I’d be trying to find an object to use as a bludgeoning instrument … but for the other 10%, I’d be frantically searching for pants.]

“Flattery got you everywhere.”

“I’d like to think it was more than flattery.”

“Mmm … maybe.”

“You’re still using the same shampoo.”

“I swear by it.”

“I remember.”

“What else do you remember?”

“Everything.”

“Like what?”

“Well … I remember how gorgeous you were.”

“Were!?!”

“And still are, Tina dear.”

“You look good enough to eat, my little love-rabbit.” [oh WOW. I haven’t been this embarrassed by my own writing for several chapters now. This is painful.]

“Really?”

“Really. Hmmm …”

“What?”

“I wonder … do you still have that one tickle spot?”

“Uhh … no.”

“I think I’ll have to test for myself.” Justina removed her hands from his and moved them slowly to both of his sides. Before he could push them away, she began working her fingers underneath his ribcage until his chuckles gave way to giggles, which gave way to peals of laughter.

“Stop! Please!” He begged, trying to gulp air.

“Do you admit the unrelenting superiority of the Edmonton Oilers over the Bruins?” [see, they’re Canadian. They obviously like hockey.]

“Yes! Yes! Please just stop!”

“Uhmmmm … ok.” She withdrew and let Chris alone. He fell onto the bed, giggling and wheezing, eyes streaming. She knelt next to him.

“You know what I remember?”

“Ugh?” he grunted.

“How tense the muscles in your back got.” She removed his shirt and pushed the heels of her hands into the taut flesh of his lower back, kneading and rubbing her way up to his neck and back down again.

“Oooh. I haven’t felt like this in …”

“Ten years?”

“Exactly.”

“Poor Chris. Too long. Nobody’s massaged you?”

“Not like that.”

“Well then … has anyone done this?” She lightly kissed his ear, along his jawbone, his collar [uhm, did he put his shirt back on?]. She then pressed her lips onto his and enveloped him in a long, beautiful kiss. That burst of memory was too much for him – he wanted nothing more than to make love to her now.

NOTES:

1) Woah, nelly! Way to get all racy here, young me! Let’s see, judging by the notes in the margin (i.e., I <3 PEDRO), I was dating my first “real boyfriend” when I wrote this (incidentally, Pedro broke up with me after a month. It was right before spring break and he told me that he had to move back to Puerto Rico. I was heartbroken, but what could I do? Fate was tearing us apart. Then I saw him at school after break was over. It was then that I discovered that he was a pathological liar who also apparently had problems with planning for future inevitabilities. Other than that, he was a nice guy.) Please do note that I was nowhere close to achieving the level of bedroom activity described in this chapter, and am thus mildly surprised that although the dialogue is completely inane, no one does anything incredibly weird, like sticking a tongue directly into an ear canal, for example.

2) So Violet’s plan has succeeded, huh? ENDGAME! Who would have thunk it? I wonder if this will satisfy her, or if she and Felicia will continue to harass Angel for no obvious reason.

COMING UP NEXT …

Scott Steiner calls Angel to ramble about how happy he is with Justina. Scott does indeed ramble. Angel says stupid things. Anvils threaten to flatten every character, but alas, only figuratively. I promise the one after this is slightly more interesting, but first we must suffer through …

CHAPTER 51: In the Dark

Chapter 49: Check

2009-08-18T13:31:00.003-04:00

Howdy, friends. It's another scorcher here. Plus it's mosquitoey beyond belief. Yesterday I actually got six mosquito bites while I was sitting on my couch. And yes, my couch is inside.

In other amusing news, my mom called and said that she and my dad want to come and visit Slice and me for our first anniversary. Yeah. I replied: "Do you think you could just let Time rob the marriage of its romance gradually? Why must you hurry it along?" Good ol' parents. They mean well. Even Slice's. Who, incidentally, went into hysterics when we told them that we were going to the beach, because the sun will kill you instantly. I'd suggest that they were vampires, but that would infer that they drink blood, and I'm sure blood is very high in sodium. Maybe if SmartBalance made a blood substitute?

But I digress ... Where were we? Ah, yes. Violet's pawn is just about to take Angel's queen. Bring it!

Chapter 49: Check

The following week was a nightmare for Chris and Angel. They were around each other quite often at work, making for numerous uncomfortable situations. Their conversations were brief and strained, and they made every attempt to avoid each other. Violet, however, was in a better mood than ever, though she too wisely avoided Chris. With any luck, her pawn would be here any day, all thanks to a little bit of intelligent scheming and the reliability of Felicia.

Felicia met Justina’s plane at the airport in San Diego and drove her to the hotel.

“Wow, thanks, Ms. Baigen. Are you this hospitable to all of your new employees?”

“Of course! Company policy. Now, I must be off. Here is your key … Room 302. I believe I’m sure you’ll make a fine costume designer here.”

“Thank you for everything!”

“No problem at all! Be seeing you around.”

They said their goodbyes and Justine retreated to her room. She shook her long coppery curls from their bun and brushed them out [speaking as someone who occasionally has curly hair, this sounds like a recipe for frizz) before deciding to take a shower.

Chris Benoit got into the taxi and told the driver his destination, the San Diego Rialto Hotel. [so we’re back to these weird boutique hotels? And a taxi? That doesn’t sound cost efficient.]

Meanwhile, Justina turned off the shower and wrapped herself in a terrycloth towel. She selected a cool dress made form a light blue cotton and put it on. After drying her hair, she thought better of it and changed into her lavender negligee. It was almost time for bed anyway.

Chris arrived at the hotel and was immediately glad he had his key waiting for him on reserve. There was an enormous line of people waiting to get a room. He picked up the key from the front desk and made his way upstairs to room 302. As he fit the key into the lock, he barely had time to wonder why the lights were on [uhm, because they usually are in a hotel room?] before what he saw shocked his mind into numbness.

NOTES:

1) Is it just me, or is Violet’s Evil Scheme like the evil inverse of Angel’s kind-hearted, tear-inducing plan to reunite Brutus and Laurie? I can promise you that I just thought of this now, and was not going for any sort of literary depth when I wrote it.

2) Look, I can buy that Violet could get Felicia to pick Justina up at the airport and drive her to the hotel. I can even somehow buy the idea that they arranged for Justina and Chris to have the same hotel room. But how the heck did Violet wrangle a job for Justina? Is she sleeping with Ole? (probably) And how did Violet even find out what Justina did for a living? Were there other fake surveys that we were not privy to?

3) Re: Justina’s clothing: She’s alone in a hotel room, ready to settle down for the night. She takes a shower and then puts on a dress? Then changes her mind and puts on lingerie? I don’t know about you, but unless the room temperature was stuck at 40 degrees or the blinds were stuck on wide open, I’d have considered the situation clothing optional. Or, at the very most, I’d have donned an old T-shirt and gym shorts. Oh well.

COMING UP NEXT …

Will Justina’s lavender negligee help bring Violet’s Evil Scheme into fruition? Will I start making appalling single entendres? Will there be a tickle fight? Find out next time in …

Chapter 50: Mate

Chapter 48: Confession (Part II)

2009-08-11T22:22:00.001-04:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome! Well, I’m sure you were all crying buckets all week as you worried yourselves sick over the troubles rocking the S.S. Changel. Therefore, without further ado, I humbly present to you the inconclusive conclusion to Chapter 48.

Huzzah.

Chapter 48 – Confession (Part II)

“Chris?”

“I don’t know, Angel. God knows I want to believe you.” He spun and faced her, face wet with tears. “It hurts, Angel! It hurts that I should even have to think about you and anyone else.”

“I know.”

He walked close to her and locked eyes with her. “Tell me the truth.”

“I swear to you that nothing happened that night. And I swear that I love you, Chris. With all my heart.”

He continued to stare into her red eyes for a long while until he finally said, “I believe you, Angel.”

She closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. “Thank God.”

“But Angel, I don’t think we should see each other for a while. This is too much.”

“What?”

“I don’t know what else to do. We’re no good right now. I think we both need to take a step back and realize what is going on. ‘Cause I sure as hell don’t know now.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I am too. But what’s done is done. The only thing we can do now is hope our future will be brighter.”

“Three weeks. If we can survive that, we can survive anything.” [of course. Three weeks is the ideal amount of time to prove that you can spend a lifetime together]

“That sounds like a good amount of time to me.”

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“Oh, Angel. I love you too. And we can get through this. I know we can.”

“Yeah.”

“I should go now.”

“Ok.” She said softly.

Chris walked towards the door with Angel following close behind. She had no clue as to what to say next.

“Drive safely,” she murmured.

“Sure.” He looked at her for a long time before he closed the door behind him.

Angel expected herself to break down into tears the moment he left, but she didn’t [wtf? Is she feeling a bit off today?] She wanted to talk to someone. She wanted to talk to Bobby. She wanted to talk to … Mr. P, Scott, Rick, Dustin, anyone. [Sure, Dustin would be a capital idea.] The last thing she wanted was to be alone. Her eyes fell on Dustin’s sock. The tears welled in her eyes, but instead of reaching for the box of tissues [why would she have to reach for them? Aren’t they always on her person?], she reached for the telephone. Who should she call? She picked up the receiver and listened to the dial tone. Suddenly, Felicia’s face popped into her head. [She remembered the conversation they had had earlier.

“What the heck,” Angel thought. She dialed Felicia’s number and waited for her to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Felicia?”

“Yes.”

“This is Angelica Kerris.”

“Oh. Hi. What’s up?”

So Angel told her about the entire talk she had just had with Chris, from the moment he stepped into her house to the moment he walked out the door. When she was finished, she breathed a heavy sigh and waited for Felicia to say something. When she finally opened her mouth, Angel was shocked.

“It’s definitely for the better, Angel. You really need to date more people.”

“What?!? I don’t want to date anyone else. I want Chris! I love Chris!”

“Hmm ... what do you think about him dating other women?”

“Why?”

“Oh don’t worry! I’m not interested! I’m engaged! I’m just wondering.”

“Oh. Sorry. Uh … I don’t know, Felicia. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think he’s thinking about anyone else.”

“Were you this jealous when you two were going out?” [Ha! This is like the opposite of AngelSense© Brand advice.]

“I’m not jealous, just worried. And I have reason to be! You were right! He did kiss another woman.”

“Really? Oh, honey, this wasn’t meant to be.”

“You’re sure?”

“Well … give it a few weeks.”

“Okay.”

“Angel, I have to go, sorry.”

“Okay, thanks Felicia.”

“No problem.”

As soon as Angel hung up the phone, Felicia giggled to herself and dialed another number.

“Hello?”

“It’s Felicia.”

“Oh? News?”

“Plenty.” Felicia quickly retold the entire story.

“Perfect!” shouted Violet. “Phase three is in effect as of now. Before you know it, we’ll both have our revenge on Angelica. This was too easy.”

“It’s not over yet.”

“No. But the rest is a snap. We’ll just put the right people in the right places at the right times and let nature run its course. It’s like a giant chess game, really. Angel is the opponent’s king, Chris her loyal Queen, our little redhead the pawn. [what is Felicia? The rook?] And when the pawn takes the Queen the King is wide open for a checkmate. Well done, Felicia.”

NOTES:

1) Phase three is in effect? And a grotesquely overwrought chess metaphor? Egad. This villain talk is getting to be a bit much, even for me.

2) So Felicia also wants revenge on Angel. Because … uhm … of … that thing. That happened. Way back when. You know. That thing.

COMING UP NEXT …

Violet’s Evil Scheme hits the big time. Will Chris take the bait? Will Justina have to fill out any more surveys? Will we get any actual clue as to why Felicia exists? BONUS: outfit description! Join us next time for ...

Chapter 49: Check

Chapter 48 - Confession (Part I)

2009-08-04T10:12:00.005-04:00

Welcome back, folks. Boy howdy, is it hot out there today. At least where I live. When I try to take my dog for a walk, she gets to the end of the block and then stares at me as if to say "F this." Dude, I don't blame her. She's covered in a black fur coat. On the other hand, this situation does not stop her from suddenly getting a burst of energy and lunging like a maniac at neighborhood cats. Once she realizes that I will not allow her to pull an Alf and snack on kitties, however, she resumes panting and shooting me pathetic looks.

Allrighty then, where were we? Ah yes, Angel just had a conversation with Felicia, she of the cornsilk tressses, who advised Angel to have a trial separation from Chris. Then Felicia reported back to Violet, who cackled with evil glee. Today: Chris and Angel have it out. This chapter is rife with some unabashedlybad stables, such as tears, ellipses, and excessive descriptors. Bonus: italics. SUPER BONUS: dramatic use of a sock.

Enjoy!

Chapter 48 – Confession

Angel only had time to change and feed her pets [how has the ASPCA not seized them yet?] before Chris arrived. She shooed Flufflebunny upstairs and answered the doorbell. Her stomach could have turned skim milk into butter the way it was churning.

Angel opened the door. Chris Benoit stood there in blue jeans and an Edmonton Oilers jacket. His light brown hair shone in the cold moonlight. When he exhaled, tiny white puffs wafted away from him. He immediately looked up from his feet and locked eyes with Angel. She invited him in silently.

“I missed you, Chris.” She said, taking his coat and hanging it up.

“I missed you too, Sunshine.” He enveloped her in a hug, burying his chilled face in her fragranced hair. “I don’t know how I could have believed him,” he muttered to himself.

“What?” She asked, breaking their embrace.

“Angel …” he began “I …”

“Let’s sit down.” She ushered him to the couch. He stared at his shoes and drew in his breath.

“Angel. I … did something I shouldn’t have done.”

“So did I.” She admitted in a voice barely audible. “Please let me explain first.”

“No.”

“Yes, Chris. Please.”

He looked up at her and after a few long moments, agreed.

“It was just before you left for Japan. I should’ve told you as soon as it happened … but I didn’t and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” A choking sob escaped from her throat. “I was in my office and Dustin Rhodes …”

“My God, no.”

“I don’t know what happened or why, Chris, but we kissed each other. You have to believe that’s all it was, Chris. You have to. It was one kiss and that was it. We pulled away from each other and immediately began to …. Oh God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do any of this.” She broke off in tears.

“Oh, Angel.” Was all he could say. He stood and walked to the window. “Arn somehow found out about this and he told me. And I got so mad at myself for believing him.” Chris turned and faced Angelica. “But I should confess too.” She looked up at him with a perplexed glaze over her moist eyes. “When I found out about you, I … I … kissed someone else.”

“Who?”

“It’s not important.”

“Who?” she demanded.

“Violet Royce.” [does Angel even know who that is?] He moved back to the couch. “What’s wrong with us, Angel? I thought we were perfect.”

“I don’t know.” She enveloped her head in her arms and cried. Chris’ glance fell to the couch itself, for a piece of material was caught in the cushion. He yanked it out and inspected it. A deathly silence fell over the distraught couple. Angel lifted her head from her arms and realized what Chris was holding in his hands.

“Angel … has your brother visited in the last two weeks?” [huzzah! MBD!]

“No,” she squeaked.

“Now … unless you’ve started wearing men’s socks … I think I need an explanation. Whose sock is this?” His voice was firm and grave. [I thought this was extremely serious when I wrote this, but now I can’t stop laughing at the word “sock.”]

She didn’t say a word. Tears flowed down her face in streams.

“Tell me or I’m out that door and I swear you’ll never see me again.”

“It’s Dustin’s.”

“And … what … What is it doing here? No … please don’t tell me, Angel. Please, please, please.” His strong voice weakened until it faded into a whisper.

“Chris, listen to me. Barry Windham crashed his bachelor party – he needed a friend and I let him stay on the couch. I swear to you that nothing happened.”

“I don’t believe this, Angel!”

He threw the sock on the floor and stood up. “First, you neglect to tell me that you cheated on me with that peroxide blonde cowboy and then you invite him to spend the night while I’m halfway around the world?” What is wrong with you? Or … is it me, Angel? Am I not giving you what you need? Maybe you’re better off without me? Maybe I should just leave now and not look back. I sthat what you want? For God’s sakes, say something.” [holy overuse of italics, Batman]

“Don’t leave me, Chris,” she pleaded. “You have to believe me.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s nothing left for us if you don’t. Chris … nothing happened between Dustin and I that night. [except the usual emphatic hugging]. We had one kiss once … that was it.”

He swallowed hard and walked to the window again.

TO BE CONTINUED …

NOTES:

1) Did Dustin just go home with one sock? Didn't he notice that one of his feet was rather uncomfortable in his shoe? Unless ... he left it there on purpose as a love token. Gross?

2) Dang, there were a lot of tears in this chapter. I mean, even for me.

Woah, nelly. Alright folks, we're going to leave those two crazy kids in this tension-filled moment for now.

Coming up next ...

Changel continue to yammer, cry, and stare at each other. Then Angel makes a phone call that she will probably regret. Bring it!

Chapter 47 - Friendly Advice

2009-07-28T14:23:00.006-04:00

Welcome back, compadres. Glad you're here. Before we get to today's chapter, I'd just like to recommend a book: Chris Jericho's autobiography. It was fantastic. For serious. I laughed out loud so much that Slice thought I was exaggerating, but then I read parts aloud to him and he cracked up too. It was funny, exciting, compelling, and inspirational. I mean every one of those words sincerely. Plus, getting a "behind the scenes" scoop makes this stuff I wrote even more ludicrous. Especially the dressing rooms.

Anyhoo ... what's on the docket for today? Ah yes, Chapter 47, in which Angel has a conversation with a fifth-tier character that you assume will be important one day down the line, but I'm just warning you now: don't be so hasty with your assumptions. Enjoy!

Chapter 47 – Friendly Advice

Angel’s office seemed gloomy and quiet. She flicked on the lights, cheering the place up a bit. She looked at her watch nervously. She only [sic] an hour to set up before she would meet Chris at her house. [hold the phone. What is she setting up? Her nurse’s station? Why would she set up and then leave?]

“Hi, Angelica. Can I help?” Asked Felicia, walking through the door.

“Oh, Felicia! Thanks. Could you get the gauze from the storage room?” [is Angel still too traumatized by Marcus and Missy to get it herself?]

“No problem.”

Felicia let the room and walked not to the storage room, but to a little office near the entrance. She knocked twice.

“Who is it?”

“Felicia.”

Violet opened the door and ushered Felicia in.

“Well?”

“She’s in there alone. I’m going ahead with the plan.”

“Remember, she must trust you explicitly.” [what does that mean?]

Felicia put a wisp of fine cornsilk hair behind her ear. “I understand.”

Nurse Baigen reentered Angel’s office with the gauze and wordlessly put it into the grey-green medicine cabinet.

“Thanks,”Angel said. She removed the antibacterial disinfectant spray and cleaned the countertops. [do we really need this level of detail?] She didn’t think she was showing an outward display of any emotion, so it greatly surprised her when Felicia asked her if anything was wrong.

“No. No. why do you ask?”

“You look kinda down.”

“I do?”

“Yes. Very much so. What’s wrong?”

“With me? Absolutely nothing.”

“Ok. Sorry. But if you want to talk …”

“Thanks.”

They continued setting up in silence. A thought popped into Angel’s head. Maybe Felicia had a good idea as to how to break things to Chris. [huh?] She was certainly drawing a blank.

“Actually …”

“Yeah?”

“I could use some advice.”

“Go ahead.”

“Well … you know how I’ve been going out with Chris Benoit?”

“Yeah.”

“I love him with all my heart, but about a month ago, I kissed another guy.”

Felicia, who knew all this already, let her eyes widen in surprise. “No.”

“Yes. I don’t’ know how to break it to him. He said he needed to speak with me badly. I think he found out from someone.”

“Either that or he’s got a secret of his own.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe he was in a similar situation.”

“You think so?”

“If you were tempted by someone else, it’s possible.”

“I hadn’t thought about it. What should I say if that’s true?”

“Hmm …” Felicia’s pale forehead wrinkled in thought. “Well, if that is the case … maybe what you two need is a little more time away from each other.”

“What?”

“A test! To see if you really were made for each other!” Her light blue eyes sparkled.

“I don’t understand.” [is this concept that difficult to comprehend? It may not be the best idea ever, but it is clearly and logically worded. It’s not like Felicia just told Angel to spin plates in a panda kayak.]

“Like a trial period … say, three weeks at least. If you can stay faithful for that long, you can get through anything. It worked for me and my boyfriend.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Give it a shot.”

“I don’t know...”

The phone rang, interrupting Angel. As soon as she was about to pick it up, it stopped.

“How odd.”

Felicia agreed, but recognized Violet’s signal. [The signal for what?] She glanced at her watch and gasped. “I’m late for my meeting with Ole! I’m sorry, Angel!”

“It’s alright. Thank you, Felicia.”

“No problem. [twice in one chapter? Is she channeling Alf?] Take my advice.”

“Maybe I will.”

Felicia Baigen rushed through the door, leaving Angelica to turn the idea over in her head. Violet was waiting impatiently in her office.

“Well?”

“It went very well.”

Violet smiled in an evil way. “Good. Now we begin phase two. You know what to do?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect.” This was too sweet!

NOTES

1) Let’s break down Violet’s Evil Scheme thus far, shall we? STEP ONE: pose as a secretary, constantly bump into Chris with top buttons of shirt undone. STEP TWO: try to seduce Chris after colluding with Arn. STEP THREE: Call Chris’s ex-girlfriend and survey her about her dating habits. STEP FOUR: Send Felicia in to tell Angel that she and Chris should have a trial separation. At some point during this scheme, she acquired an office and an evil laugh. And a comic book villain’s vocabulary. “Phase two”???

2) And what was with "the signal"? Violet didn't seem to have any ostensible reason to hail Felicia back into her office. And how did she know Felicia was done giving Evil Advice to Angel?

3) I know I’ve mentioned this before, but why do they need two nurses? Angel really never seems all that busy, unless you count locating gauze or being cried upon.

4) We all know why Violet/Marie/Sunny/Nightshade/Gillian hates Angel, but what is Felicia’s problem with her? Unless she just really enjoys being Vi’s minion. What’s that you say? You assume I’ll explain in future chapters? Well … you just go ahead and hold fast to that assumption.

COMING UP NEXT …

Here it comes, folks: a cavalcade of Changel drama. Boy howdy, it’s dramatic. I don’t want to give too much away, so all I’ll say is that yes, there will be crying. And a sock.

Tune in next week for …

Chapter 48 – Confession (Part I)

Chapter 46 - Scheming

2009-07-20T22:09:00.003-04:00

Y’all, I’ve been watching a lot of wrestling lately. It’s awesome. I really missed this stuff. I took a little hiatus after college because it was getting super crappy for a while. I'd pick it up here and there, but hadn't really watched with any sort of consistency until now. Slice was insanely busy at his job a few months ago, which meant lots of awesome TV-watching for me, so I got totally hooked again. I'm such a mark. And next Monday, Shaq is hosting RAW. SHAQ. I love Shaq. I don't even like basketball. But I like this commercial a lot.

Allllright. Where were we? Ah yes. Violet colluded with Arn to inform Chris of Asstin's treachery. Violet then capitalized on Chris's vulnerability by tasting his eardrum. Unfortunately for her, he came to his senses and threw her out of his room. This week: Violet turns to Plan B while drinking an outdated 90's beverage.

Chapter 46 – Scheming

Violet hurled the hotel Bible across the room [see? Eeeeevil.] Stupid blonde bitch [GASP! EEEVIL!] She’s got her boyfriend wrapped around her sweet little finger. Well, that’s alright. Angel might be pretty, but Violet thought she lacked sorely in the brains department. She knew what had to be done. Her trump card had to be played – soon.

Violet picked up the phone and dialed the number she had looked up weeks ago.

“Hello?” A young female voice said.

“Yes, Hello. This is Gillian Carter from Self Magazine. I’m conducting a survey of 18 to 30 year old females and the men they’re interested in. Do you have time for our survey?”

“Well … sure.”

“Great. Could I please have your first name – for reference.”

“Justina.”

“Hi, Justina. Are you currently involved with a member of the opposite sex?”

“Yes, I am.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how serious would you say your relationship is right now?”

“Oh gosh, we just met, really. I’d say about … six and a half.” [6.5? Even though you just met? Well, I suppose that’s an improvement over Angel and Marcus, who went from making googly eyes at each other to being in love in like, fifteen minutes.]

“Is he older or younger than you?”

“He’s a few years older.”

“Would you describe him as a blue-collar or white-collar worker?”

“Ohh … that’s tough. I’m not sure.”

“Well, if you don’t mind answering, what does he do for a living?”

Justina giggled. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me.”

“He’s a professional wrestler. Of all things!”

Violet’s mouth hung open. She recovered quickly. “Oh really? I’m quite a fan of professional wrestling myself. Strictly off the record, of course, anyone I’d know?”

“Well, maybe. Ever hear of the Steiner brothers?”

Violet was struck into silence.

“Ms. Carter?”

“Oh … uh, yes. Yes. I’ve heard of them. I was just stunned. You see, they are my absolute favorite wrestlers on earth! So tell me … which one?”

“Scotty. He’s such a doll.”

Violet cleared her throat. “Well, thank you, Justina, for your time.”

“Oh, sure, no problem.”

They said their good-byes. Violet poured herself a [wait for it! wait for it!] Cappio. They always helped her to think. A plot was being born in her head.

She snickered and took a long sip. Hurt Scott and Angel at the same time. Oh, this would be fun. Maybe then she could have Chris to herself. She actually sort of liked him. Loyal, kind, and adorable. Violets’ snickers [mmm, snickers] turned into gales of laughter. This was too sweet.

NOTES:

1) Well, no one guessed Cappio. Hey, I told you it was a toughie! I'm just glad that there was a youtube clip to prove that I didn't make it up. Never fear, I'll have another contest soon. I've got a burning desire to share my VHS collection with others.

2) Let's review Violet's Evil Scheme as presented in this chapter: she calls Justina and asks her random questions. And ... that's it. What kinds of questions were those? Blue collar or white collar? It's not like Vi knew she was dating Scott Steiner. Let's say hypothetically that instead of dating Scott, Justina was dating a claims adjustor named Todd. How would that information have helped Violet in the slightest? What's that you're saying? Plot contrivance? Oh, yes, that explains everything.

3) Gillian Carter ... yes, that's an X-Files reference. I was an equal-opportunity nerd.

COMING UP NEXT ...

Angel has a stupid conversation with a character I'll be you've already forgotten about and will promptly forget again after the chapter is over. If that doesn't sound exciting, I don't know what does!! Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 47 - Friendly Advice

Chapter 45: No Secrets (Part II)

2009-07-14T22:07:00.006-04:00

Quick Note: If you would like to receive an email reminder when this blog is updated and/or don't like RSS feeds, just drop me a line at unabashedlybad at gmail dot com and I'll be happy to keep you in the loop!

Moving right along ...

Welcome, friends and readers. Why not both? Why not "freaders?" I know why not. Because I already overuse the portmanteau to an alarming degree. I flove the portmanteau. It's frawesome. It's portmantastic.

Aaaaanyhoo. Where were we? Ah yes. When we last left our sorry bunch, Chris was sitting in his hotel room, crying (of course). Back in Japan, Arn Anderson had
played a tape of Angel confessing to Bobby that she had kissed Dustin in Topeka. This week: Violet's Evil Scheme continues! Whee!

Chapter 45: No Secrets (Part II)

After brooding for hours on the long plane trip back to the States, Chris checked into the company hotel in Georgia. [so now the company has a hotel? Like a WCW Super 8? Well … at least it’s not a dressing room.] Violet Royce, having met with Arn, knocked on Chris’ door.

“Chris … do you have the … what’s wrong?” she asked, after taking a look at Chris’ face.

“Nothing. Violet, what can I do for you?”

She moved closer to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s not important anymore. What’s important is you. What’s wrong?”

“Look, Violet … you’re a sweet girl …” He stopped mid-sentence, transfixed by her clear green eyes, so close to his now.

“I can help you forget about whoever hurt you.”

“No …” He came out of his daze momentarily.

“Yes, Chris.” She pulled him towards her.

“I …” Chris began, but his words were cut off as Violet locked her lips to his. They moved over to the bed and fell back on it, still kissing passionately. [dang. That was quick]

“Chris, you need me.” Violet whispered into his ear as he kissed her neck. The she stuck her tongue directly into it. [wtf?]

My God, thought Chris, Angel never does that! [with good reason, no? Am I missing something?] Angel … What am I doing?

Chris jerked his head away from Violet. “Violet, I can’t do this.”

“Yes you can.”

“No.” He got up and grabbed Violet by the shoulders. “Sorry.” He opened the door and shoved Violet out of it.

And now Chris was sitting in a Holiday Inn in St. Paul [is it a WCW brand Holiday Inn?] sobbing and wishing he could turn back time. The phone rang. Chris wiped his eyes and answered it.

“Yeah.”

“Chris?”

“Angelica?”

“Hi. You OK? You sound kinda out of it.”

“No. I’m fine. I just … Angel, I need to talk to you. Badly.”

“About what?”

“No. Not on the phone.” [never a good sign]

“Chris?”

“Please, Angel. Tomorrow at your house, Ok?”

“Yeah, sure. I … uh … I’ll see you then. You sure you’re ok?”

“No. Yeah. I don’t know. But Angel, I’ve gotta go.”

“Allright. I love you.”

He sighed. “I love you too.” Chris hung up before Angel could say anything else. How could he explain to her everything that happened? How could he tell her that he had suspected of her cheating on him with an almost-married man because a man no one should trust had told him so? [well, technically, he had a sketchy audio tape] He didn’t know.

NOTES:

1) The tongue in the ear? Yeah, I don't know. My best explanation is that when I wrote this, I was a rather awkward 14-year-old girl with GIGANTIC glasses, an extremely unflattering haircut, and a strong aversion to pants with zippers and music made before 1968 who watched waaaaaay too much professional wrestling. Yeah, it was a while before I experienced anything resembling a romantic physical interaction. And judging from what I apparantly assumed transpired when one "made out" with a guy, this was probably best for everyone.

2) Oh Chris, you faithless cad. Angel is going to be crushed. She might have kissed Dustin, but you let Violet give you an ear job. [I really wanted to make a pun out of the phrase "aural sex," but I have too much dignity for that.]

3) So Violet/Marie/Nightshade/Sunny is in cahoots with Arn? When did that happen? What a world. Too bad V/M/N/S didn't get to seal the deal. Now I know what you're thinking: (aside from shuddering at the taste of earwax) An evil vixen like Violet can't possibly be satisfied. Don't worry folks, there's more Evil Scheme on the horizon.

COMING UP NEXT:

Violet's Evil Scheme gets even more convoluted. I don't want to give too much away... but it involves her posing as a Self magazine phone survey lady. BONUS: I mention ANOTHER outdated beverage from the early '90's.

BUT WHICH BEVERAGE?

Allright, folks. Let's try something new here. I'm officially holding UnabashedlyBad's first ever CONTEST. (It might also be the last, so enjoy it while you can.)

This one's a toughie. Can you guess which outdated beverage from the early '90's Violet will be drinking in the next chapter? Hint: it is NOT Crystal Pepsi.

If you've got a guess, post it in the comments section. The winner will receive a totally awesome wrestling-related VHS tape from my own personal collection.

And if there is no winner/no guesses, well then, I'll just have to think up a new contest one of these days.

That's it for now! See you next week!

Chapter 45 - No Secrets (Part I)

2009-07-07T15:50:00.007-04:00

Welcome back to UnabashedlyBad.com, your only internet source for crap of this caliber.

Last week: Angel tried to be a wallflower so she could mope about how she hasn't talked to her big brother in years for no reason wahtsoever. Despite her most valiant efforts, her intense personal charm thrust her into the middle of the festivities.

Today: Arn starts rockin' the Changel boat. Ruh-roh!!!

Chapter 45 – No Secrets (Part I)

Chris sat in his Saint Paul Holiday Inn room, letting tears that he had been holding back for days fall from his eyes [huzzah!].

It had been Arn Anderson who had given him this awful news. Now of course Chris knew Arn shouldn’t be trusted, but still …

Chris was trying on his latest ring jacket in front of the full length mirror in his Tokyo Egg Dome dressing room. There was a knock at the door. [After all that progress I’ve made in un-misimagining dressing rooms … sigh]

“It’s open!”

Arn Anderson walked in reading papers on a clipboard. [what is he, a camp counselor?]

“Well, well, well. We’re dressing-roommates.”

“Whoopee,” Chris said sourly.

“Benoit, you’ll change your mind once you hear what I’ve got to say.”

“You expect me to listen to you after nearly destroying my best friend’s marriage?” Chris whirled and looked at him, then shook his head and rummaged around in a duffel bag.

“This doesn’t concern Eaton.”

“Do you ever refer to anyone by their first name, Arnie?”

Arn ignored his question. “It concerns you an Angelica.”

Chris’s head jerked up. He moved over to Arn.

“What’ve you done to Angel?”

“Relax. It’s not what I’ve done to her, it’s what she’s doing to you … and other guys.”

“I don’t’ know what you’re talking about – and I don’t care. “

“Oh, but you should.”

“Arnie, I’m a busy guy.”

“And she’s a busy woman.”

“If I listen to you, will you leave me alone?”

Satisfied, Arn plopped down in a folding chair. “How can I put this gently …”

“Say your piece and leave,” Chris said firmly, sitting opposite Arn on a folding chair.

“Well, it seems your sweet little Angle isn’t as perfect as you had once thought. Seems that she wasn’t so faithful.”

“What are you saying?” [is it that confusing, Chris?]

“Just before you left for Japan, she became very intimately involved with Dustin Rhodes.”

“Arn, even if I believed you, which I don’t – you have no proof.”

“Oh I don’t? Then explain this.”

The tape Arn had played for Chris was muffled and garbled at parts, but he could clearly understand the voices of Bobby Eaton and Angel.

“… Between you and me …”

“Sure.”

“Yesterday … Dustin Rhodes … we were kissing each other.”

“ … Tell Chris?”

“… No …”

The rest of the tape was fuzzy.

Arn patted Chris on the head and left – with the tape – chuckling to himself.

Chris’ mouth hung open. His Angel? He had never felt so empty. But things were bound to get worse. And they did very soon.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

NOTES:

1) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Arn, you're such a card. Also, not that I'm not grateful, but why the heck did you put a tape recorder in Angel's office? I think it might rhyme with "flot fontrivance."

2) Why is Chris always either in various states of wrestling gear undress or rummaging around in a duffel bag? I'm going to start a new tag to keep track of this. I'll call it: duffel bagging/state of undress.

COMING UP NEXT ...

Chris begins to deal with the fallout whilst Violet's Evil Plan plods on. BONUS: super gross make-out scene. You won't want to miss ...

Chapter 45 - No Secrets (Part II)

Chapter 44 - The Wedding Party

2009-06-30T09:38:00.004-04:00

When we last left our merry band of losers, Dullexandra tied the knot and no one objected. This week: characters interact. That's about it. Sorry. On the plus side, we do get to see some more of Rick's trademark Goofball Antics. Wait, that's not a plus side. Well ... here's a plus side: no Clippy. Take what you can get, folks.

Chapter 44 – The Wedding Party

Sting hopped into Angel’s car. She pulled out of the parking lot.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“No problem.”

“Nice wedding, huh?”

“Yeah. It was beautiful.”

“Hey, Angel, did Dustin tell you what happened at the bachelor party?”

“With Barry? Yeah.”

“Where’d he end up? Did he just drive around all night?”

“No … he slept over at my house.”

Sting stared at her.

“Nothing happened, if you’re wondering. He slept on my couch. He needed a friend, and that’s what I was,” she said, annoyed.

Angel found a space in the rented hotel’s lot [they rented out the entire hotel? Dang!] and both she and Sting entered the party. The place was humming with activity, but Angel didn’t want to be a part of it. Odd feelings swept over her. It felt wrong for her to be here. She missed Chris and Bobby, but most of all, she missed her big brother Danny. She hadn’t spoken to him in over two years. [That’s what she feels bad about? That? With all of the other crap going on? Danny?]

Angel greeted everyone cordially, then found a table in the corner by herself. Why hadn’t she kept in touch with Danny? Well, she knew her big brother was never one to remember to call anyone. He was always busy with one project or another. Angel being a full time nurse and Danny being a struggling actor didn’t leave much time for communication. But still, two years? What was he doing now? Was he married? Did he have kids? That settled it. Angel would call him as soon as she could. [sure she will. Either that or we’ll never hear about him again.]

“Ang? You OK?”

Angel looked up. Scott was standing there.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Thank you. Have a seat.”

“Thanks.” Scott said, sitting next to Angel. [important detail there]

“How have you been, Scotty?”

“I’ve been alright. I, uh, met a woman,” he grinned.

“Yeah, what’s her name?”

“Justina.” [dunt dunt DUNNNNNNNNNNN!]

“What’s she like?”

“She’s about 27 or so, with curly copper hair, and these incredible blue eyes. They’re so beautiful.” [who gives out that kind of information upon being asked that question? Is the age significant unless it’s like, 17 or 87? Now that would make for an interesting story.]

“Sounds terrific! Where’d you meet her?”

“At this dance thing my brother dragged me to.” [a dance? A DANCE? Oh, I give up.] He looked away, into the crowd of people. “Wonder where he is.”

Angelica stood to help him search. She felt 2 hands cover her eyes.

“Guess who?”

“OJ Simpson?”

“Nope.”

“Homer Simpson?”

“D’oh! Nope – one more try.”

“Uhmm … Rick?”

“Give the woman a beer! Or at least a Zima or something.” [Yes. I wrote that. Wowlions.]

“Hey Rick.” She hugged him.

“Hey Angie.”

“Nice bowtie,” she said, taking in Rick’s neon pink neckwear.

“Thank you. Nice toenail polish.”

Angel looked down at her feet.

“Gotcha!” Rick cried in glee. [Oh, what a hilarious throwback to Sting’s party. Rick, you are a card.]

“Hi guys,” Greeted Sting, joining the group. “And gal.”

“Hey Sting.”

Much to Angel’s dismay, she had become thrust straight into the middle of the party.

“What’re we doing all alone here in the corner? Let’s mingle!” With a happy shriek, Sting moved into other swells of people. The party lasted until the wee hours of the morning, and Angel had a better time than she had expected [well thank goodness].

After the festivities were over, Angel packed her bags for Tupelo and Chris’ plane landed in St. Paul, Minnesota.

NOTES:

1) Wow, y'all, remember Zima? Those commercials were always on in the early 90's. "Zomething different!" Oh, the 90's. I wore so much flannel.

2) So Danny is a struggling actor in LA? And so busy with "projects" that he can't remember to call his only sister, who also apparantly can't remember to call him, despite the fact that both of their parents died in a horrific car accident years ago? Okaaaaaaaaaaay.

3) I think I can promise that this the only chapter that mentions OJ Simpson.

Coming up next … Chris + Arn + tape recorder = crying. You won’t want to miss this one. Join us next week for …

Chapter 45 – No Secrets, Part I

Chapter 43: The Big Day

2009-06-23T09:47:00.002-04:00

Salutations, friends. In last week’s thrilling chapter, Alex misplaced her French Maid costume and Barry made out with her until Dustin woke up from his nightmare in a convulsive fit of sobs. Then tissues spontaneously generated in Angel’s living room and he went back to sleep. Today: wedding! Bring it.

Chapter 43 – The Big Day

Angel sat next to Sting in the second pew at St. Joseph’s Church.

“Angel! You look fantastic!” he whispered, taking in Angel’s light blue dress. [did she buy it as part of a matching set with her couch?]

“Thanks! I hardly recognized you in that tux! Pretty spiffy!” she whispered back. [I do hope he’s wearing his facepaint as part of the ensemble.]

Rick and Scott Steiner found Angel and Sting and sat in the row behind them.

“Hey, Angie! Hey Stinger!”

The church was quieted and the organ sounded. Alexandra York, arm in arm with her father, entered. Her dress was exquisite. Pure white with a laced neck and sleeves. A long veil and train trailed behind her. She carried a bouquet of lilacs and baby’s breath that matched her bridesmaids’ gowns perfectly [why, why, why is this the only description of their dresses?]. Her dark-tan skin was glowing, and she was smiling from ear to ear as she approached Dustin. She stepped up to the alter [sic. But when you think about it, it works as a verb too] and turned to face her husband-to-be.

The minister cleared his throat and began.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of this man and woman in holy matrimony. Do you, Alexandra Denise York, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, for rich or for poor, to death do you part?”

“I do.”

“And do you, Dustin Matthew Rhodes, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for rich and for poor, to death do you part?”

“I do.”

“Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Dustin didn’t need to be told twice. He kissed her as he had never kissed her before. The church burst into applause. Rick Steiner whistled loudly. Scott elbowed him. Angel giggled.

“You think this is bad—at our sister Crystal’s wedding, he kept asking where to buy peanuts,” Scott said.

Everyone stood as the happy couple made their exit.

NOTES:

1) Alex’s dress: Pure white with a laced neck and sleeves. H A W T. I have an excellent picture of this in my head, but so far I haven’t found anything via google images to match it. Do let me know if any of y’all have any luck.

2) That was the shortest wedding ceremony ever. Not a bad thing. But man, why not the “speak now or forever hold your peace”? Considering the fact that at the time of writing this, the only weddings I’d ever seen were on soap operas, you would think that the Dullexandra nuptials would have been a crazy drama-infested throwdown. Alas. On a related note, has anyone ever been to an actual wedding where they say that “speak now” bit? Slice and I thought it would have been funny if the judge at our wedding said it and then stared at the crowd for a full three minutes.

3) I do not understand why I was completely incapable of writing comedy. But as evidenced by any of Rick’s “goofball antics,” I most assuredly was.

COMING UP NEXT

I didn’t know the word for “reception,” so I called it “The Wedding Party.” This chapter includes: a reference to Mysterious Brother Danny, some trademark Rick goofball antics, and a couple dozen more reasons to loathe Angel. See you next time in …

Chapter 44 – The Wedding Party

Chapter 42: Cry in the Night

2009-06-16T16:43:00.004-04:00

Last week, Dustin showed up at Angel's house, cried on her, and slept on her sofa. But you know what? He really didn't cry enough. You could barely even call it "egregious." What do you say we make up for it today in ...

Chapter 42: Cry in the Night

Dustin stepped into his bedroom. Alex was sitting up waiting for him.

“Dustin! What’re you doing here?”

“What?”

“Don’t bother explaining. Barry told me it all.” She said nonchalantly.

“You … you … you were talking to Barry?”

“Well, yeah. I’m just surprised you didn’t find out sooner.”

“Find out what?”

“That I’m sleeping with him.”

“A … Ah … Alex. [ellipses between letters = awesome] You … you and he didn’t. He was lying.”

“Oh, come off it, Dustin.” She yawned. “Barry!” she called, “Come here!”

Barry Windham appeared from the bathroom.

“Hey, Dustin,” he greeted, as if nothing had ever happened between them. Barry climbed into bed with Alexandra.

“What kind of a joke is this? Alex, you’re gonna marry me!”

Alexandra York laughed. “I never said I’d marry you! Did you hear that, Barry?”

Barry was too consumed with laughter to reply.

“Now, Dustin, if you’ll excuse us, we have fantasies to act out! Barry, where’d you put my French Maid outfit?” She searched in the closet.

“Alex …” Dustin pleaded. Tears rolled down his cheeks. “I love you.”

Alexander came out of her closet and approached Dustin. “I know you do. But I don’t love you. I never did. You have to stop blocking out the past. I chose Barry, not you. I’m going to marry him.”

“No. No you didn’t. You’ve got it all wrong, Alex.”

“Dustin, stop it!” She was irritated now. Barry stood next to her.

“C’mon Alex,” said Barry. “Let’s pretend he’s gone, and maybe he’ll take the hint.” Barry wrapped his lips around hers and she melted into his arms.

“No! No! No!” Dustin yelled. “No!” He broke off and began to sob, chest convulsing. [convulsing? That’s something, even for Dustin.]

Angel ran down the stairs as soon as she heard Dustin’s shouts. [Angel? What’s she doing in Dustin’s bedroom … wait a minute … don’t tell me that was all a dream? Awww shucks.]

“Dustin? Oh my god, are you allright?” she stopped when she saw that he was in bed, safe. She rushed over to him and shook him gently. Dustin stopped thrashing around, but couldn’t stop crying [of course].

“Dustin, honey, it’s only a nightmare, wake up.” She shook him harder and he awoke with a start. “Dustin, it was a nightmare, calm down.” She grasped his shoulders.

“Oh, Angel. Thank god.” He blurted out, panting. He wiped at his eyes. Angel handed him a [wait for it … wait for it …] box of tissues. [HUZZAH!]

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Dustin shook his head.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll be Okay.”

“You had me scared half to death.”

“Did I scream or something?”

“Yeah. You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah. Go back to sleep, I’m fine.”

“Okay. Sweet dreams, Dustin.” She kissed his forehead.

NOTES:

1) I would say: “wait, how was that a chapter? All that happened was Dustin had a nightmare, cried, and got handed tissues.” But Barry was in it, Dustin got shot down, and Alex had lines. I’ll take it.

2) Dustin, why are you such a wuss in your own dream? Crying while conscious is not enough for you, is it? You have to turn into a puddle of tears while you’re sleeping too?

3) Barry’s strategy for getting Dustin out of the room was awesome. Let’s make out and he’ll leave. Solid plan, my friend.

COMING UP NEXT:

Will Dustin tell Alex about Barry’s outburst or Angel’s couch? Who will Angel share her buffet plate with? Will someone speak now, or will peace forever be held? Find out next week in …

Chapter 43: The Big Day

missing chapter?

2009-06-10T14:56:00.003-04:00

Hiya folks.

It has come to my attention that a key early chapter has been missing from the blog for some time. Unconscionable! In case you missed it, here's a link: Chapter 14

Chapter 41: Dustin's Bachelor Party (Part II)

2009-06-09T11:13:00.002-04:00

Last week: Dustin was having the best party ever! Until Barry crashed it and revealed that he and Alex had done the nas-tay in Dustin's bed. On noes! So Dustin punched Barry out and drove to ... you guessed it ... Chateau Angel. This week: bleeding and crying. And away we go!

Chapter 41: Dustin's Bachelor Party (Part II)

It was the middle of the night. Angel had been fast asleep, her hair neatly pinned up, her chin neatly tucked under the covers [oh gross. Angel, can’t you even sleep without being irritating?]. She heard a loud rapping at the door [please be DMX].

“Angel!” That was Dustin’s voice. She flicked on the lights and squinted at their brightness.

“Dustin?” She threw back the bolt and opened the door. Stifling a yawn, she asked, “What’s going on?” she led him inside, then re-locked the door. “What happened to your hand?” She unwrapped the towel, now soaked with blood. She held his hand under the cold tap for a few minutes. He still hadn’t responded to any of her questions.

“Dustin, what is it? What happened? Here … sit down.” She led him to the couch. He sat down, but still kept silent.

“Angel, can I stay here tonight?”

Angel was speechless. “I … sure, Dustin. The couch opens up.” She made a quick icepack for his hand and held it against his badly swollen knuckles. “Were you in a fight or something?”

“Not really.”

“What’s going on? Is it Alex? Did you have an argument with her?” [uhm … is Angel accusing him of punching Alex so hard that his hand is swollen and bleeding? If so, why is she not more alarmed?]

“No.”

Angel looked at him in frustration, but couldn’t figure out anything by his expression. “Let me see your hand again.” He did and she re-inspected it.

“Who’d you punch, Dustin?”

“How’d you …”

“When you’ve been treating wrestling injuries as long as I have, you learn to be able to know these things.” [his knuckles are bruised and bleeding and he seems emotionally distressed. what the heck else could have happened? Did he think she would assume that he accidentally shut his hand in a car door and was so emotionally traumatized by the event that he had to rush to her house in the middle of the night to brood?]

“Is it broken?”

“I wont’ know until the swelling goes down a little. Do you want me to take you to get some X-rays?”

“No thanks.”

“Dustin …”

“I guess I owe you an explanation.”

Angel didn’t respond.

“Well … tonight was my bachelor party. It was goin’ great. Then …” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Barry crashed it.”

“Oh, Dustin!” Angel gasped.

“He said that … that Alex … that my … that Alex …” He couldn’t make the words come out.”

“Shh … calm down, calm down. Take it easy.” Angel rubbed his shoulder to try to soothe him.

“Barry said that Alexandra s-s-slept with him last night in my bed.” His chest hitched as he fought back a sob. [don’t fight it, Dustin. It’s been a long time since we’ve had some egregiousness up in here]

“Hey,” Angel’s voice was whisper-soft, calming and reassuring. “Why do you believe that scum anyway?”

Dustin shrugged, unable to speak.

“You trust Alex, don’t you?”

Dustin nodded.

“Well why worry? Barry just made that up to upset you because he’s jealous.”

“You think so?” [wait … that thought never crossed Dustin’s mind?]

“I know so. Doesn’t Alex hate him?”

“Well … yeah.”

“You see?”

“I guess I jumped to conclusions.”

“No you didn’t. You just still trust Barry.”

“I suppose I do, which is pretty stupid, considering everything.”

“Was he out cold?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Alex still thinks I’m with the guys and will be partying til dawn.”

“You gonna tell her?”

“Should I?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” [sure, why start being honest now?]

“Me too. After the honeymoon maybe.”

Angel looked at Dustin’s hand again. “It’s not broken, but be careful with it.”

“I will.”

“You still gonna stay here tonight?”

“Can I?”

“Of course. My couch is your couch.”

“Thanks.”

Angel went to get an extra blanket and pillow for Dustin, then he helped her open up the sofabed. “Angel, I can’t thank you enough.”

“No problem. Really.” She yawned. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get up awfully early tomorrow.”

“Oh, sure.”

“Dustin … you gonna be allright?”

“Yeah. Thanks so much.”

“Goodnight, Dustin.”

“Goodnight, Angel.”

NOTES:

1) Oh, that Angel. Truly, she is the font of all wisdom. I know I mentioned it up there, but seriously, how did Dustin not even consider for a second that Barry was lying? What’s that, you say? Maybe it’s because he subconsciously wants Alex to cheat on him so that he has an easy way out of the marriage so that he can be with his twu wuv Angel? I assure you that 14-year-old me was not thinking that.

2) Where are Angel’s pets?

3) Why does Angel have to get up so early in the morning? Is there an event? If so, why doesn’t Dustin know anything about it?

4) I regret not including a description of Angel’s sleepwear. I think it probably involved pink flannel pajamas and a light blue bathrobe.

COMING UP NEXT …

One of my favorite chapters. I don’t want to give too much away, but it involves a French maid costume, panting, and a box of tissues. Guesses? Nope, not even close. Here’s another hint: it also involves convulsive sobbing. That’s more like it. See you next time for …

CHAPTER 42: Cry in the Night

Chapter 41: Dustin's Bachelor Party (Part I)

2009-06-02T22:48:00.001-04:00

Welcome, friends. In last week’s thrilling chapter, Violet intercepted mail, Felicia was a Wakefield twin, and we were reminded that Justina Foster exists. This week? FISTICUFFS! Bring it!

Chapter 41: Dustin’s Bachelor Party

Dustin smiled. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been with “all the guys.” Sting, Ricky Steamboat, the Steiners, Ron Simmons, Scorpio, Arn Anderson, and many others were there. The party was in full swing, and Dustin was having the time of his life.

Sting approached him. “Hey, Dustin. How’d things go with Angel?”

“We’re just fine.” [how about you and Alexan … oh, nevermind]

“That’s great.”

Scotty Steiner joined in on this conversation.

“Scotty! How’s it going?” greeted Dustin, giving his friend a pat on the back.

“Great. I feel wonderful not being tied to one woman.” [exactly the thing to say to the groom at a bachelor party]

“You and Marie broke up?”

“Yeah. It’s better this way. It really is.”

“What changed your mind?”

“You mean who changed my mind. It was Angel. She’s great. She convinced me to just let things happen. It’s a fantastic philosophy.” [someone alert Hegel. He’s got competition!]

There was more mixing and mingling, and the general mood of the party was incredibly happy. Everyone was having a terrific time. That is, until an unexpected guest showed up.

The door in Sting’s house banged open and all eyes turned to the disturbance. A tall, lanky figure appeared in the doorway. A glass shattered on the floor. There were a few gasps. [who is it? The Grim Reaper? Elijah the Prophet?] Dustin stepped toward the figure.

“Barry … what the hell are you doing here?” his voice was full of anger and shock.

Barry Windham laughed shortly. “She doesn’t want you, Dustin. She never did. So who’s your best man? I guess it’s not me, eh?” He found this hilarious. He recovered from his giggles quickly. “Oh, my friend, I feel so sorry for you. You think she’s so perfect, don’t you? Wouldn’t you find it interesting to know that yesterday she slept with me in your own bed!”

A deathly silence fell over the group. [what? It’s a room full of testosterone-fueled ‘roidheads. All they’re doing is staring?] Dustin pulled back his fist and punched Barry as hard as he could. [that’s more like it].

“You’re lying! You’re lying!” He shouted, he then proceeded to call Barry every curse he knew. Sting and Rick Steiner each grabbed an arm of Barry and dragged him outside. They threw him into the bed of his pick-up, then returned to the house.

Dustin’s hand was swollen and bleeding. He had a towel wrapped around it. He was silent, but seething.

He stood up.

“Sting, I appreciate you goin’ to all this trouble for me, but … uh … I need to be alone now.” He spoke slowly.

“I understand. You allright?”

Dustin shook his head no.

“You sure you don’t …”

“I’ll be fine. I need to think, talk to Alexandra. Don’t say anythin’ to her, OK?”

Sting nodded. After a chorus of good-byes, Dustin left. He intended to drive all night, then maybe call Alex, but he wasn’t all that surprised when he realized that he had driven to Angel’s house …..

TO BE CONTINUED

NOTES:

1) Of course he drove to Angel’s house. Wouldn’t you?

2) Yay Barry! I’ve missed that cantankerous fellow. Speaking of which, I wish I had given Arn some lines in this chapter.

3) Wait, he drove to Angel’s house? From Sting’s house? Doesn’t Sting live on the beach whereas Angel lives somewhere in Minnesota? How long was he driving? Or did Angel move again?

COMING UP NEXT …

Dustin rings Angel’s doorbell. She answers it. And then … there is … wait for it … wait for it … THAT’S RIGHT, egregious crying! It’s been far, far too long.

Tune in next week for …

Chapter 41: Dustin’s Bachelor Party (Part II)

Chapter 40: A New Nurse

2009-05-26T23:17:00.002-04:00

We’ve moved to yet another marble notebook (don’t worry, there’s plenty more), and in this one, I started making notes of when each chapter was written. This particular one was composed on September 14, 1994. That makes me 14. Still technically in middle school, because my junior high went up to 9th grade for some reason, but really, I probably should have known better from here on out. I didn’t. I just kept plugging away. And you, gentle readers, are the beneficiaries. Or something like that.

Moving right along …

Last week, Asstin decided that their friendship was the most powerful force in the universe. This week, Violet’s Evil Scheme starts rolling. Excited? I sure am …

Chapter 40: A New Nurse

Angel had never cared much about her two nurses, Katlin Ross and Leslie Canter [maybe that’s because I promptly forgot that they existed after mentioning them]. So when Leslie decided to quit, Angel’s only worry was who her replacement would be.

Felicia Baigen [name of a boss in Final Fantasy 2, thankyouverymuch] was her name. She was 24, a skilled nurse, and stunning. With her pale blue eyes and size six figure [is she from Sweet Valley?], she looked as if she just stepped off the cover of a magazine. Her chin-length hair was platinum blonde and shone like cornsilk.

She seemed like an okay person to Angel, who was relieved to be rid of that snob Leslie.

Too bad she didn’t realize that there were much better people to wish to be rid of in WCW. [FORESHADOWING!]

------

Violet Royce sat down in her hotel suite and reread the letter she had intercepted from Chris to Angel [intercepted? Was she hiding in a mailbox?] It wasn’t very interesting—mostly about his wrestling matches and how much he missed her, but there was one tidbit of information that could prove useful …

“… Hey, you remember that woman Justina Foster I was telling you about? (I know you’d rather not!) Well, Anyway, she used to work as a seamstress here for All-Japan before she moved back to the states. Cool, huh? (Okay, not to you) …….”
----

Violet couldn’t help but wonder – who was this Justina Foster? Someone Angel would dislike. An ex-girlfriend? Ex-wife? The possibilities were intriguing. Violet would have to find out more.

She very carefully re-glued the steamed-open envelope with the letter in it, but only after jotting down the information about Justina. This would be fun.

-----

Angel finished giving Felicia the grand tour of the nurse’s office in a typical building [huh?]. After meeting the wrestlers on hand (not many of Angel’s friends of course, what with Chris, Bobby, and Dustin all away) Felicia decided to help Angel finish setting up for the night’s matches.

After the long night of work was over, Angel returned home and wrote a letter to Chris. There was only four days left until Dustin’s wedding. She couldn’t wait.

NOTES:

1) Why do they need three nurses? It’s not a hospital. They don’t need to work shifts. There’s like, three hours of matches max. And pretty much all Angel ever does is put gauze on things and let people cry on her. Doesn’t sound too taxing.

2) Hey, Violet: thanks for not making us read that entire letter.

3) Justina Foster! And you thought that was just going to be a random name that I dropped and never picked up again. Well, it still might be. Only one way to find out, folks!

COMING UP NEXT ….

Dustin’s bachelor party! Will there be strippers? Beer? Bell peppers? A fist-fight? No, no, no, YES. That’s right, YES. SWEEEEEEEEET! Tune in next time for …

Chapter 41: Dustin’s Bachelor Party (Part 1)

Chapter 39: Dustin and Angel

2009-05-20T22:09:00.000-04:00

Sorry again for the delay in getting this chapter out. Now where were we? Ah yes. Just as Angel was about to admit her dirty little secret about lip-smacking with Dustin, Chris announced that he had to jet off to a plot contrivance … er … set of shows in Japan with Bret Hart. Angel reacted to this news by wondering who would be her date to Dustin’s wedding. So no confrontation between Chris and Angel, but how’s about we see what happens when Asstin meet again?

Chapter 39 – Dustin and Angel

It had been three days since Chris had left for Japan. Angel was glad that she had decided not to tell him about Dustin, lest she ruin his trip.

She hadn’t spoken to Dustin since their kiss, and she felt things still needed straightening out. So the next day, she knocked on the “face” dressing room.

“It’s open,” called Sting. [duh? Is the dressing room door ever locked? And has anyone ever knocked on it before?]

Angel entered the room. There were only a couple of guys in the room. Sting, Dustin, Ricky Steamboat, and … Arn Anderson. [WOOO!!]

Sting smiled and greeted Angel, as did Ricky. Before Angel could say hello back, Arn shouted “Well now, whose life have you come to ruin today, you cheap blonde bimbo?”

“Hey, Arn, you’re way out of line,” Dustin said sharply. [let the man speak, Dustin.]

“I’d get better friends if I were you. She’s nothing but a homewrecker,” and with that, he left.

“Where did all of that come from?” asked Ricky.

“He doesn’t like me.” [he can take a number]

“Evidently,” smiled Sting, then he excused himself, followed by Ricky.

“They cleared out fast,” Angel remarked to Dustin.

“They know,” his voice was quiet. “Have a seat.”

She sat next to him. “I told Bobby.”

“Sting thinks that we have something more than friendship.”

“So does Bobby.”

There was a long time of silence, until Angel broke it with a question. “What do you think?”

“I don’t want to agree.”

“But you do?”

“I do.”

“So do I.”

There was another period of silence.

“Dustin, we can push them to the farthest corner of our mind if we try.” [that sounds like a flawless plan, no?]

“I’m going to try it.”

“Me too.”

Another time of quiet.

“We’ll still be friends, won’t we?”

“Of course,” he said.

“It’ll be awkward.”

“We can get over it. We’ve been through too much to throw it away with one little kiss. Angel, I never would have gotten through this year without you.”

There was a rap on the door and Sting’s voice called out “3 minutes, Dustin!”

Angel stood up. “I’m glad everything is allright between us.” [yes. Of course that conversation has fixed everything.]

“Me too. This is my last day wrestling ‘till after my honeymoon.”

“That’s right.” She hugged him. “I’ll seeya at the wedding.” [don’t you think you guys should can it with the hugging?]

NOTES:

1) This had a lot of stupid stuff in it, but this line is the most ridiculous: "We’ve been through too much to throw it away with one little kiss.” – He is talking about him and Angel, not him and his fiancé. WTF?

2) You like how I conveyed awkward silence by writing stuff like “another time of quiet”? Slick!

3) I so wish I had let Arn stay around longer in this chapter. Don’t worry, friends. He’ll be back.

COMING UP NEXT …

We return to the unfurling of Violet’s Evil Plan and meet a brand new, mostly irrelevant character in …

Chapter 40: A New Nurse

sorry!

2009-05-20T08:00:00.000-04:00

I know I missed the usual Tuesday update. So sorry! I've been crazybusy this past few days. I promise that there will be an update tonight!

Chapter 38: Chris' News

2009-05-11T16:12:00.002-04:00

This has nothing to do with my blog, but have y'all seen any of the GI JOE trailers. Super suits? I'm wary. I read on wikipedia that it's an origin story, which leaves room for awesomeness, and that the dude playing Cobra Commander didn't try to copy the cartoon voice, which I suppose is a smart decision, but aww man, that would have been so badass. I have the 1987 cartoon movie on DVD. I do not see how any film is going to top it. Cobrilalallalallalallaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Moving right along ...

Chris has news! Angel has news! Only one of them gets to spill it in this chapter, opaquely titled ...

Chapter 38: Chris’ News

Angel stepped into the “heel” dressing room. There were only a few wrestlers in the room because it was early.

“Hey Angel,” greeted Michael “PS” Hayes. [If memory serves me correctly, the P.S. stood for “Purely Sexy.” I don’t think he was.] The Nasty Boys and Larry Zbyszko also shouted hellos.

“Hi guys. You seen Chris?”

“He said he was going to look for you,” said Jerry.

“You two kids make a real nice couple.” [someone should have told big A that before she smooched someone else, no?]

“Thanks, Brian.” Angel smiled at him and excused herself.

Out in the hall, Angel saw Chris. She called his name and he turned to her [a very important plot point]. He swept her into his arms and off the ground. “Sunshine! I got to talk to you!”

“I need to talk to you, too.”

“You first.”

“No, not here.”

“Everything OK?”

“I hope so.”

“What?”

“Nevermind. What do you want to talk about?”

“Angel, I got great news!” [why did Chris suddenly stop dropping the “have” from the “have got” constructions?]

“What is it?”

“Guess!” [brace yourself for lame “humor”]

“Umm … You cracked the JFK mystery?”

“Better.”

“You found out what was in olive loaf?”
“Better!”

“Elvis’ ghost visited you in a dream and told you where the lost Dutchman’s mine was?”

“Better – but not by much. Give up?”

“Sure.”

“I got signed for another two weeks with All-Japan!”

“Oh Chris!” exclaimed Angel. “That’s terrific.”

“I know! I’m so excited.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!?”

“Yes! I know it’s short notice, but we’ve been negotiating for months and these next two weeks are the only time when it’s possible for Bret Hart to join me.”

“Well … I’m happy for you anyway, Chris. I know how much you love it in Japan. It sure will be lonely here without you, though.”

“I’ll be home in no time, Angel-Face. It’s only two weeks.”

“Yeah, I know … but …” suddenly Angel broke off as a thought dawned on her. “Two weeks? Chris, what about Dustin’s wedding? You’re my date!”

Chris smacked himself on the forehead with his palm. “Oh geez! Angel, I’m sorry! I’ll cancel.” [for your girlfriend’s friend’s wedding? Priorities, pal.]

“No! Oh, Chris, don’t. This is so important to you. You barely know Dustin.”

“Angelica, you can’t go alone.”

“Why not?”

Chris’ face scrunched up, as if in deep thought.

“Well … who’ll you share your buffet plate with?” [Actually, the beauty of a wedding buffet is that you don’t have to share your food with your date. So even if you’re married to a chronic Plate Infringer, you actually get to eat an entire adult portion of dinner. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience. Anyway, Chris, you should probably worry about Angel sharing something besides her buffet plate].

Angel chuckled. “Go and be happy, Chris. I’ll survive.”

“Sure?”

“Positive.”

“Angel, you are the most wonderful woman I could ever hope to feast my baby browns upon. Thanks a bajillion.”

She smiled and shook her head, then kissed his cheek.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Nevermind, Chris. We’ll talk when you come home.”

“Sure?”

“Positive.”

“De ja vouz.”

“All over again.”

----------------

NOTES:

1) What was that ending? Duh … it’s witty banter. Apologies to Yogi Berra.

2) Chris : Japan :: Marty : Flu

3) Poor unsuspecting Chris. So trusting, so devoted, so blissfully credulous. Have fun in Japan, fella. I’m sure everything will be fine stateside.

COMING UP NEXT …

What should you do when you accidentally kiss someone and then regret it? Share a chapter with that person, obviously! What salacious developments will transpire when Angel confronts Dustin about their saliva transfer? Tune in next week for …

Chapter 39 – Dustin and Angel

Chapter 37: Bobby's Last Day

2009-05-04T16:22:00.001-04:00

In last week’s exciting installment, Bobby and Linda made up for some reason. Phew. Can Bobby use his recent success in resurrecting his marriage to help Angel with her relationship problems? Also, did you know that Bobby is from the south? I sure did. And I faithfully represented that southernness by replacing the final consonant in several words with an apostrophe. Witness my mastery of dialect in …

Chapter 37 – Bobby’s Last Day

Bobby Eaton hopped up on the cot next to Angel.

“Hey.” He smiled fully. [someone alert the media. Clippy’s smiling fully!]

“Bobby? Is that a smile?” Angel’s heart leaped.

“She believed me!”

Angel gave him a huge hug. [isn’t that how all this trouble started in the first place? Lay off the hugs, blondie.] “That’s wonderful. What changed her mind?”

“I don’t know and I don’t’ care,” he said firmly.

“Bobby – when are you going?”

“An hour or so, why?” [because we are all counting down the minutes]

“You got time to talk with me?”

“I always have time for you, Angelica. What’s wrong?”

“Well … I need some advice.”

“Ok, I’ll do my best.”

“This is between you and me … allright?”

“Sure.” His expression darkened. “What is it?”

“Umm …” She took a deep breath, “Yesterday, I was fixing up Dustin Rhodes’ head, and … well … everything was happening so fast … and the next thing I knew, we were kissing each other.”

“Oh, geez.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you tell Chris?”

“No. that’s what I need your advice for. Should I tell him or not?”

“Well … how do you think he’ll react to it?” [I’m sure he’ll be doing cartwheels. What kind of dumbass question is that?]

“I wish I knew, Bobby.” [You wish you knew? What kind of dumbass answer is that??]

“Hmmm … I think you should be honest with him. Tell him it was a mistake … It was a mistake, wasn’t it?”

“Of course. I love Chris, and Dustin’s gonna get married in a week and a half.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying you two must have some feelings for each other to have kissed like that.”

“Oh, Bobby, I don’t …”

“Angelica, think about it. Could you have done the same thing with Paul Orndorf or Leon?”

“I … I guess not.”

Bobby was silent.

“So, what does this mean?”

“I dunno, Angelica.”

“I love Chris, I really do.”

“I never said you didn’t. Your feelings for Dustin probably aren’t that big if you’re just realizin’ them now.” [your logic is impeccable]

“Oh Bobby, I feel so guilty.” [I can’t imagine why.]

“For havin’ those feelings for Dustin?”

“Yeah. Chris is such a wonderful guy. I feel like such a … slut.” [I think trollop might be a better word]

“Angelica, don’t say that. Feelings for other people are normal, so long as they’re not too urgent.”

“They are?”
“Sure.”

“You’ve … felt things for someone other than Linda?”

Bobby paused, considering the question. “Yeah. But only little twinges sometimes.” He stopped and uttered a short laugh. “I’ve never told anyone else this before, but … uh … I had a little bit of a crush on Madusa Miceli for a while.”

“No.” She gasped in disbelief, giggling a little.

“Yeah. Nothing big. It never made me want to leave Linda or anythin’ crazy like that, but … It was there.”

“That’s so weird. Duce and I were friends [yeah, whatever happened to that? Oh yeah, she moved and thus erased yourself from Angel’s consciousness.] and I remember her once saying she didn’t think you liked her at all.”

He grinned. [why?]

There was a moment of silence. A thought entered Angel’s mind. “You know, Bobby, you remind me so much of my big brother Danny.”

“I didn’t know you had a big brother.” [that makes all of us, Clippy]

“We’ve been out of touch. He lives in L.A.”

“I remind you of him?”

“Yeah.” Her answer was short, but enough for Bobby.

“Funny, I told my wife yesterday that you were the little sister I’ve always wanted.”

“See you on Thanksgiving.” They both laughed.

“I sure am gonna miss you, Angelica. You’ve been just about the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“Me too, Bobby. I wish you could stay a little while longer.”

“Jimmy an’ Stan, they’re good guys, and wrestlin’ there is a lot more fun than it is here, but you and Chris are here. It’s frustrating.” He hopped off the cot. She followed.

“You promise you’ll visit as soon as you can?”

“I promise. You gonna tell Chris?”

“Yeah. I hope he understands.”

“I think he will.” He moved to the door with her. “I hate goodbyes.”

“So do I. Especially when it’s the second time around.”

He smiled and gave her a tight hug. “I’ll seeya soon.”

“Okay. Thanks for the talk.” [good GOLLY, will you stop with the pleasantries? Y’all seriously have the least interesting interactions on the planet.]

“Anytime. And I mean that.”

“What’re big brothers for, right?”

“Right.” He smiled and hugged her one more time [of course], then he left for Smokey Mountain once again.

NOTES

1) Good riddance yet again, Clippy Lee. He’ll be gone for a good long while, folks. I hope that doesn’t make you turn away in droves.

2) So Angel has an older brother we’ve never heard about? Which is most likely? (A) we will never hear of him again, (B) he will function as a deus ex machina (C) he will become a recurring character – a slick, hug-avoidant Hollywood lothario who will serve as Angel’s foil (D) we will find out 15 chapters from now that he has died in a horrible car crash. There’s only one way to find out … that’s right. Keep on reading.

COMING UP NEXT ….

Will Angel tell Chris? Will Chris ever get a boot laced in peace? Will I develop a better sense of what constitutes witty banter? Tune in next week for …

Chapter 38: Chris’ News

Chapter 36: Bobby and Linda

2009-04-28T11:42:00.002-04:00

So last week we saw deception, cheating, and boot-lacing. This week? Talking. Suck it up, folks, it's ...

Chapter 36: Bobby and Linda

Linda Eaton was one of the few people on the planet that could make Bobby laugh, and she was certainly the only one he could ever fall in love with. If he couldn’t get her back, he didn’t know what he’d do.

Now, sitting on her couch – their couch with her, he had a sudden, horrifying thought. “My marriage depends on the next thing I say.”

Linda sat next to her husband. She was pretty woman, with long, wavy auburn hair streaked with premature grey. It was silky and fine and usually worn in a loose bun at the nape of her neck. She had grayish-blue eyes and very fine features [what does that mean? I had no clue then, I have no clue now. Also, what is she wearing? I so wish I had included more outfit descriptions. Alas, I’ve never been particularly interested in clothing.] Bobby couldn’t believe how incredibly lucky he was to have her.

“What do you want to say to me, Bobby?”

“Linda, listen. Angelica and her boyfriend Chris offered to help me by talking to you, but I … I … oh, I dunno. I guess I just wanted another shot. Lin – I’ve never been good with words, but I love you with all my heart. Angelica is like the little sister I’ve always wanted. I’ve explained this all already, but … Oh forget it. You’re either gonna believe me or not, Linda. What I say really doesn’t matter.” He got up to leave.

“Bobby Lee …”

He stopped abruptly at the sound of his full name.

“I’m sorry for not believing you before. It was just …”

“You believe me now?”

“Yes.”

“We’re OK then?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, Lin, that’s all I needed to hear.”

NOTES

1) What? How was that an entire chapter? You know, I remember writing this one, and thinking that I had no clue why Linda would suddenly believe him, but that I didn’t want them to break up. So I just left it to the ellipses. Good ol’ ellipses. Implying what I’m not creative enough to say.

2) Those are some awesome communication skills you have, Boblinda. Just sweep it all under the rug. I’m sure your marriage will be fine.

COMING UP NEXT ...

I assume you all breathed a collective sigh of relief to learn that Bobby and Linda's marriage is safe. At the very least, this means that there's one less character to dissolve in tears all over Angel. Speaking of Angel, I'll bet you're wondering what would happen if she spilled her dirty secrets to Clippy. Find out next time in ...

Chapter 37 – Bobby’s Last Day

Chapter 35: Topeka

2009-04-21T09:00:00.003-04:00

Alllllright, ladies and gents. Trouble’s a-brewin’ here, and her name is Violet. And Asstin fans? Stuff is GOING DOWN. I hope no one is scandalized by the salaciousness of …

Chapter 35: Topeka

Chris Benoit opened his dressing room door and started to lace up his boots. He noticed movement in the corner shadows. He flicked on the lights. [he was lacing his boots up in the dark?]

“What the heck are you doing in here?” Chris exclaimed.

Violet stood. “Oh, Chris, I’m sorry! Did I frighten you?”

“No, but what are you doing in here?”

“Stunning Steve told me he’d meet me in here.”

“Austin? What’re you hangin’ around with a creep like that for?”

“I don’t’ know.” Her voice broke and tears spilled over her cheeks. “It’s just … I’ve been so lonely here, and he was so nice to me, and … and …”

Chris sighed. Here we go again. He sat next to Violet and awkwardly touched her shoulder. “C’mon, don’t’ cry, Violet. It’s not so bad. Some girls go good with creeps.”

This made her cry harder.

“Oh, geez. I didn’t mean that. I mean … Oh please don’t cry, Violet.”

She sniffled. Chris glanced down at his watch.

“Violet?”

“Yeah?”

“I hate to do this to you, but I have a match in 3 minutes and the only wrestling gear I have on is half a boot.” [why would you put your boots on before your tights?]

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no. No. Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault I’m slow.”

She apologized again anyway, then left.
---------

Dustin Rhodes stooped to enter Angel’s office.

“This doorway is too low.”

“You’re just too tall.”

“Hey Angel.”

“Hey, Dustin.”

“How you doin?”

“I’m OK. You?

“Just peachy.”

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Would you check this out for me?” He gestured towards a spot on his head. Angel pushed his hair away from the spot and saw a huge lump forming [I swear I didn’t mean for any of this to have any sort of erotic subtext. But wow. Or, rather, bow chicka wow wow.]

“Ooh, how’d you do that?”

“I banged my head on one of these stupid doorways.”

Angel reached for an ice pack. She pressed it against Dustin’s head.

He smiled.

“What?”

“You have the same color eyes as me.”

“Hey … you’re right.”

She leaned a little closer to adjust the pack, and it happened. No one planned it, it just happened.

Their lips met. The ice pack fell to the floor with a thud. He put his hand on the small of her back. Suddenly, both of them pulled back as if stung. They both began speaking rapidly at once.

“Oh, Dustin, listen, I …”

“Angelica, this wasn’t …”

“Neither of us meant for this to happen, right?”

“Right.” Dustin said.

“Ohh … I can’t believe what just happened.” Angel wailed.

“Me neither.”

“It was just a mistake, right Dustin? People make mistakes all the time.”

Dustin put his head in his hands [shout out, Anonymoleg!].

“Angel, I’m going to get married in a week and a half! I can’t be … oh, God.” He rose and paced, running his fingers through his hair rapidly. He stopped in the middle of the room and seized the sleeve of Angel’s uniform. “Angel, I love you as a friend and nothing more. What just happened was …”

“Meaningless.” Angel finished.

“Yes.”

“I agree. That’s exactly the way I feel.” She exhaled deeply.

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Should we tell …”

Dustin’s question was interrupted by a loud rapping on the door frame.

“Come in.” [come in to what? The door wasn’t closed.]

“Hey, Sunshine.” Chris greeted. “Uhh … bad time?”

“Oh, no. no.” Dustin said. “I was just leaving. See you later.”

“O---K. Something up, Angel-face?”

She avoided his eyes. “No, Chris. Listen, can we talk later, though?”

“Well, Sure. You allright?”

“Yeah. Yeah.”

“If you say so. Busy night?”

“Yeah.” (in more ways than one) [woah! Was that prescient snark?]

“Ok. See you later.”

--------------
NOTES:

1) Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SNAP!!! Violet, you were wasting your efforts. Angel the Virtuous can tank a relationship all on her own.

2) In my experience, denying any feelings that you have for someone after you have “accidentally” kissed ALWAYS works. That’s why all of the relationships I had in college were so healthy.

Hoo boy. Well, I'll bet you'd like a break from all of that intense drama. Ask and ye shall receive, because coming up next is ...

Chapter 36: Bobby and Linda.

Chapter 34: A Talk with Scott

2009-04-14T11:14:00.003-04:00

I don't even want to introduce this chapter. It's completely useless. I suggest that while you read it, you play a fun drinking game where you take a swig of your favorite beverage every time you see a set of ellipses.

Chapter 34 – A Talk with Scott

Scotty Steiner sighed with relief when the doorbell rang. He had needed to talk to her for a long time. Curt [Mr. P] had filled him in on the history of Angel in the WWF, and Scott’s head was full of thoughts and questions. He opened the door and greeted her with a hug.

“Hey Ang.”

“Hey Scott. How are you?”

“Same as last night,” he said with a half-smile. “Can I get you anything?”

She shook her head. They both sat on the couch.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Ang, it’s awful. Everything’s a mess. Marie and I had a real long talk, and for a while, everything was allright. Then she got … I dunno, weird … jealous. She just broke up with me for no reason.”

Angel looked away from him. “It’s me, isn’t it?” [good GOLLY, Angel, why must EVERYTHING be about YOU?]

“What do you mean?”

“She thinks you’re seeing me.”

Scott paused. Yeah … look, Ang, this isn’t … “

Angel cut him off. “I must be a jinx.” [I don’t think that’s exactly the word I would have selected.]

“What?”

“This is the third relationship I’ve ruined just by being friends with the men involved.” [maybe it’s not the friendship so much as the enthusiastic hugging]

“Angelica, this isn’t your fault.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. Do you … do you still love her?”

“I can’t stop. How can you stop loving someone?”

“I don’t think you can.”

“Then do you still love Marcus?”

Angel thought for a second. “I’m not sure I ever really did.” [but you went on one whole date with him!]

“Do you still love Marty?”

“I … wait … how do you know about Marty?” [you are the worst friends ever]

“Curt told me about him.”

“Oh. That’s a hard question.” She rubbed her temples for a long time as she considered it. “I do,” she whispered, in an almost disappointed tone. “I can never forgive him for what he did to me. Never. But, there’s still a piece of me that … Scott, can we change the subject?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m sorry. Tell me about Chris.” [how about let’s not talk about her, especially considering that you were practically salivating to get her to your house so she could sort about your problems?]

“Oh, he’s just about the sweetest guy in the universe. I’m so happy with him.”

“That’s terrific. Y’know, I really thought me and Marie had that something special you and Chris seem to have found.”

“Scott, you deserve better than Marie.”

“What?”

“Think about it. How good can someone who will break up with you in a jealous rage be?”

“She wasn’t in a rage.”

“But obviously she wouldn’t listen to you when you tried to explain.”

“Well … no.”

“You’re better off without her.”

“Maybe I am … but …”

“But what?”

“I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone else to love.”

“Scott …”

“Angel, I’ll be 30 years old in three months.” [not mentally, buddy.]

“And I’ll be twenty-six in three months. What’s your point? Scotty, you’re a wonderful person. Don’t worry about life so much. Just let things happen.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Ang, thanks.” His voice fell as he spoke. “I still miss her.”

“Of course you still miss her. ‘Scuse the cliché, but broken hearts don’t mend overnight. Someone else will come along, and when she does, you’d better invite me to the wedding.”

“You’ll be the first one on my list.”

“Scott, I’m sorry, but I’d really best be on my way. I’ve got a major set of house shows to cover in Topeka.”

“Ok. Thanks for coming here, Ang. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Scott saw Angel off, feeling better than he’d felt in a long time. Maybe Angel was right. He should just let things happen. From now on, he would go with the flow.

------

NOTES

1) That was Angel’s sage advice. Let things happen? And Scott doesn’t know what he would do without her?

2) No, seriously. He’s been sighing himself into a frenzy because he desperately needed to talk to Angel. She comes over, blathers on about herself, gives him the tritest advice on record, and he’s all better???

3) I … I don’t … know … why I thought … that ellipses … were such … compelling … pieces of … punctuation.

Ok, let’s shake that chapter off …

There’s an AWESOME one coming up next. Violet skanks around and Dustin bumps his head on doorway. You won’t want to miss … Chapter 35 – Topeka

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (Part III)

2009-04-07T10:38:00.002-04:00

How ‘bout them Tar Heels?

Are y’all ready for the thrilling finale of this chapter? I know I am. So far, Bobby has had the lamest party ever, which he made even lamer by crying about his wife. Chris made coffee and Angel patted Bobby’s arm. It’s all uphill from here. Cue the bow chicka wow wow music, because the heat is getting turned up in …

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (Part III)

Angel sat next to Chris on the couch.

“Some party,” Chris commented, handing angel a cup of coffee.

“I’m just happy we could help him.”

“You’re too nice, Angel.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

Angel sipped her coffee and sputtered. “Geez, Chris, what did you do to this coffee?”

“Coffee? That’s not coffee. That’s the blood of ten thousand millipedes.”

“You are disgusting.”

“Want a refill?”

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

“You know Angel, we still have time to have a party of our own.”

“Oh really?”

“Uh-huh.”

He pressed his body close to hers and they shared a long, passionate kiss. Chris began to untuck her shirt from her jeans [HEY NOW!], and Angel pulled away. [that’s better.]

“What is it, Sunshine? You’ve never minded when I’ve done this before.” [was she drugged?]

“I know, Chris, and I love to have your hands caress me like that [eew], but we have to talk.”

Chris smiled. He found it charming that Angel called feeling her up being caressed. “Talk about what?”

“Chris, have you ever slept with anyone?”

“Angel …”

“No. Answer me. It’s not like I’m going to get mad.”

“Well, yeah. I lost my virginity in my second year of college.”

“Who was she?”

“Geez, Angel. Her name was Justina Foster.”

“Did you love her?”

“Yeah, I loved her. We just drifted. What’s the third degree for, huh?”

“I don’t know,” said Angel.

“Then it’s my turn. Who was your first?”

“Mr. Rogers.”

“C’mon.”

“No, really. We spelled out dirty words with letter blocks.”

“Be serious.”

“I’m a virgin.”

“I said be serious.”

“I am being perfectly serious.”

“You didn’t sleep with Marty or Marcus?”

“No.”

“Well … what are you waiting for?”

Angel smiled. “Marriage.” [10 bucks says that was a self-satisfied smile]

“Why are you bringing this up, Angel?”

“Honestly?”

“No. Lie to me.”

She ignored his comment. “Well, Chris. I’ve been wondering. Why should I lose my virginity on my wedding night when just about everyone else doesn’t give a damn about morality?” [here we go again]

“Angel, if everyone else …”

“I know, I know. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you too.”

“Actually, Ms. Know-it-all, I was going to say ‘If everyone else plugged in a Cuisinart standing in a puddle of Kool-Aid, would you too?”

“That I would do.”

“The point is, Angel,” said Chris with a sigh, “You are your own person. Everyone is. And you should be proud of being a virgin.”

“I am … it’s just …”

“Just what?”

“Sometimes I want to give myself to you so bad.”

“Maybe you don’t have too long to wait.”

“What do you mean?”

Chris shrugged.

“You were talking about me us marrying again, weren’t you?”

“I guess I was.”

“Oh, Chris …”

“I love you, you love me …”

“You would look good in a big purple dinosaur suit.”

Chris knew Angel hated talking about getting married so he dropped the subject with a sigh. He put his hand behind her head and kissed her lightly on the lips. “I’ll love you forever, Angel. I knew that from the first time I saw your beautiful face that we were meant to be together.” He started to say more, but Angel put her finger on his lips and ran her hands through his baby-soft brown hair. He leaned close to kiss her, and the phone rang.

“Sorry, Chris,” she got up to answer it reluctantly.

“Hello?”

“Angelica?”

“Yes?”

“It’s Scott Steiner.”

“Hi Scott. How are you?”

“Not too good.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Ang, it’s a mess. You’ll be here tomorrow, won’t you?” [good golly, Scott. Co-dependant much?]

“Of course.”

Scott breathed a sigh of relief. “Great. I just needed to be sure.”

“You OK Scott?”

“Not really.”

“Hang in there.”

“Thanks, Ang.”

“Anytime.”

They said goodbye and Angel returned to Chris, who had quizzical expression on his face. “Scott Steiner,” Angel answered the question before it was asked.

“Oh?” an eyebrow arched.

“He’s my buddy.”

“Buddy?” both eyebrows arched.

Angel threw a pillow at Chris. “Stop being so jealous.”

“I can’t help it. The thought of you with another guy …”

“Revolts me,” Angel interrupted. “You’ve got nothing to worry about,” she kissed him on his cheek. The phone rang again. Angel mussed Chris’ hair. “Be right back.”

“Hello.”

“Stay away from him.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t go near him tomorrow.”

“Who is this?”

There was a click as the other person hang up. Angel slammed down the receiver.

“Sunshine?”

“Nevermind.”

“No, what?”

“Marie.”

“Oh, Angel.”

“Chris, I don’t want to talk about her now.”

“Sorry. Don’t let her get to you,” he stood and grabbed his coat from the nearby rack.

“Where are you off to?”

“Sorry, Sunshine. My day starts early tomorrow.” [and let’s face it, it must be at least 8:30 by now.]

“Okay,” Angel pouted. He kissed her warmly and left.

His mind was full of thoughts. Justina Foster. He hadn’t thought about her in years. Where was she now? Chris shook her head. Who could even think about Justina Foster when he had Angel?

NOTES

1) I suppose that there’s no need for me to rehash the “morality” eye-roll, but seriously. Angel. Saying that you don’t want to sleep with someone before you’re married because of morality implies that you tie equate premarital sex with immoral behavior. Which, correct me if I’m wrong, usually suggests that a person has a religious objection to premarital sex. So look, whatever, no problem with that, but seeing as how I was a completely areligious child, I’m just going to bet that Angel herself was likewise areligious. Her objection to sex, therefore, is merely a way for her to hold herself above her peers, judge others, and, perhaps, refuse to commit to anyone. My objection to sex when I wrote this was that it sounded gross. I think that’s a good attitude for 14-year-olds. I suppose my idea of “morality” also came from my mom. When I got “the talk” from my mom, she told me that people should wait until they’re married, which I now find hilarious, considering the fact that she and my father cheated on their respective spouses with each other, then divorced their spouses, shacked up with each other for a year, and then got married on my dad’s lunch break. Also hilarious: when I was 22, I told my mom that me and my long-term boyfriend weren’t sleeping together, she said, and I quote, “that’s not fair to him!” I suppose she thought she knew best, and maybe she did, because the fact that he didn’t care whether or not we slept together should have been a clue to me that something was amiss in our relationship (or that he secretly preferred the company of men, which, as it turns out, he did. But that’s another story). Uhmm … where was I? Oh yes. Angel. She’s basically just a paragon of virtue. And she needs everyone else to know that.

2) I give Angel a lot of crap for being Angel, but hey, Chris is pretty passive-aggressive about the whole marriage thing, isn’t he? Back off, bro. I mean, I can see where it would be frustrating, but dropping all of those subtle “hints” isn’t helping your case.

3) Marie is crazy. Scott is needy. Got it.

4) “Who could even think about Justina Foster when he had Angel?” Obviously you, Chris. Trouble’s a-brewin!

Coming up next …

Angel talks with Scott about his relationship problems. Angel somehow makes it all about herself. Of course.

Tune in next time for …

Chapter 34 – A Talk with Scott

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (Part II)

2009-03-31T19:28:00.000-04:00

When we last left our treasured trove of characters, Bobby had just informed Chris and Angel that Arn told Linda that Bobby was cheating on her with Angel. That rogue! This news caused the roaring party to come to a crashing halt. Will it ever get back on track? Find out today in …

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (Part II)

“What?” Chris exclaimed.

“You heard me.”

“Why would she believe him?” Angel asked.

“Arn’s like a brother to her. She wouldn’t believe me when I told her what Arn did to me at first. After a while, she began to accept it. Then he started to become friends with her again. She got to trusting him like she used to. Little by little, he dropped hints to her that I was seeing someone on the side. She started questioning just how faithful I was. A week ago, she confronted me and I denied it and she got angry. I don’t want to go into the details. I really don’t.”

“Then don’t,” Chris said, trying to be as gentle as possible. He didn’t know how to comfort people. That was Angel’s department. Angel, perhaps sensing this, laid her hand on Bobby’s forearm. A sudden question popped into Chris’ mind. “Bob, if Arn’s whole fight with you was sham, why is he doing this now?” [good question. I can’t believe Chris/I remembered this. Huzzah, continuity!]

Bobby heaved a deep sigh. “Arn doesn’t know that I know the truth. I guess he’s playing the part. If he stopped, I‘d think he was willing to drop the whole thing. You see?”

Chris nodded.

“You seem to have thought a lot about this,” commented Angel. [are you seriously marveling at the fact that the man has given a great deal of thought to the end of his marriage?]

Bobby nodded.

“We should talk to her,” said Chris.

“No.”

“Wait, Bobby, Chris had a good idea. Let us talk to her.”

“I dunno.”

“It’s worth a shot, Bob.”

“I dunno,” he repeated. “This is too much for me!” he got up and walked around with his forehead in his hands. Chris and Angel exchanged worried glances. Angel rose and moved over to Bobby.

“Calm down, Bobby. Everything will be allright.”

“Allright?” Bobby’s normally hushed voice grew in volume until he was at a near-shout. “Angelica! How can it ever be allright?”

She took both of his hands in hers and her eyes softened when she saw how damp his were.
“You’re telling the truth, Bobby. That’s how I know it’ll be allright.” Angel pulled him back to the couch.

“But what if it’s not? What if Arn ruined my marriage? What’ll I do?” his voice broke and tears raced down his cheeks. [you know, we haven’t had egregious crying in far too long here. Welcome back!]

Chris put a hand firmly on his shoulder. He was so glad Angel was here. He wouldn’t have known how to handle it when Bobby broke down and cried. Giving Angel a shoulder to weep on had been hard enough. He hated to see people unhappy. Angel put an arm tenderly around Bobby’s shoulders. Chris stood.

“I’ll go make some coffee,” he said.

“Thanks, Chris.”

Chris sat at Angel’s kitchen table and watched the water boil. This is about as good as watching compost form, he thought with a smile. [was that a prescient shout-out to Slice?] He could hear Bobby sobbing quietly and Angel saying soft, soothing things to calm him down. He grabbed three mugs and poured the coffee. But when he entered the living room with the cups, Bobby had his coat on and was ready to leave.

“Where you off to?” Chris asked, setting down the cups on the table.

“I gotta talk to Linda. I’m real sorry, and I appreciate you guys going to all this trouble for me but …”

“We understand, Bobby.”

“Thanks.”

“If things go sour, tell us, and we’ll talk to her, ok?”

He nodded.

“Hey, this was a going-away-again party.”

“Yeah!” Angel chimed in.

“You’re leaving Sunday, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am.”

Angel hugged him. “I’ll miss you Bobby.” [what will you miss? Him moping and hushtalking?]

“Miss you, too.”

“Come back and visit soon.”

“I will.”

They exchanged goodbyes again, and Bobby left.

To be continued …

NOTES:

1) So let’s recap what happened in this chapter: Angel got sobbed on and Chris felt awkward and made coffee. Everyone up to speed? Excellent.
2) Yes, Clippy. Go talk to your wife instead of sending two strangers to try to sort things out. I can’t believe you actually made a sensible decision here.

3) I wish Arn had barged in and punched everyone.

COMING UP NEXT

The title “Turning Up the Heat” takes on a new meaning as Chris and Angel make out. Seriously. Clear your schedules for next Tuesday, folks, because you will not want to miss the first make-out scene in my literary canon. The best part is, of course, that I wrote it way before I actually ever kissed, much less made out with, anyone. Therefore, it’s rather brief. And then after the non-make-out session, Chris and Angel have an incredibly stupid conversation about sex. Sweet. See you next time for …

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (Part III)

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (Part I)

2009-03-21T20:37:00.002-04:00

March Madness is in full swing. You know what that means? That’s right: soap operas on CBS are pre-empted. So where can you turn for maudlin love scenes, unrealistic characters, bizarrely constructed revenge attempts, and plots so thin you can see through them? Here, of course. [No disrespect to CBS soaps. I’ve been watching Guiding Light for 15 years. It’s much better these days than it has been in the past. Even though Reva is pregnant and post-menopausal and has cancer and is on her sixteenth husband, it’s still better than all those times when Reva was Amish and a ghost and a clone and could read minds and fought Nazis by walking through a painting. None of that is made up. But I digress …]. Today at Unabashedly Bad, we begin a new chapter that will be split into three exciting parts. Is that too much for y’all to handle? The suspense begins in …

Chapter 33: Turning up the Heat (part I)

Violet Royce walked brusquely down the hall of the Laurel Heights Civic Center. The night’s main event, Chris Benoit and Bobby Eaton against Ricky Steamboat and Shane Douglas [that’s the main event? Yikes.] had ended in a double countout minutes earlier. Violet stopped around a corner near the “heel” dressing room. She smiled and waited quietly.

Inside the dressing room, Bobby and Chris had just changed into street clothes [shower scene implied, at the very least].

“All ready for your ‘party’ tonight, Bobby?”

“I guess.”

“Well, don’t’ be so enthusiastic, said Chris, dripping with sarcasm [he himself is dripping? Eew.]. “C’mon Bob, lighten up a little. It’ll be fun!”

“Yeah.”

“Angel’s at seven. Don’t forget.” [gasp! A nighttime party? I certainly hope there will be cookies and bell peppers.]

“I won’t.”

Chris gave Bobby a pat on the back and left the room. Bobby sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was have a party.

Violet heard the door creak open. She peered out into the corridor, made sure Chris was the one exiting, and unbuttoned the front of her shirt just a little. [harlot!] She hurried out of her hiding spot and bumped into Chris.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!”

“Violet! We’ve got to stop meeting each other like this!”

Violet laughed.

“I’m sorry to have to leave you so soon, Violet, but I’ve got to talk to someone.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Angelica Kerris. Know her?”

“Uhh … no, sorry.”

“Well, I’m sure she’d love to meet you. All her friends are guys, you know. If she doesn’t make a few more female friends, her membership to the Lorena Bobbit Fan Club will be revoked!” [oh, castration humor!]

Violet laughed as though it were the funniest thing she ever heard.

“Oh, Chris. I’d love to, but I’m in a bit of a rush myself. Ole is expecting me to file some things for him [bow chicka wow wow]. Nice to bump into you again.”

“Literally! You too. Take care.”

They both walked off in different directions. Chris, to Angel’s office. Violet, to the parking lot.

“Hey, Angel-face,” Chris greeted, bouncing into her office.

“Hi, Chris.”

Chris locked his arms around Angel’s waist and kissed her. After a few seconds, Angel pulled away. “Sorry, Chris. If I’m gonna be able to clean up this place and get home before six-thirty, I’d better hurry.”

“Want some help?”

“I’d love some. Thanks.” For the next half-hour, they tidied up the office. [half an hour with two people? WTF did she do in there? Reenact Nickelodeon’s awesome game show Finders Keepers? My mom never liked it when my brother and I tried to play our own home version.]

At six o’clock, they arrived at Angel’s house. From six to six-thirty, they set up for Bobby’s party. After they were done, Chris and Angel kissed for a while. [no time table for that?]

“I’m so worried about Bobby,” said Angel, pulling back from Chris’s lips.

“Why?”

“Oh, Chris, didn’t you see how weird he’s been acting lately?”

Before Chris could reply, the doorbell rang. Angel jumped up to answer it.

“Hi Bobby! Come in!” [It’s Bobby? Wait … where are the other guests? Three people is not a party. It’s three people hanging out in a living room. WTF did Angel have to “set up”? Was there a piñata?]

“Hi Angelica. Hey Chris,” Bobby greeted, stepping into Angel’s house. She hung up his coat.

“Bobby, before we get this party started, you have to talk to us.” She led him to the couch and he sat next to Chris. She sat next to him. “What’s going on with you, Bobby?” she asked.

“I dunno, I guess I’m just going to miss you guys.”

“C’mon Bob. We may be dumb, but we’re not stupid.”

Bobby drew in a long breath. “Linda and I are separating.”

“Oh, Bobby, I’m so sorry.” Angel touched his hand.

“Why? I thought things were going great with you guys,” Chris asked.

“They were.”

“So what happened?”

“It was that goddamned son of a … ‘scuse me.”

Angel dismissed his apology with a wave of her hand. [how benevolent of her]

“It was Anderson.”

“What’d he do?”

“He went up to Linda and convinced her that I was having an affair with you.” He gestured towards Angel with a jerk of his thumb. [not with Chris? But the showering, Bobby … didn’t that mean anything to you?]

To be continued …

NOTES:

1) I don’t know why I titled this chapter “Turning Up the Heat.” I suppose that I initially planned to make it more about Violet’s Evil Plan, but then got sidetracked by this compelling plot about Clippy (tm Carters).

2) Worst. Party. Ever. Sting would be ashamed.

3) Well of course Linda thinks Clippy and Angel are having an affair. Who would trust her husband around Angel, she of the radiant smile and shining hair and scrumtrulescent figure and wondrous heart and never-ending supply of tissues and hugs? I sure wouldn’t.

4) Good ol’ Arn. Pulling a Iago. Let’s cross our fingers that Angel is the Desdemona here instead of Linda. Although maybe I shouldn’t make any references to wife-killing when one of my main characters is … ahh, nevermind. That’s just wrong. And this blog is, if nothing else, a paragon of good taste.

How will Changel react to Bobby’s news? How long will it take before someone starts bawling? Will the party get any better? Will any of the characters make any coffee? All of these questions will be answered in …

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (part II)

Chapter 32: Solitary Scott

2009-03-16T20:08:00.004-04:00

Greetings, all. Welcome to another installment of stuff that makes me cringe when I read it. In today's chapter, Scott reveals a little bit more of his stalker side and Rick is creepy about stuff. Enjoy!

Chapter 32 – Solitary Scott

“Why isn’t she home?” Scott murmured to himself, slamming the receiver into its cradle. Scott had been trying to reach Marie for the billionth time in two days. “If I could just talk to her, everything would be OK! I know it!”

“Talking to yourself again, little brother?” asked Rick, entering Scott’s room.

“Hey, Rick.”

“Still can’t get Marie?”

“No.”

“Maybe her phone is broken.”

“Naw. I drove to her house yesterday. Noone was there.” [have you considered implanting a tracking device under her skin?]

“I talked to Angie.”

“Yeah? How is she?”

“Good. She wants to talk to you.”

“She does?” [why does this surprise you? Rick talking to Angel = Angel interfering in your life.]

“Yeah. Saturday. She’ll come here.”

“Fine.” Normally, Scott would have been a little angry with Rick for making plans without asking him first [wtf?], but he was so preoccupied with Marie, he barely noticed.

“See you later, Scotty,” Rick said, closing Scotty’s door behind him as he left his room. [he lets Scott have his own room? With a door that shuts? Woah!]

Scott sighed and tried Marie once more. No answer.

Outside, thunder rolled and a storm began. Wind gusted, fluttering papers around in the room. Scott went over to the window to shut it and then picked the papers up from the floor. A small card caught his eye.

You are cordially invited
To the marriage of
Dustin Rhodes and
Alexandra York on
April Twenty-First at
Saint Joseph’s Church.
RSVP by April Second

Scotty had almost forgotten about Dustin’s wedding. “Marie and I were going to get married.” Scott thought to himself. [oh yeah? When did that happen? Methinks Scott is inventing stuff. Either that or I was] “Stop it, Scott! You’re not helping anything by getting yourself upset!” he admonished. Scott closed his eyes and shook his head. Talking to Angel would help. [how?]

NOTES

1) Oh gross, Steiners. Your relationship is weird and gross.

2) Scott, you are made of crazy. Obsess much? Rewrite history much? Wig out much? Oh, I guess I can’t blame you. Rick has obviously screwed with your head to the degree that you are incapable of maintaining any sort of healthy relationship with anyone else. Poor Scotty. You know what he needs? A healthy dose of AngelSense.

3) Where could Marie be? Maybe Scott should check the glasses aisle of Lame Disguises 'R Us.

COMING UP NEXT:

Violet's dastardly plan continues to unfold and Bobby mopes around some more. Sweet! Join us next time for ...

Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (part I)

Chapter 31: Revenge Begins

2009-03-08T22:01:00.002-04:00

I’m typing this one outside because last night my dog ate half a bag of hershey’s kisses, wrappers and all, and I figure if they’re coming out, better for that not to be on our living room rug. The upside: it’s gorgeous out here. The downside: Slice is a novice composter and there’s a Tupperware full of rotting vegetables on the deck. It reeks.

Special shout out to all my readers, frequent commenters and lurkers alike. I just want to say that I appreciate all of y’all/youse guys. So hey out there in Naples, San Francisco, San Antonio, Irving, DC, Glenshaw, Houston, Nashville, Allentown, Chapel Hill, and anywhere else I’m not mentioning. Whether I know you personally or not, I’m super duper psyched that you’re reading, and I hope you’re having as much fun as I am.

Anyhoo … someone tell Angel to watch her back. A devious plot begins to unfold in …

Chapter 31 – Revenge Begins

Chris walked down the narrow corridor of Atlanta’s Omni, whistling an unidentifiable tune. His mind was off somewhere in space, so he didn’t notice the woman walking hurriedly in the other direction.

“Oh!” the woman exclaimed as they collided. Her papers spilled on the floor.

“I’m so sorry. I was kind of lost in thoughts,” Chris admitted, helping her scoop up the papers.

“I was a bit lost myself,” she said sheepishly.

Chris looked up at her. Her jet black hair was tied at the nape of her neck into a tight bun. Emerald eyes sparkled behind wire-rimmed glasses. [black hair and green eyes? Uh-oh. That can only mean one person. But glasses are a good disguise.] She was dressed in a dark linen skirt and top.

“I’m Violet Royce,” she greeted, offering her hand to Chris.

“Chris Benoit.”

“Nice to meet you, Chris. Maybe you can help me. Where is Ole Anderson’s office?” [why would he have an office at the arena?]

“I’ll walk you there.”

“Thank you.”

They started off into the direction of the office.

“So, what do you do here?” Chris asked.

“I’m a secretary for Ole. This is my first day.” [so my female characters consist of a nurse and a secretary. Nice.]

“Maybe I can show you around later.”

“I’d like that,” she smiled broadly.

Violet laughed to herself. This would be easier than she thought. [I dunno, Vi. It’s going to be tough to top Miss Elizabeth’s scheme.]

-----

“So the snail drives by and a guy says, ‘Hey! Look at that S car go!!’ Get it?” Angel finished her joke with a flourish.

Bobby smiled weakly.

“Oh, come on, Bobby. That at least deserved a groan!”

He shook his head silently. Angel hopped up on the cot next to him. She spoke gently. “Hey Bobby, you’ve been quiet all week. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

Angel sighed. “Oh Bobby, you know I don’t believe that.”

He shrugged.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk.”

He nodded.

“You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

Another nod. Angel looked at her best friend for a long time. Seeing him like this really made her depressed. On an impulse, she threw her arms around him in a tight embrace. [Impulse? Hugs are the bread of Angel’s supermarket trips, not the Snickers bars. Mmm, snickers bars.]

“I love you, Bobby.”

“I love you too.”

“Don’t look so sad. You don’t deserve this.”

He looked into her eyes, smoothed her hair, and kissed her forehead.

“I’ve gotta go,” he said in a hushed voice. He jumped off the cot and left. Angel shook her head sadly. Poor Bobby, she thought. Maybe his going-away-again party this Friday would cheer him up.

---

NOTES

1) How was this a chapter? Chris bumps into Ole’s new secretary and Bobby pouts about whatever? Slow burn, ladies and gents. Slow burn.

2) The snail has an “S” painted on the outside of the car. I still like that joke.

3) Anyone think Violet/Marie/Sunny/Nightshade’s evil revenge plot is going to succeed? Anyone think I actually had a plan in mind rather than just making it up as I went along?

COMING UP NEXT ...

Another infernal Scott and Rick chapter. 'Nuff said.

Join us next time for ...

Chapter 32: Solitary Scott

Chapter 30: Something's on His Mind

2009-03-03T12:42:00.003-05:00

Welcome back, friends. Today we get a blissfully short interaction between Chris and Bobby that once again includes a reference to showering and a deepening of the relationship between Dustin and Angel that includes injured toes. I humbly submit to you:

Chapter 30: Something’s on His Mind

“Hey Bob,” Chris greeted, toweling off his hair.

“Hi,” Bobby murmured, lacing his boots.

“You looked great against Johnny B. Badd,” said Chris.

“Thanks,” muttered Bobby without looking up.

“Something up, Bob?”

“Naw. I gotta go.”

“Bye.”

Chris shrugged and finished drying off his hair. Sometimes Bobby was a bit secretive, and that was okay.

---
“Ouch!” Angel cried, rubbing her toe.

“Sorry,” Dustin apologized. “I really do appreciate this, Angel.”

“No problem.”

Angel was teaching Dustin to dance in preparation for his wedding, a mere two and a half weeks away. [Isn’t this something he should be doing with his freaking fiancé?]

“Let’s take a break, huh?”

“Sure.”

Both plopped down on the couch. Angel removed her shoes and examined her toes.

“Did I hurt you?”

“Nothing reconstructive service can’t fix,” [sic] she chuckled.

There was a moment of silence as Dustin stared into space and Angel put her shoe back on.

“What’re you thinking about, Dustin?”

“You and Alex. You’re both so similar, but so different.” [how does that even make sense? Also, shut up, Dustin. Go hang out with your wife.]

“How so?”

“Your personalities are kinda the same, but I feel so different about you two. I mean, I love you both, I would do anything for either of you, but it’s still different.”

“I understand what you’re saying.”

“I can’t imagine ever being able to cry on Alex’s shoulder like I did with you.”

“You can’t?”

Dustin shook his head. [uhm … that’s weird, buckaroo.]

“Hey Angel?”

“Yeah?”

“What was bugging you that day a while back?”

“Oh. I had just gotten into a fight with Chris. Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering.”

“You nervous about your wedding?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Where’s the honeymoon?”

“Tahiti.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah.”

“Dustin, this will be a personal question, and I understand if you don’t want to answer it, but, will your honeymoon be the first time you and Alexandra ever had sex?”

“No. Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Have you and Chris ever had sex.”

“No. I’m … a virgin.”

“Serious?”

“Yeah. You seem surprised.”

“I am.”

Angel’s clock struck six.

“I’d better go.” Dustin announced, rising from the couch. “Match starts soon.” [now the matches are at night?]

“Okay,” said Angel, following him to the door.

“Thanks again.”

“Anytime.”

Dustin kissed Angel on the cheek and stepped into the cold Minnesota night. His stomach began to launch into a series of somersaults as he thought of how close his wedding was. He shivered and zipped his coat up to his chin.

NOTES:

1) The title of this chapter is an oblique reference to a ridiculously obscure 4 Seasons song. How obscure? It’s a track from their Genuine Imitation Life Gazette album, which I think maybe six people worldwide have heard of besides me. I still have the tape. It’s also supposed to be a reference to Bobby’s internal struggle, which I forgot to elaborate on in this chapter.

2) Johnny B. Badd! Like Little Richard, only somehow more flamboyant. Look at this outfit!

3) Dustin and Angel (Dungel?). Where do I begin. Ok, I’ll start with the obvious. This combination of private dancing, cheek-kissing, and intense emotional closeness between two adult “just friends” who are married and/or exclusively dating other people is really inappropriate. That being said: one of my very best friends is a guy. We are such good friends that he came to my wedding dressed as a Viking. I love this dude and would do anything for him, much as the way Dustin loves Angel. Unlike Dungel, however, the scenario in this chapter would never, ever happen between me and The Viking. The closest we’ve ever come to kissing is me kicking him in the face (this happened a lot in college. Amy, you understand. Also, I think I kicked your husband in the face a lot too. Sorry if that was crossing some sort of boundary). Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes. So The Viking and I have been BFF for about 10 years. I think he’s seen my cry once. And it was really weird. Slice has seen me cry plenty of times. And it’s never weird. And if I thought for a second that he’d feel weird crying around me, but not around some ladyfriend of his, I’d haul us in to the marriage counselor, because something ain’t right with that.

Aside from that, this here Dungel interaction is kind of interesting in terms of subtext. It’s rather obvious that Dustin and Angel are totally into each other. Aside from the aforementioned dancing and cheeking, she’s asking him about sex and he’s confessing a level of emotional insecurity between him and Alex. And after the dance lesson, we see Dustin more nervous than ever about his impending wedding (to the point where he’s shivering), perhaps because it’s to the wrong woman.

If I thought for a second that I did any of this intentionally, I’d be kind of impressed with 13-year-old me. Alas. I’m pretty sure that in my mind, Dustin’s nerves were the stereotypical “wedding jitters” I assumed everyone went through, the shivering was because it was cold, the sex-talk was to reestablish Angel’s Virtue, and the weird Dungel closeness was something any man could achieve with Angel, because she was just the most wonderful, compassionate, loving woman EVER.

Gak.

Well then … I think I’ve done enough rambling for now. Let’s see what’s on tap for next week:

Ooh … you’re not going to want to miss this one. We get to meet a new (?) character and watch Bobby brood. Plus you get the punchline of one of my favorite jokes. Whee! Join us next time for …

Chapter 31: Revenge Begins

Chapter 29: Mail

2009-02-25T22:07:00.004-05:00

Ok. Sorry again that this one is late. In this thrilling chapter, we get to read some of Angel's mail and endure a painfully "humor"-laden conversation that she has with Rick. Hooo boy!

Chapter 29: Mail

Angel had been away from home for two weeks. Mrs. Camaletti had been getting all of her mail for her. [well that’s a thrilling way to start a chapter]. On Mrs. Camaletti’s hall table, there were 4 letters declaring that Angelica Kerris could win 10 million dollars, 5 bills, a letter from the American Red Cross, a small envelope with a gold foil stamping, and another letter. [are y’all taking notes?]

Curious, she opened the small one first. The letter was an engraved invitation to … Dustin’s wedding! Finally! Oh, this was exciting. What would she wear? While her mind happily raced, the postmark on the other letter caught her eye. Silver Lake, Michigan.

“What’s that little vixen want now?” she said aloud. [seriously? She said that out loud?]

Angel read Marie’s letter.

Angel –

You make me sick. You weren’t content to just steal Mr. P. from me, you’re after Scotty too. Well forget about that. I’ll stop you—no matter what it takes.

~ Marie

Angel shook her head sadly and said out loud: “That woman is insane.”

The phone rang and Angel screamed. “I’ve got to learn to control myself,” she reprimanded herself.

“Camaletti residence.”

“Yes, this is the electric company. Is your refrigerator running?” [LOL. Not.]

“Old joke, Rick,” she laughed.

“Got me, Angie.” Rick Steiner said.

Angel had left Mrs. Camaletti’s phone number on her answering machine. She was glad Rick had called. Marie’s letter had upset her, and Ricks’ cheerful personality was just what she needed.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Okay. And you?”

“Bout the same.” [zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

“Good to hear. How’s Scott?”

“Not good. That’s mainly why I’m calling.” [so you can interfere in his life again because it’s not as if he’s an adult or anything and after all, you’ve known him for a whole, like, couple months]

“Oh? What’s the matter?”

“It’s Marie.”

“I figured as much. Did they break up?”

“No. But things aren’t good. I was wondering if you’d talk to Scotty Boy about this.”

“Me? Rick, I think I’d be the last one he’d want to talk to. This is practically all my fault.”

“Curt said you’d take the blame for this,” Rick said, more to himself than Angel. [you mean that she’d make it all about herself?]

“Mr. P? You’ve spoken to him?”

“Yeah. We’re good friends.”

“Scott too?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Hasn’t Mr. P. spoken to Scott about Marie?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“And Scott still wants to talk to me about this?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just confusing, that’s all.”

“Yeah, why?” [oh just stick a spork in my pancreas]

“Rick!” Angel cried, feigning annoying playfully.

“Sorry. I couldn’t help it.”

“So will you talk to my brother?”

“Of course.”

“Good. We’ll be in Minnesota Friday. Is that OK?”

“No. Sorry. Chris and I are throwing Bobby a going-away-again-party.”

“Chris?”

“Chris Benoit. He’s my boyfriend.” [my characters are the worst communicators ever.]

“Oh. How ‘bout Saturday?”

“Fine with me.”

“We’re at the Capri Hotel. Know where it is?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. See you then.”

“Rick?”

“Yeah, Angie?”

“Give Mr. P. my phone number, will you?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks. Bye, Rick.”

“Seeya Angie.”

NOTES

1) So Angel’s Best Friend Ever, Mr. P., doesn’t even have her phone number??? No wonder it’s such a tragedy when people move. Out of sight, out of contact. Except for Rick Steiner, who calls Angel all the time so that she can talk some AngelSense into Young Scott’s life. What a good friend. Who apparently doesn’t even know that Angel has been dating Chris for several chapters now.

2) Could there have been less action in this chapter?

3) What is Marie’s deal, you ask? Why is she sending stupid letters to Angel? Remember, sending letters is her m.o. Too bad this one didn’t have anthrax inside it. I’ve heard that Angel was allergic to that. Anyhoo, don’t worry. We haven’t heard the last from Angel’s arch nemesis.

COMING UP NEXT:

Bobby seems upset but won't tell anyone why and Angel and Dustin talk about sex. Hawt. Join us next time for ...

Chapter 30: Something's On His Mind

update tomorrow! (or maybe even late tonight)

2009-02-25T09:36:00.005-05:00

Hi all,

Sorry to have missed my usual Tuesday. I had a mountain of work. Almost literally, but not quite. I promise an update will be posted either late tonight or tomorrow morning.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hug some male friends.

-F.O.

Chapter 28: Who Can You Trust?

2009-02-17T11:19:00.005-05:00

Welcome to your weekly installment of wrestling fanfiction that I wrote in middle school. Today: Angel tries to sort out her feelings about Chris’s proposal by having three stupid interactions with three stupid people. My dialogue tags get a wee bit out of control in …

Chapter 28: Who Can You Trust?

“Hold still,” Angel chided while she bandaged Dustin’s left bicep.

“Ouch!” He cried as she bumped the wound. “Watch it, will you?”

“Sorry,” she muttered, clasping the bandage. “You’re done. Come back tomorrow if the pain starts up again.” Angel said in a lifeless voice.

“Thanks,” said Dustin, hopping off the examination table. “Hey, Angel, what’s with you today? You angry with me?”

“No Dustin, I’m sorry. I’ve just had a bad day. I shouldn’t take it out on you.” She sighed.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, thanks.” [gasp! Did she just refuse the chance to cry and overemote?]

“Allright then. Cheer up, huh?” he kissed her on the forehead and left.

Angel sunk down into the leather couch [wait. Now her office has a leather couch?!?] and pulled her hair from her ponytail, letting it flow over her shoulders. She glanced at the clock. 3:57. Her day was over. What a horrible day it had been. First her argument with Chris, then she nearly attacked Dustin for no reason [uhm, or you just kind of weren’t particularly gentle with his wounded bicep. It’s not like you took a scalpel to his face. Maybe next time try that.] and … now what, she thought as she got up to answer the knock at the door.

“Hey, Angelica.”

“Hi, Bobby,” she murmured.

“Chris told me what happened.”

Angel did not reply. She just looked at the floor.

“He wants to apologize.”

Angel’s face lit up in confusion.

“Why? He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“He thinks so.”

“Where is he? I need to talk to him.”

“Sulking in the locker room.” [oh GLORY.]

“Thank you, Bobby,” she said, hugging him warmly.

--------
Angel knocked softly on the locker room door. There was a light on in the far corner of the huge room. Chris was laying on a bench, hands behind his head, knees in the air. He looked as if he’d been crying […of course].

“Chris?”

He sat up when he heard her voice. “Hi, Angel,” he said in a shaky voice.

“Mind if I sit down?”

Chris shook his head. Angel sat close to him.

“Bobby talk to you?”

Angel nodded.

“Angel, I’m sorry. I truly am. I had no right to say what I did to you. Just the thought of losing you makes me …” his voice cracked and he broke off and turned his head away from her.

She handed him a tissue [HUZZAH!].

“Thanks.”

“Chris,” she began in a voice barely above a whisper. “Chris, don’t blame yourself.” She touched his shoulder lightly. “You had every right to say that to me, because I can’t deny it. I can’t. There’s still a little part of me that doesn’t trust anybody, not even you. I’ve just got to learn not to let that little part of me ruin my life. So please Chris, don’t ever blame yourself for that. With people like you and Bobby [wtf is he doing here?] in my life, maybe I’ll be able to defeat that little part of me, and then I’ll be ready to marry you. Please understand that, because if I ever lost you, I don’t’ know what I’d do either.” She let out a little sob and Chris turned to face her.

“I love you, Angel.”

“I love you too. More than I’ve ever loved anyone else.”

They embraced, heads on each others’ shoulders, tears still falling. A long while later, Angel stood. “I’ve got to go. Mrs. Camaletti’s pets are waiting.”

Chris sneezed. [LOL. Not.]

“Bless you.” Angel smiled and shook her head.

“Thanks.”

Angel held both of his hands and looked into his eyes. “One day, I’ll be ready. I promise.”

“I’ll be waiting. I’ll wait forever if I have to.”

“It won’t take that long,” she said, half-smiling. She kissed him with a new found passion, and then left for home.

NOTES:

1) Was there a point to that Dustin scene? Ok, I didn’t think so either.

2) Was there a point to that Bobby scene? Oh right, he had to inform Angel about Chris’s sulking locale. I’m sure she wouldn’t have checked the locker room.

3) So who thinks Angel and Chris will actually make it to the altar? I mean, he said he’d wait forever. That’s some patience. I’m sure he actually means it and wasn’t speaking figuratively.

4) That interaction between Chris and Angel (Changel?) might not have been too bad, if it weren’t for all the sobbing and clichés and the fact that Angel was there.

Alllllrighty then. We’ve got a good one on tap for next time. I know y’all miss Marie/Nightshade/plot contrivance as much as I do. And I’ll bet you’re thinking to yourselves: “Wowlions! It’s been too long since Angel has interfered in the Steiner Brothers’ lives. And how about some really useless dialogue to pad out the end of a chapter … and could you throw in a casual mention of one of Angel’s BFFs whom she inexplicably never talks to anymore?” Well you’re in luck! All are coming your way in …

Chapter 29: Mail.

Chapter 27: A New Proposal (part II)

2009-02-10T16:38:00.000-05:00

Chapter 27: A New Proposal (Part II)

When we last left Chris and Angel last Tuesday, he was on one knee and had asked her to be his bride. You’ve been patiently waiting all week … I can’t torture you any longer (except for the usual torture involved in reading this blog). Your wait is over in …

Chapter 27: A New Proposal (Part II)

“Angelica, will you marry me?”

“Chris … I … I can’t.”

“What?” he rose to a standing position.

“I can’t.”

“You … can’t?”

“No. Not now. I’m not ready.”

“Oh.” Chris put his head down and started for the door. “Okay.”

“Chris, where are you going?”

“The locker room.” He said without looking up.

Angel grabbed his shoulder. “Chris.”

He locked eyes with her.

“I love you. I’ll do anything for you. But I can’t marry you yet. I’m just … not ready. Please understand.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

“I get off work at 4:00. [what kind of wrestling card is this??] I’m going to Mrs. Camaletti’s at 6:00. Will you come?”

“Sure.” He lowered his eyes.

“Chris, don’t do this to me.”

“I’m sorry, Angel. I just need to think.” He turned to leave again.

“Chris.” Angel called back.

“Yeah?” he whirled to face her, tears gleaming in his eyes.

“You really understand?”

“Yeah, Angel.” His voice was quiet, angry, and hurt. “I understand. You don’t trust me. You think I’ll hurt you like Marty and Marcus did. You’re the one who needs to understand things better.”

Angel called after him, but he was already out the door.

Chris slammed the locker room door angrily behind him.

“Damn it!” he shouted, pounding a row of lockers. [gasp! He’s swearing?!? He must be angry. Or evil inside.]

Tex Slazenger and Shanghai Peirce cleared out quickly. [woah! I remember those guys! Mostly.]

Bobby Eaton rose from his seat and approached Chris. “Hey, calm down.” Bobby led Chris to a chair and they both sat.

“Should’ve told me that before.”

“What happened?” asked Bobby.

“I just totally blew up at Angel.”

Bobby arched his eyebrows. Chris never rose his voice to anyone. [uhm … he’s a wrestler. 90% of promos consist of shouting] And Angel was the last person he would be expected to yell at.

“She couldn’t go out tonight, so I proposed to her. She said she wasn’t ready. I … I don’t’ know what made me act the way I did, but I accused her of not trusting me. God, I feel like a jerk.”

Bobby squoze Chris’ shoulder. [in the manliest way possible]

“Everyone gets riled up sometimes.”

“I had no right to do that to her.” [Chris, calm down. You weren’t that out of control.]

“I’m sure she understands.”

“Are you always this optimistic?”

Bobby smiled but did not reply.

“So what should I do?”

“Talk to her.”

Chris pondered on this for a minute. [how much pondering does this take? It’s pretty simple advice.]

“Want me to talk to her first? See how she feels?” [oh for the love of PETE will you two stop acting like kids in middle school????]

“Would you?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks, Bob. I appreciate it.”

“Sure,” he said again. [compelling dialogue, as usual]

“I’m gonna hit he showers,” announced Chris, rising. [is that an invitation?]

“Seeya.”
--------------------------------------------------------

NOTES:

1) Bobby seriously irks me. I kind of want to throw acid on him. It’s hard for there to be a chapter where I hate someone worse than I hate Angel, but Bobby wins here.

2) I don’t know why, but I am highly amused by Chris’ reaction to Angel’s rebuff. To me, it sounds like: “Will you marry me?” “No.” “Ok, later.”

3) Of course she said no. I learned the hard way about writing myself into a corner. That being said, I remember being completely confused about where to go from here after I wrote this chapter. Wait ‘til you see the next roadblock I throw in front of their relationship. It’s overwhelmingly dumb.

Coming up next …
Angel yammers on and on and on to three different men about some crap. There is crying. Sounds good, no? See you next time for …

Chapter 28: Who Can You Trust?

Chapter 27: A New Proposal (part I)

2009-02-03T09:29:00.002-05:00

Welcome back, friends. So when we last left our characters, Angel casually informed Chris about her parents' tragic death and Bobby got in trouble with Arn for hugging Angel. Or whatever. Onward and foward:

Chapter 27: A New Proposal

“Hey, Bob, can I talk to you?” Chris asked, rising from his spot on the couch.

Bobby and Chris were hanging around in Chris’ hotel. [not a dressing room? Huzzah! But why does he have a couch in there? Is it a suite?] It was the second day of Bobby’s visit.

“Go ahead.”

“Well, actually, I want to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“Show you something, actually.”

“Chris, do you want to talk to me or not?” Bobby asked, laughing.

“Okay, Okay.” Chris reached into his back pocket. He pulled out a small velvet box and opened it for Bobby. A gorgeous diamond ring sparkled.

“Sorry, Chris, I’m already married.”

“What do you think?” asked Chris, completely missing one of Bobby’s rare jokes. [maybe because it wasn’t actually funny]

“It’s gorgeous.”

“Do you think Angel will like it?”

“Who wouldn’t? Are you sure you’re ready to get married, Chris?”

“I love her, Bob. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”

“It’s a big step.”

“I’ve thought about it for a long time. I’m ready.”

“Is she?”

“I hope so.”

“When are you going to ask her?”

“Tonight.”

“What if she says no?”

“Sheesh, Bobby! I can’t think about that now! Happy thoughts! I need happy thoughts!”

Bobby laughed softly.

“Bobby … will you be my best man?” [calm down, Hoss!]

“Chris, I’m honored, but you haven’t even asked her yet.”

“Well, I was a boy scout.”

“So?”

“I’m always prepared.” [lol. Not.]

“I should’ve known.”
============================

Angel groaned as she watched Steve Austin and Brian Pillman enter the ring on a little monitor in her office [watch those modifiers dangle!]. “Stunning” Steve and “Flyin” Brian were two of the most arrogant, annoying people she knew [pfft, whatever. They were awesome.] But, even though she despised them both, it was her job to help them, and Brian was going to need it.

About ¾ of the way through the match, Brian’s ankle made a loud popping sound. Angel cringed. Sounded like a break [expert medical training kicks in!]. He tagged in Steve, who finished off the opponents with a Stungun.

Angel buzzed for an ambulance because she knew Brian would need one. The break was probably the worst Angel had ever seen. Brian was screaming in pain. He was forwarded to the hospital. After signing all of the release forms, Angel said a little prayer for Brian [when did she become religious?] and cleaned up.

“Hey, Sunshine.”

Angel screamed.

“Geez, calm down. It’s only me.” Said Chris, walking over to Angel.

“Sorry, Chris. I’ve just been a little jumpy lately.” [Ok, this might be semi-not-unridiculous if we hadn’t seen this exact scenario play out twice already.]

He put both arms around her waist. “I’ll say. What are you doing tonight?”

“I promised Mrs. Camaletti I’d pet-sit.”

“Who’s Mrs. Calamari?”

“Camaletti. She’s my next-door neighbor. She always watches Wally, Floyd, and Fluffy for me. She’s going to visit her sister in Wisconsin this weekend, so I said I’d watch her pets for her. You’d be able to come over there, but I’m watching her dog and her three cats, Lilly, Tilly, and Milly.”

Chris sneezed suddenly. “I told you that just mentioning them makes me sneeze.”

“Well I never believed it until now. It’s probably just psychosomatic anyway.”

“You tell that to my nose.” Chris said without smiling.

“Hey, Chris, I was only joking. Don’t look so serious.”

“It’s not that, Angel.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s all Mrs. Kalamazoo’s fault.”

“Camaletti. And why?”

“I wanted to do it before Bobby left.”

“Do what?” asked Angel, mystified.

He took a deep breath and said, “This.”

He reached into his back pocket and drew out a small black velvet box. Chris dropped to one knee and held Angel’s hand.

“Angelica, will you marry me?”

… to be continued

NOTES:

1) I think I was worse at writing “comedy” than I was at writing “drama.” This is godawful.

2) I was wondering how the heck Angel could have pets. Wrestlers travel 300+ days a year. How can you leave two dogs and a cat alone so much? That’s some neighbor.

3) What was the point of that Hollywood Blondes match? Also, I was a huge fan of gory, violent fiction … how could I not have included more details about that broken ankle? How about some bones poking through the skin? The best I could muster was that Brian was screaming in pain? L.A.M.E.

COMING UP NEXT …

So Chris popped the question … am I writing myself into another corner? What will Angel say? Chris’ reaction to Angel’s answer is priceless. Tune in next time for … Chapter 27 part II!

Chapter 26: Back Home

2009-01-27T10:18:00.007-05:00

Well then ... if you're looking for some sort of follow-up to all of those life-altering secrets Angel revealed in the last chapter ... uhh ... sorry in advance for the disappointment. But if you're looking for the return of one of this story's least dynamic characters, then my friend, you will be richly rewarded. Buckle up tight for ...

Chapter 26: Back Home

After a night of terrifying nightmares, gruesome oens, replaying the death of her parents over and over again, Angel decided to head back home. [see? there was continuity.]

She flew straight to Atlanta [WTF? did she move AGAIN?], where the house show would be taking place. [house show = non-televised matches]

After straigtening up her office, she settled into a leather chair. [she has a leather chair in her office? what office? ... the infirmary? it has leather chairs?]
The cushion engulfed her. Giggling, she opened Homes and Other Black Holes by Dave Barry. There was a knock at her door. After a struggle to get out of the chair, she answered the knock.

"Bobby!" she exclaimed, gleefully hugging her visitor.

"Hey, Angelica." Bobby Eaton replied in the whisper-soft voice Angel had missed so much. [gak]

"What are you doing here?"

"Just visiting some old friends."

"How's Smoky Mountain?"

"Not bad." [compelling dialogue here]

"I'm glad. Chris'll be around later."

"How are you two?"

"Wonderful! He just came back from Japan."

"Can't wait to hear about it." [that makes all of us, Bob. Angel spent two entire chapters yammering about her tragic past] He set down his duffel bag.

"Marcus and I made up."

"What?"

"Well, I was sick of him being nasty to me, so I made up with him." [praise me for being selfless, Bobby!]

"You're amazing."

"Thank you." She laughed, flattered by his compliment.

"Arn called."

"He did?"

Bobby nodded.

"What did he say?"

"He just kind of wanted to put me down a little, rub some stuff in."

"I'm sorry," Angel touched his arm lightly.

"Thanks. I don't really mind." But it was obvious that he had. "Hey, Angelica, I've gotta go. Be back later." he gave her a kiss on the cheek and hugged her again.

"I knew I'd find you here, Eaton."

Angel and Bobby jumped.

"Arn!" Angel gasped. [Yay! Arn!]

"That's right. Live and in technicolor."

"Get out of my office!"

"Shut up, Blondie." Arn grabbed a handful of Angel's silky blonde hair.

"Ouch!" she shreiked as he pulled harder.

"Get your hands off of her," Bobby said quietly, but with force.

"Isn't that what Linda should be saying to you?" [SNAP!] Arn shouted, tugging at Angel's locks harder.

Bobby's usually even temper exploded. With as much force as he could muster, he landed a punch to Arn Anderson's jaw. Arn released Angel's hair and fell to the floor.

Her nurse's insticts kicking in, she took Arn's pulse. [did she think Bobby stopped Arn's heart with a punch to the jaw?]

"Is he okay?" asked Bobby.

"Yes."

Arn stood, holding his jaw. "You'll pay for this, Eaton." he muttered, staggering out.

"I can't believe I did that." Bobby marveled.

"I appreciate it."

"Did he hurt you?"

"No, thanks to you."

"I've never hit him outside of the ring before." he looked at his still clenched fist in wonder. "It felt wrong."

"It was right," she assured.

"I suppose. I've gotta go. You sure you're allright now?"

"I'm fine. Are you?"

"Yeah."

"See you later. Bobby ...?"

"Linda .... is she ...?"

"My wife." He finished.

"Oh."

Bobby picked up his duffel bag and left, closing the door behind him.

NOTES:

1) I heart Arn. You know, you'd think that my deep-seated hatred of faces ("good guys") like Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart would have translated into my fanfic. But no. I do have a few "heels" as main characters, but they all act like doofuses. And Angel is the most sickeningly facey face on the planet. And while I loathe her now, I simply adored her when I wrote this.

2) Yes, I read a lot of Dave Barry. I was pretty convinced that he was the height of wit. I still think his Book of Bad Songs is absolutely hilarious. But that's mostly because of my love for oldies.

3) Folks, I can tell by the handwriting that I'm getting older here. I'm going to guess that I'm at the tail end of 14 at this point. So I'm sorry if plots and dialogue get less stupid from here on out ... but ... uhm, you don't really have to worry too much about that. It's still stupid. We might not come across another "love means hates nothing about," but I've read ahead a bit, and I assure you that things are still rather unabashedly bad for quite a while.

Moving right along ...

In the next chapter, which is so long that I have to split it up some, Chris is ready to drop a bomb on Angel. No, alas, not literally. I'll let you take a guess from the title. His reaction to her reaction? Priceless. Join us next time for ...

Chapter 27 - A New Proposal (part 1)

Chapter 25: The Truth

2009-01-20T09:36:00.002-05:00

I knew y'all would be back after that intriguing cliffhanger. The snow is falling (where I live, at least) and there's an inauguration brewing ... what better way to celebrate both than with ...

Chapter 25: The Truth

A dam broke somewhere inside Angel [is it time to have the Detrol discussion?]. All of the tears she had been holding back rushed forward.

Chris pulled Angel to his chest and let her sob.

“Shh. Calm down. It’ll be okay, Angelica.”

“I’ve kept this in for so long, Chris.” [What? What? Oh, this is going to be good! There’s no way we’ll be disappointed by whatever this shocking revelation is!]

“You remember our first date when I told you about Marty?”

All of the feelings that had first filled her when she read the article telling of Marty’s move to the USWF entered her again. She had kept them down in a dark part of her mind for so long. The truth about Marty, the truth about Nightshade, known by no one but Marie and herself, would be told.

“Of course I remember it.” Chris said.

“I left out something. At the time, it seemed unimportant because you didn’t know who Marie was. But now that you do …”

“Only tell me if you want to, Angelica.” [I mean, this HAS to be serious. He’s calling her by her full name!]

“I need to, Chris.”

“Then go ahead.”

She sat up straight and wiped her eyes. This was going to be hard enough, crying wouldn’t help. Looking at her feet, she began. [Wow. What could it be? Did Marie tie her up and force her to watch as she and Marty took turns trashing all of Angel’s doo-wop 45’s? Did Marie and Marty collude to somehow exploit a secret, but debilitating, allergy Angel has? What? What?!?]

“The article had a photo with it. It was a picture of Marty kissing a woman named Magnificent Marie.”

“You mean …”

“Yes. The same Marie who had broken the heart of Mr. P and who is currently dating Scott Steiner stole Marty from me.” [ … And?]

“How can you be sure?”

“About a week after Marty left, I received a letter from Marie. I don’t remember exactly what she said in it, I think I burned it, but basically she called me a few names and told me that she finally got her revenge on me for stealing Mr. P.” [… And?!?]

“But if Marty loved you, why would he do that to you?”

“Who knows? She’s a beautiful woman. Marty was never that bright of a guy. She has incredible powers of manipulation.”

“How could she have been so sure that you’d read the article?”

“She probably told Marty to leave it where I would find it. Which I did.” [ … and …?}

“Why haven’t you told anyone else?” [because it’s completely stupid?]

“I couldn’t tell Mr. P., not after what she did to him. No one else knows about Marty, except for bobby, and he doesn’t know who Marie is. What worries me now is Scotty. Marie—there’s something wrong with her. She’s so revenge-crazed, even after all this time. What if she … I don’t even want to think about what she might do.”

There was a knock at the door. While Chris went to answer it, Angel washed her face.

“What’re you trying to do, Christopher? Lock us out?” bellowed a deep, jovial voice.

“Hi, Dad.” [Wait. Why don’t they have keys? It’s their house!!]

A large man, around sixty-five or so entered, He had graying black hair and piercing blue eyes.

“Where’s Nancy? Nancy!” he called. [ooh, wasn’t that Chris Benoit’s real life wife’s name? Yipes!]

A very small woman with light brown hair and soft brown eyes entered. She looked exactly like Chris.

“For Heaven’s sake, Pascal, you don’t have to shout! Oh, where are our manners? You must be Angelica. Chris has told me so much about you.”

“Don’t worry, most of it was good.” Chris’ Dad said as they shook hands.

Chris rolled his eyes but Angel laughed. It was easy to see where Chris got his sense of humor.

Dinner that night was delicious. Angel immediately liked Chris’ parents. After Nancy and Pascal Benoit went to bed, Chris and Angel stayed up to talk.

“You’re really close to your parents, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” Said Chris, smiling. “They’re the greatest. So when can I meet yours?”

Angel looked down. “I’m afraid that wouldn’t be possible.”

“Why not? Did they disown your or something?” He laughed.

“No.” She said quickly.

“Then what … oh.” He said, suddenly realizing what she meant. “I’m sorry. That was really stupid of me.”

“You didn’t know.”

“I should’ve …”

“It’s okay.”

“When?”

“When I was young. There was an accident. There was glass everywhere. And the blood, so much blood.” She shuddered.

“Shh. Don’t talk about it anymore. It’s over now.” He soothed.

“Right.” Said Angel, snapping out of her trance.

“You want some coffee or something?”

“No. I think I’ll go to bed now.” Said Angel, standing up.

“Sweet dreams, Sunshine.”

“You too.”

They kissed goodnight. But Angel’s dreams were far from sweet.

NOTES

1) Worst. Secret. Ever.

2) So Chris and Angel have been dating for months, but this is the first time she’s mentioned not only that both of her parents died when she was a child, but that she was there when the accident happened? Not to mention that this is the first time we are hearing about it? What in the what? I’ll bet you anything it’s just because I didn’t want to come up with any stories about Angel’s parents.

3) Also … how is that stupid secret about Marie and Marty somehow more emotionally damaging than the death of both of her parents???? Why is that secret "The Truth"??

4) I love how meeting Chris' parents was such a non-issue.

Coming up next …

Bobby returns, we have stuff rehashed again, and Arn is angry for no reason. Aww, I miss Arn. Join us for ...

Chapter 26: Back Home

Chapter 24: The Visit

2009-01-15T12:47:00.002-05:00

Welcome back to another installment of Unabashedly Bad, the website where I shake my head slowly at what a loser I was and you get to chuckle along. On today's docket: Angel and Chris have a useless conversation. Enjoy!

Chapter 24 – The Visit

Chris hugged Bret warmly [is there any other way any of the characters ever hug each other?] while Angel watched, still a bit stunned. She had met Bret in the WWF. He had been a close friend of Marty [when?], but Angel had never liked him.

Bret Hart just had a way of making her feel uncomfortable. He seemed cold and unfeeling, while maintaining an aura of haughtiness and superioriority [sic]. But if he was Chris’ friend, she would try to be as pleasant to him as possible.

“Bret, this is Angelica Kerris. Angel this is Bret Hart.”

“We’ve met,” Bret muttered.

“We worked together.” Angel said, looking at her feet.

Chris, possibly noting the tension between his girlfriend and his best friend, piped up, “Well, it’s time to get going, eh?” [wooo Canada!]

Chris and Bret talked during the ride almost nonstop. Angel didn’t mind all that much [how thoughtful of her]. She would be able to catch up with him when they got to Chris’ house.

Bret stopped at a large two story house painted white with a cherry red trim. There were numerous hanging white flowerpots containing clusters of red geraniums.

Angel, Chris, and Bret got out of the car. Angel’s heart immediately sank – she didn’t know Bret was coming with them!

“My parents aren’t here now, they should be back around 6:00,” said Chris.

“Well, in that case, I’ll be heading home. I just wanted to say hi to them. Bye Chris, keep in touch.” Bret hugged his friend. “See you, Angel.” They exchanged nods.

Bret hopped into his black Beretta [hawt!] and drove away. Angel breathed a sigh of relief.

Chris removed a key from his pocket and opened the front door. The inside of the house was warm and smelled like cinnamon.

“Nice house.”

“I’m kind of partial to it myself.” He took her coat and suitcase and put them in an upstairs bedroom.

“Something up with you and Bret, Sunshine?”

“Nothing important, Chris. We just never really got along.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but …” his voice fell.

“But what?” she whispered, leaning in close to him.

“Nothing.”

He kissed her. It was a sweet and long kiss.

“I missed you.”

“Me too.”

“Angel, in the letter you wrote me, you mentioned one of the Steiner Brothers. What was that all about?”

She looked away from him.

“Hey, Sunshine. If you don’t’ want to tell me, that’s fine.”

“It’s just hard to explain.”

“Take your time.” He picked up her hand again, a great comfort to Angel. [Will you excuse me? I’m going to go brew myself 30 gallons of espresso before I can continue transcribing this.]

She began her long, incredible story, from her friendship with Curt Hennig to the confrontation with Marie.

“Wow that sounds like a soap opera plot. Are you sure Marie isn’t your evil twin suffering from amnesia?” [how meta! Not.]

“Chris, Please.”

“I’m sorry, Angel. Are you okay with this?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do about Scotty.” [how about nothing, you blonde busybody?]

“Have he and Marie broken up?”

“I don’t know. I hope not. He’s such a sweet guy. What does he see in a shrew like Marie?” [Look, I mock myself a lot for this garbage, and believe me, I know that it’s deserved, but I’d just like to pat 13-year-old me on the head for using the word “shrew.”]

“Who knows?”

“I don’t understand. She said something that night that really upset me. She said that she couldn’t be all that bad because two of my best friends fell in love with her. It’s true, Chris!”

“So what, Angel? So what if two of your best friends fell in love with her? Why does it matter?” [FOR SERIOUS] Everyone has a different opinion. Now what’s really bothering you?”

“What?”

“I know you. Things like this usually don’t get to you.” [huh?]

“You’re right, Chris,” she said softly.

“What is it?” he cupped her chin and looked into her eyes. Tears filled them and she looked down.

She couldn’t hold the tears back any more. The truth would come out.

---

NOTES

1) Cliffhanger! Someone call R. Kelly!

2) I sincerely hate the nickname “Sunshine.” It’s not that I’m above using pet names. I myself call my husband “Slice” far more often than I ever use his real name (it rhymes with his last name.) I think I just sincerely hate Angel.

3) Of course they’re sleeping in separate bedrooms. To be fair, when we stay at my in-laws’ house, Slice and I have to sleep in separate bedrooms too. And we’re married. Don’t get me started.

What’s that? You can’t wait to see what the truth is? Well then, my friends, you won’t want to mix the next chapter, in which Angel rehashes her past AGAIN. Join us for …

Chapter 25: The Truth

Chapter 23: The Return

2009-01-09T14:16:00.002-05:00

Chapter 23: The Return

This chapter features some of the least witty witty repartee ever written. Enjoy!

--

Angel was both nervous and excited as she stepped off of the plane. She made her way to the waiting area outside Gate 27 where Chris said that he would meet her.

She was in Edmonton National Airport, where Chris said he would meet her. His flight from Japan was scheduled to land about an hour after Angel’s did. A friend of Chris’ family would be picking them up and bringing them to Chris’ house.

The hour passed slowly for Angel. Each minute dragged on, each second lasted an eternity. [the readers know how you feel]

Chris’ plane landed. The passengers were let out. There was an agonizing moment when she couldn’t see Chris. But then she found him. Their eyes met and his pace quickened until he almost broke into a run. He swept her up into his arms and twirled her in a full circle. Their lips locked.

“How was your trip?” They both asked at the same time. They both laughed.

“I’ve missed you so much, Chris.”

“I’ve missed you too.” [will someone wake me up when this chapter is over?]

They picked up Chris’ baggage, Angel filling him in on Marcus and their conversation yesterday.

“Where is your friend meeting us?”

“Near the entrance.” [… of the airport?]

“I’m so nervous about meeting your parents.”

“My Mom and Dad aren’t that scary. And very rarely do they actually eat visitors. And don’t believe the rumors about the JFK thing, cause they’re not true!”
Angel giggled. “No, I’m worried that they’ll think I’m like this horrible person and forbid me to ever be within 10 miles of you.” [cross your fingers, Chris]

“You’ve got nothing to worry about, Sunshine. You are the sweetest, smartest, prettiest, wittiest, nicest, most gorgeous woman in the world, and besides, my parents don’t think.”

“What?”

“Just kidding. They think most of the time.”

Chris grabbed and invisible microphone and spoke in an announcer’s voice. “And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your entertainment, Christopher Pascal Benoit and the lovely Angelica Kerris will attempt to get through the hoardes of travelers to the dunt dah dah … Entrance! A feat never before attempted before such a large audience.” [I think Jim Carrey was rather popular at this point in time. I knew a guy who did stuff like this. It was funny when I was 13. If my husband, a man roughly the age I put Chris at here, tried it, he’d get stuffed onto the luggage carousel.]

A few people stared at them, one guy clapped, others laughed.

“Pascal?” Angel commented.

“Dad’s name. What’s your middle name?” Chris asked as they neared the entrance.

“I hate it.”

“Interesting name.”

“I’m not telling.”

“C’mon, I’ll be your best friend.” He pleaded.

“No.” she smiled.

“How bad can it be?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Oh, but I do!” he said playfully.

“No.”

“Then let me guess.”

“Fine, but you will never get it.”

He thought for a few seconds, then shouted “Gertrude!”

“Nope.”

“Hortenz?”

“Try again.”

“Umm … Drucilla?”

“I wish.”

“Rumplestiltskin.”

“Bingo!”

“You’re kidding.”

“Yup.”

He groaned.

“Believe me, Chris. You’ll never guess.”

“Then tell me.”

“Only on one condition.”

“Anything!”

“You will never, ever, ever speak it again.”

“Deal.”

“Christiabelle.” [Whaaaaaaaaaat? Wasn’t it Elizabeth? Wasn’t there a major “plot” point about how she hated her middle name? Wasn’t there an actual chapter title “middle names” that specifically … oh, nevermind]

“Christiabelle?”

“I warned you.”

“Sorry … Christiabelle.”

“Chris …” her voice rose.

“Okay, okay. Hey, nice initials.”

“I know, don’t remind me.”

“Ack! Ack! Ack!” he sang. [dude, is he 12? Seriously. Actually, wait, my husband would do this.]

“Oh, dear. Something new to tease me about.”

“You know I don’t mean any of it. I love you Christia…. I mean Sunshine.”

“I love you too, Melvin.”

“Melvin?”

“Just being creative.”

They arrived at the entranceway. Chris scanned the crowd of people. He recognized someone and exclaimed: “Bret!”

It couldn’t be, thought Angel. But it was. Bret Hart. No one will ruin my visit, not even conceited, obnoxious, unfriendly Bret Hart. At least she hoped so.

NOTES:

1) Bret Hart? Yeah, he was one of my least favorite wrestlers when I was younger. Mostly because I hated the good guys. And it’s true that Bret Hart and Chris Benoit were friends in real life …. I think Chris even trained in Stu’s dungeon … but … uhm … what is he suddenly doing in this story? Why couldn’t it have been someone I had mentioned at least once before, like Shawn Michaels or even Al the Janitor? What’s that? It’s because this is crap? Oh yeah, thanks for the reminder.

2) POLL! Worst couple? Candidates: Marty and Anjel, Marcus and Angel, Chris and Angel, Dustin and Alex, Scott and Marie, Brutus and Laurie, and Mr. P. and Nightshade. 7 way tie?

COMING UP NEXT ...

There's stupid tension between Angel and Bret. Angel doesn't ask Chris one thing about his trip from Japan and instead blathers on about her own non-problems. Sound good? See you next time for ...

Chapter 24: The Visit

Chapter 22: Forgive, but Don't Forget (part 2)

2009-01-08T09:26:00.003-05:00

Angel spent the first half of this chapter writing a useless letter to Chris. Now we get to witness her intense confrontation with Marcus. I guarantee disappointment in the thrilling conclusion to ...

Chapter 22: Forgive, but Don't Forget (Part 2)

Angel took a deep breath and knocked on Marcus Bagwell’s dressing room door. [we’re back to everyone having his/her own dressing room?] This wasn’t going to be easy.

Marcus opened the door. He saw Angel and nearly slammed it on her, but she stopped him.

“Wait! Marcus, I want to talk to you.”

“What?” he asked impatiently.

“I … I’m sorry.”

“What?” his voice raised about 8 octaves. [impressive]

“Can I come in?”

“I guess.”

Angel stopped into the dressing room. Scorpio was sitting on a folding chair in the back. He got up when he saw Angel.

“Hey, Angel. I’ll be in the gym, Marc.”

“Bye Scorpio.”

“Be down soon,” he called.

“Look, Marcus, I’m sorry for reacting so harshly when you tried to apologize to me.”

“Angel, none of this is your fault. Just seeing you again, just talking to you again, makes me realize what a fool I’ve been. Angel, what I did to you was the most foolish thing I’ve ever done. I loved you. I still love you, Angel.” He took her hand.

Angel was speechless. [probably because he’s not crying yet]

“Will you consider taking me back?” he asked.

“I … Marcus, you turn my friends against me, and now you want me back?”

“I’m sorry! Can’t you see how much I need you?”

“Marc, I’m in love with Chris. I can’t take you back.”

“I understand.” [that was quick]

“Good. Look, I’ve got to go. Take care, OK?”

“Sure.”

Angel left hurriedly. Marcus had totally surprised her. She figured that he’d just accept her apology, maybe apologize to her, then she’d leave and they could possibly be friends. She definitely had another thing coming to her. Now all she wanted to do was be with Chris. She missed him so much! Tomorrow seemed like a far star in the distance.

NOTES:

1)Marcus ... can't you just count your blessings that you got out while the getting was good? Go blow dry your hair and make out with someone.

2) As inconceivable as 97% of this blog is, I've totally encountered undumpable guys. Why don't people just take a hint? If someone wants to break up with you, just have the grace to let them. Would you really want to be with someone you have to talk into dating you??? Also, someone should have told me this when I was 16, because I did it too.

COMING UP NEXT ... Angel meets Chris at the airport and engages in some of the least witty repartee ever written. Join us next time (mayhaps tomorrow) for ...

Chapter 23: The Return

Chapter 22: Forgive, but Don't Forget (part 1)

2009-01-06T12:31:00.004-05:00

When we last left Angel, she was reeling from two horrific events: the Appaling Behavior of Marcus, who told a scandalous lie to all of the other wrestlers, and the Shocking News that Scott's girlfriend Marie was actually her old arch-nemesis, Nightshade. The horror, the horror! What's that? You missed it? Never fear. Angel recaps it all unnecessarily in a letter to Chris.

Chapter 22: Forgive, but Don't Forget

Dear Chris,

Only one more week until you come home -- I can't wait. [unless international mail was a lot faster in 1993, I'm pretty sure this letter will arrive after he gets home] How are you doing? You don't know how lonely this place is without you here. I miss you so much!

Anyway, how have things been in the Land of the Rising Sun? Things here have been pretty awful. First all of my friends deserted me. I had no idea why until I talked to Dustin who informed me that Marcus spread a rumor that I had broken up with him to get to you. "He makes me sick," was my first reaction. But then I thought about it for a while. What had I ever done to him to make him so mad? After all, it was he who had been cheating on me. Thinking back on the confrontation we had, I realized how hard I'd been on him. Now, I know what you're thinking. Angel, are you nuts? First you hate him, now you almost feel sorry for him???

Sorry, Chris, I can't help it. I'm as soft hearted as I am soft in the head (Ha!) [Like ha ha. Not].

There's something else that happened here. This is very upsetting to write about, so I'll be concise. You know Scott Steiner, right? I've been friends with him for a while and he's raved to me about his girlfriend Marie so I agreed to meet her. When I did, she turned out to be a woman from my past. It was horrible. I'll tell you when I get back, okay?

Anyway, don't want to bring you down anymore than I already have. Write me back - soon! I love you, Chris.

Your Forever,
Sunshine [oh gross]

Chris re-read the letter Angel had written him. Angel was too good sometimes. Marcus nearly destroys her life [um, how does he get that idea from this stupid letter?] and she's ready to make up with him?

Chris popped a Frankie Valli CD into his portable player. [aww yeah] Singing along to his new favorite song "Little Angel" [oh GLORY] he tried to figure out who this woman from Angel's past could be. He'd be home in 2 days, then he'd ask her about it.

---

NOTES:

1) What was the point of this letter? I was the only person who read this ... why did I think I needed to recap the last two chapters for myself? Also, I loathe Angel.

2) "Little Angel" is beyond a B-side. I was such a dork. So is whoever made this. See, I'm not alone. Pfft, and I thought I had to make up people as nerdy as me.

COMING UP NEXT:

Angel confronts Marcus about his Heinous Deed. Marcus acts like one of several complete psychos I have dated throughout my life. Foreshadowing? Tune in next time (I'm thinking Thursday) for ...

Forgive, but don't Forget (Part II)

Chapter 21: A Surprise

2009-01-01T15:44:00.004-05:00

Sorry for the long delay between chapters. I was visiting the family for the holidays. I never have a problem with overeating during the holiday season. This is not necessarily by choice. My parents are a strange breed of folk who only eat one meal a day (dinner). Thus, there is no food available for either breakfast or lunch. The fridge and pantry only contain dinner ingredients. So unless I want to chow down on raw beef, onions, or cornstarch, I pretty much just starve.

But I digress. We now return to the trials and tribulations of Angel n' friends. This one’s gonna take us back, folks. Don’t worry if you’re not completely familiar with the pre-WCW portion of Angel’s saga … she rehashes it for you. But if you’re a new reader and are interested in the older stuff, it’s all waiting for you in the archives.

So … what better way to start off the new year than with A SURPRISE? What’s the surprise, you ask? Oh, I’m not spoiling it for you. It spoils itself by being so sucktacular.

Chapter 21: A Surprise

The telephone rang. Angel screamed. She was reading Pet Sematary (for the 3rd time) in a hotel in Michigan. She put down the book and answered the phone.

“Ang! What’s wrong?” [wait … didn’t we all laugh at this “hilarious” scenario a mere two chapters ago?]

“Nothing. I was just reading Pet Sematary. How are you, Scotty?”

“Fine, thanks. How’d you know it was me?” [maybe she could hear your muscles bulging over the phone.]

“You’re the only man who calls me Ang. What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you were free today.”

“Yeah, why?”

“I’d like you to meet Marie.”

“Oh! I’d love to! Only I don’t have much in the way of transportation.” [? How did she get to her hotel? How is she planning on leaving her hotel? ]

“No prob! I can pick you up. You’re staying in the Silver Lake Hotel, right?”

“How’d you know?”

“WCW always stayed there in Michigan. Don’t ask me why.”

“Ok. I’ll wait in the lobby.”

“How about 1:00?”

“Sounds great.”

(Scotty and Angel are in Scott’s car, driving to Marie’s house) [seamless transition! Seamless!]

“So, Scotty, what’s Marie like?”

“Oh, she’s really nice, and she’s so smart. She also happens to be beautiful.” [wait … did someone clone Angel?]

“Sounds perfect. What’s she look like?”

“She’s got shoulder-length black hair and these really bright green eyes. They’re incredible.”

They spent the rest of the drive chatting casually about just about everything.

They arrived at Marie’s home. It was fairly large, with a stucco finish.

Scott used a key to open the door. The interior was lovely, the floors were covered in thick cream colored carpeting and the rest of the room was a light coffee color.

“Marie, hon, we’re back. Come meet Angelica.”

An attractive woman stopped into the room. She looked incredibly familiar to Angel. Then it hit her.

Marie also immediately recognized Angel. No one spoke. The two women stared at each other with a mixture of hate and shock in their eyes.

“Nightshade.” whispered Angel.

“Angel” Marie whispered back [I’ll bet she pronounced it with a “j”]

“You two know each other?” Scott asked tentatively.

“Oh, we know each other all too well,” said Marie.

“Wait a minute. What’s going on? Who’s Nightshade?”

“So how many other names have you got, Sunny?”

“You little bi--.”

“Stop it!” Scott interrupted. “Now you two just cool down and tell me what’s going on.”

Since Marie remained silent, Angel began.

“This is Sunny Tyler, AKA Nightshade, AKA Marie Haven. She was a manager in the WWF where I used to work. She, Bobby Heenan, and my then best friend, Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig all worked for Ric Flair. Mr. P fell in love with her, and after a time [6 hours], she fell in love with him. Then one day, Ric Flair and Marty Jannetty, whom I managed, had a match. At the end of the match, as I was helping Marty onto a stretcher, she whomped me on the back of the head with a pair of brass knuckles. From what Mr. P told me, he and Nightshade here got into a huge fight, and she left him heartbroken. Later, she sent him a letter sprayed with a perfume he was terribly allergic to. If I hadn’t heard him sneezing and thrown away the letter, who knows what would have happened to him.”

Scott was in a state of utter disbelief. “Marie?”

“Curt told you half of it, my dear, he must’ve left out the fact that I was only doing my job and that he broke my heart. Up until then he was the only man I had ever loved, and then I found out that he was running around with you!”

“Running around with me? We were best friends, we never did so much as hold hands!! And anyway, what gave you the right to send him that note? God knows what you could have done to him!”

“I would take that back if I could, but I can’t.”

“Look, Marie, or Sunny, or whatever, we’ve had our problems in the past, and don’t think that I’m about to forgive you right now, but let’s put this fight on hold for Scotty’s sake, OK?”

“Deal.”

“Scotty, are you allright?” Angel would have liked to clasp his hand or squeeze his shoulder, but she did not for fear of angering Marie.

“What happened to you after you left the WWF, Marie?” he asked, eyes shut tightly.

“I was heartbroken. I changed my lifestyle, moved to Michigan, and changed my name – legally.” She eyed Angel. “After a while, I met you, Scott, and I fell in love again.”

Scotty opened his eyes – there were tears forming in the corners. [huzzah!] “You told me I was the first.”

“You were.”

“You never … ”

“No.”

He sighed, almost a sigh of relief. “I don’t believe this.” He whispered.

“Believe it, Scott,” said Marie. “And you believe this, Angel. I may not seem to be the most likeable person in the world, but obviously I can’t be all that bad if two of your best friends fell in love with me.”

Angel made no reply.

“Have you ever been in love, Angel?” she asked with an edge to her voice.

“Yes.” Angel responded quietly.

“I’m surprised. You’ve got the looks to have just about anyone. Why waste your time on love?”

Angel narrowed her eyes. “Do you honestly think I’m like that?” Angel’s voice was low and dangerous.

“You don’t want to know what I honestly think of you.”

“I don’t’ have to take this. Especially not from you.” She turned to Scott. “I’ll be in the car, Scott. I’m sorry you had to be a part of this.” A tear slid down her cheek, and she ran out of Marie’s house to Scotty’s car.

About ten minutes later, Scott opened the driver side of his car door [huh?] and started the engine.

“There are tissues in the glove compartment.” He said.

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“Are you OK?”

She nodded. “Are you?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m still kind of shocked, I guess. How long were you and Marie in the WWF together?”

“About 6 months. Scott, I hope you don’t mind, but I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, allright?”

“Sure, Ang.”

They spent the rest of the drive home in silence. Scott pulled up to Angel’s hotel.

“Thanks for the ride, Scott. I’m so sorry about what happened tonight. I hope you two work things out.”

Scott kissed Angel on the cheek. “Don’t blame yourself, Angel. This ain’t noone’s fault, and Marie and I will be OK.”

“I hope so.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll try.”

“Ang?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t cry anymore, huh?”

“Okay.” She managed a little smile to ease his concern. “Keep in touch.”

“You got it.”
------

NOTES:

1) What the heck did Marie do that was all that bad? She punched Angel in the head during a freaking wrestling match and then pulled what basically amounted to a practical joke on Mr. P. I don’t really see why she had to quit her job and change her name. Also … I don’t really blame her for thinking that he and Ang were more than “best friends.” If my husband had a female friend who was as free with the hugs and “light kisses” as Angel, I might be a little suspicious. Then again, if my husband cried as often and as easily as any of my characters, we probably wouldn’t have made it to the altar in the first place.

2) Notice how Marie swears to Scott that he’s been her one and only between the sheets. If we revisit this chapter, we will find that she proclaims herself to be a Jezebel. Was she lying then or is she lying now? Or is this simply further evidence of my ineptitude as a writer? Hmmm. At any rate, any character who hates Angel is a winner in my book. Keep on keepin’ on, Nightshade.

3) The Delgado Hotel? The Cascade Inn? Silver Lake Hotel? Why didn’t anyone ever stay in a Super 8?

COMING UP NEXT …

Angel shares all of her recent troubles with Chris in a sickeningly sweet letter and then confronts Marcus about that crap he pulled in chapter 20. Intrigued? Then join us next time for … Chapter 22: Forgive, but don’t forget.

Chapter 20: Abandoned

2008-12-23T09:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I promised one today and you're getting one today. Hope this doesn't dampen anyone's holiday spirits. Take a deep breath for ...

Chapter 20: Abandoned

Teusday [why couldn’t I spell this word?] came and went. Chris was halfway around the world, and Angel was lonely. First Bobby, then Madusa, now Chris. And if things weren’t bad enough, her other friends, Sting, 2 Cold Scorpio, Ricky Steamboat, and even Dustin seemed to be avoiding her. She would greet Sting in the hall and receive no more than a nod. Her conversations with Ricky were brisk and abrupt, and Scorpio simply ignored her. [anyone here blame them? anyone?]

She did not want to mention any of this to Chris for fear of bringing him down. He was having a great time in Japan, and she wouldn’t want to spoil it for the world.

There was a pretty big card tonight. Sting versus Sid Vicious, Dustin Rhodes versus Rick Rude, and numerous others.

In Sting’s match, he sustained a broken finger. She gave him a splint and wrapped it painstakingly. He muttered a thanks and left quickly.

Through the rest of the night wrestlers who were supposedly her friends continued to avoid her and even give her nasty looks at times.

She was very upset by now. All of her friends were either gone or mad at her for some unknown reason. She couldn’t think of why any of them – much less all of them –could be angry at her. She needed someone to talk to – the only problem was that there was noone she could talk to.

The card ended, and Angel was still clueless as to why the world had it in for her. Figuring she still might have a friend in Dustin, she knocked on his dressing room door.

He opened his door and his expressioned [sic] darkened when he saw her.

“Angel, I’m busy, come back later, OK?”

“Please, Dustin, I need to talk to you.” Tears were close.

He made no reply, only looked away.

“Why is everyone doing this to me?” she cried. Tears slid down her cheeks and she turned away from him. “Why won’t anyone talk to me?” she proceeded to leave but Dustin grabbed her shoulder.

“You really don’t know, do you?”

She shook her head.

“Angel, Marcus told us why you two broke up.”

“What do you mean? You already know how we broke up.” She was confused.

Dustin paused to think.

“What did Marcus tell you?”

“He said that … Oh, Angel, I’m so sorry for believing him.”

“What did he say?” her voice was less kind now, Anger boiled insider of her. She didn’t think she’d ever felt more hate in her life for anyone than she did right now for Marcus [wow].

“Marcus told us that you had broken up with him because you were tired of him and wanted Chris.” [seriously? That was it? Seriously?!?]

“Angel had a feeling that Dustin was softening Marcus’ words.

“Please forgive me, Angel. I never should have believed that you would do something like that. [like what???] Angel, Angel. You Okay?”

“I’m just fine.” She said through clenched teeth. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “I’m not angry with you, Dustin.” She said noticing Dustin’s look of worry. He eased at her words. “It’s that … that … poor excuse for a human being, Marcus.” [ouch!]

“Calm down, Angel.”

“Calm down!!?!! CALM DOWN! You expect me to calm down after the hell that jerk has put me through?” [Angel said the H word! She must be mad!]

“What’re you doing to do about Marcus?”

“Nothing.”

“What!?!”

“Once Marcus sees that all of my friends and I are together, he’ll know that his plan failed, and anyway, revenge is useless.”

Dustin shook his head. “You’re an incredible lady, Angelica Kerris.” [gak]

Angel smiled faintly. “Thanks, Dustin. But I’ve still got a problem.”

“What?”

“You’re my only friend left in this world.” [overdramatize much?]

“Don’t worry. I’ll fix that. I’ll broadcast your innocence over the radio if I have to.”

In a few hours, Dustin reclaimed all of Angel’s friends for her. She wanted to repay him in some way, but he insisted that she could just call it even for all of the times she had helped him.

NOTES:

1) Oh wow. Wow wow wow wowwity wow wow. WOW.

2) Sid Vicious! Before he was Sid Justice and Sycho Sid. Good times. I remember reading that in his WM 13 match against the Undertaker he crapped his pants. I googled it and found this website. Sooo awesome: http://sidcrapspants.ytmnd.com/

Coming up next …

We revisit Angel’s tortured past in …

Chapter 21: A Surprise

Chapter 19: The Letter

2008-12-22T10:14:00.004-05:00

Whee! The holidays are upon us. I'll be posting one today, one tomorrow, and then nothing for about a week. Got to go visit the family and whatnot. So today's may be short, but tomorrow's will make up for it ... because it's really, really stupid.

Excelsior!

Chapter 19: The Letter

It had been almost a month since Bobby and Madusa had left. Angel was sitting in her house, reading Nightmares and Dreamscapes, Stephen King's latest novel. The phone rang and she screamed.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sunshine! Why so out of breath?"

"Chris! I was just erading this story about living teeth, and the phone frightened me."

"A story about what?"

"Nevermind. What's up?"

"Guess what!"

"What?"

"I got a letter today from All Japan Wrestling. THey want me to go on a 3 week tour!"

"That's great!!! But what'll I do without you?"

"Don't worry, it's only 3 weeks. I'll call you every day."

"Oh Chris, I'm so happy for you!"

"I leave on Tuesday."

"Oh, go ahead and dampen my good spirits."

"I just did."

"Can you come over tonight?"

"Depends. Where are you?"

"Biloxi, Missouri, I think." [??? I thought she was home]

"Great! Me too! I'll come by after tonight's card."

"I'll be watiing"

"What hotel are you staying at?"

"Cascade Inn. [that sounds like a place on the side of the road where you can pay by the hour.] Chris, if you haven't the faintest idea where I am, then how in the world did you get my number?"

"Through the WCW Front Offices. THe seceratary is my cousin's friend."

"The weird one?"

"Yup. Well, get back to the terrible teeth. The dreaded dentures. The chaotic chompers, the ..."

"I get the point."

"Love you, Sunshine."

"I love you too, Chris."

---

NOTES:

1) So Angel’s reading Nightmares and Dreamscapes? What a coincidence! I was reading the same thing at the time! This makes it the fall of 1993. I am 13 at this point and had been reading King since I was 9. Yes, I started reading Stephen King when I was in fourth grade. My mother recommended them to me. I had a lot of trouble sleeping. But, on the plus side, it toughened me to the point where scary movies and books have very little effect on me these days. I can’t say the same for my husband, who actually hugged a ticket taker out of fear after watching 28 Weeks Later. Well then … back to Angel. What is she doing reading this? I really see her as more of a Nora Roberts fan. Unless Nora Roberts writes salacious stuff. I wouldn't know.

2) So this was a short chapter, but not a useless one ... I needed to get Chris off the scene for a little while, because I had no clue what to write about if it involved a happy couple (hence Marty's persistent flu), but it couldn't be anything too drastic.

3) Don't even try to understand why Angel is home but not, that they are in the same city but different hotels, that one is working but one is not, and that neither of them knows where the other is. It's not worth it.

COMING UP NEXT:

Contrivance, revenge, dumb crap, shouting in ALL CAPS, platonic hugs, tears, and garbage ... tune in tomorrow for ...

Chapter 20: Abandoned

Chapter 18: Monday's Card

2008-12-16T10:06:00.002-05:00

Welcome back, fearless and iron-stomached readers. I've got some free time on my hands, therefore you've got ...

Chapter 18 – Monday’s Card

“Hey, Ang,” greeted Madusa, walking through Angelica’s door in a stunning blue sequined evening gown.

“Hey, Duce. What’s up? You look fabulous.”

“Thanks!” Madusa turned in a circle to show off her dress. “I bought it especially for tonight. Rick’s got a big match tonight.”

“Oh. What’s Paul E. up to now that Bobby’s gone?” (Bobby Eaton was a priemier member of the Dangerous Alliance).

“To be honest, the Alliance is falling apart. First Arn, now Bobby. He was good friend of yours, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah. I miss him.”

“I never really knew him that well. He never really liked me, so I never really liked him. He saw me as a glorified valet [as opposed to what you actually were, which was … uhm … a glorified valet]. I didn’t like that either, but most people I knew said that he was really nice.”

“He was.”

Madusa looked up at the clock, then exclaimed: “Oh! Ang, I’ve got to go! Talk to you later.” She gave her friend a hug, then ran out.

The card came to its final 2 matches. Marcus Alexander Bagwell and 2 Cold Scorpio would take on Chris Benoit and Stunning Steve Austin. 10 minutes before the match, Chris popped into Angel’s office.

“Hey, Sunshine.” Chris greeted, using the nickname he had recently given her [oh, barf].

“Hey Chris.” They kissed and clasped each other’s hands.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Nuttin’ honey.” She said with a smile [remember those commercials?] “Kicking butt tonight?”

“You bet. Me and Steve against Scorpio and Marcus.”

With the mention of Marcus, Angel frowned.

“Don’t worry, Ma’am.” Said Chris in a Southern Drawl. “After I take to ‘im, I’ll reckon he won’t be botherin’ you no more.” [I take back what I said about liking Chris a little]. He tipped an imaginary hat to her.

She laughed and kissed him goodbye, telling him to be careful.

--

The match was long and grueling. Any time Chris was hit, Angel cringed. He and Steve won the match, both unscathed. But Marcus’ story was different.

Chris loved Angel more than anyone else in the universe, so anyone who hurt her was better off dead. Angel noted that even the announcers, Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura, thought Chris was overly aggressive towards Marcus.

“Marc, Man, that ankle looks sprained. You’d better see the nurse,” said Scorpio, helping Marc to his feet.

“No way,” said Marcus through clenched teeth. With the help of 2 Cold, he stood. His ankle throbbed and he nearly fell again.

“What?”

“I said, No Way! Angel’s on duty.”

“Marcus, just ‘cuz of what happened …”

“No way. I’m fine.” He hobbled back to his dressing room.

“Fine man, your body. What’s up with that guy Chris? Man, he’s got somethin’ against you.”

Marcus grimaced in pain. “Angel’s new boyfriend.” He spat out the words in disgust.

“Can’t you let go of her, man? It was your fault you guys broke up anyway.” [seriously]

“I know that. But I begged her forgiveness. I told her that I loved her. And what did she do? She threw me out!”

Scorpio sighed and shook his head. Sometimes his best friend disgusted him. [take a number]
--

Angel watched in horror and disbelief as yet another one of her best friends departed the federation. Paul E. Dangerously fired Madusa. First, he insulted her, and the entire female race, then he fired her, then she planted a savate kick to the back of his skull.

NOTES:

1) Re: Madusa and Paul E. - Yes, this was an actual storyline, down to the savate kick. I ate it up. I even wrote her some fan mail telling her that she was my hero. I never heard back from her … perhaps that is why I decided she needed to exit, stage fired. Ta-ta, Angel’s one and only female friend. I’m sorry you never got your share of tears and hugs. Also, Paul E. Dangerously lived in Edgemont, NY, which wasn’t far from where I grew up. I looked him up in the phone book and occasionally left messages on his answering machine. Not a lot of messages … I didn’t want to be a nuisance. Just one a month or so. I don’t really remember what I said in them … I’m sure they were immensely witty, though.

2) Marcus. Dude. Get over it. You are better off without her.

Ok, so you’re probably wondering where all of this Marcus crap is headed. It’ll take 2 chapters for us to get there, but get there we will. Imagine the stupidest, least dramatic revenge you can think of. Now make it stupider and less dramatic. Now you’ve got an inkling. But first ….

I need a way to get Chris out of the picture temporarily. How does this happen? Find out in … chapter 19 – The Letter.

Chapter 17: A Departure

2008-12-12T13:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday's chapter was so lame that I feel like I owe y'all one today. That and I have a sinus infection and don't feel like doing work.

As a result, today you get to enjoy the return of effusive tears and overzealous hugging in ...

Chapter 17: A Departure

"She loves me, Bobby. She said so last night. I've never been this happy before. It's the most incredible feeling in the world," said Chris jubilantly. [seriously, how many guys say things like this to other guys?]

"That's great." Bobby was sincere, but his voice was distracted.

"Soemthin' up, Bob?" asked Chris, using a favorite expression. [?]

"Hmm? Oh, no. Sorry. It really is great."

"Everything allright?"

"Yeah. No. Listen, Chris. Do you know Jimmy Cornette?"

"From Smoky Mountain Wrestling?"

"Yeah. We've been friends for as long as I can remember. Well, he, uh ... he asked me to rejoin my old partner Stan Lane and be a member of his Heavenly Bodies."

"Wow. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. You and I have come so far. We can go for the titles. But a chance to get back with Stan and Jim. Well, it's up to you Chris."

"Bobby, this is your decision, your career, your life! Why ask me, eh?" [look, he's Canadian!]

"You're my partner. This is your career too."

"Well. What do you want to do?"

"Would you mind at all if I went with Jimmy? Because if you do then ..."

"Then by all means, go with Jimmy."

"Really?"

"Sure."

"This means a lot to me, Chris. Thank you."

They shook hands and hugged warmly.
---

About 2 weeks later, the papers were signed. In another week, Bobby would be a Smoky Mountain wrestler. There was only one problem. He had put off telling Angelica, probably his best friend, that he was leaving. [how was this not his first priority?!]. He would miss her more than anyone else. How could he break it to her?

Bobby knocked on the door of Angelica's infirmary. She opened her door. [I've mastered this segue] He couldn't bear to look at the bright smile she almost always wore.

"Why so glum, Bobby?" asked Angel, expression darkening.

"No reason."

"I know you better than that. Now if you dont' want to talk, just say so, but don't say nothing is wrong."

"I think you know me better than I do."

"I wouldn't go that far. So what's up?"

"Angelica ... I ... uh ... I don't know how to put this. I'm moving to Smoky Mountain Wrestling on Tuesday."

"You're leaving? In 2 days?"

"Yeah."

"Bobby! You're my best friend! How could you just leave?"

"Hey, Angelica, this is my career."

"You don't have to get defensive [uhm, you don't have to shout, either]. This is such short notice. Didn't they tell you before that you were being moved?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I ... I couldn't?"

"Why not?"

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"It hurts now."

"It hurts me too."

Angel turned away from him, her lip quivering, tears brimming in her eyes.

"I dont konw what to say, Angelica, I made a mistake. I should've told you before. It was just that ... I was afraid I'd hurt you, and I'm hurting you even more now. Oh Angelica ... I can't ..."

Bobby turned his back to Angelica's. He felt the tears sting. A little sob escaped.

"Oh, Bobby, don't," said Angel softly. She went over to him and wrapped her arms around him.

"I never meant to hurt you," he whispered.

"I know. It's just such a shock." They embraced for a long time, silent tears falling from both of ther eyes. [hurl. also, this wording makes it sound like they both each possess one eye.]

"I love you, Bobby."

"I love you too, Angelica," Bobby whispered.

For the next two days, Angel and Bobby were inseperable. When it was time for Bobby to leave, they promised to keep in touch. In teh days following, Chris and Angel comforted each other. They had both lost a good friend. [WTF? he's not effing dead!]

NOTES:

1) Smoky Mountain Wrestling! Before it was just a developmental league for WWF, SMW was a small indie federation based in Tennessee. I liked Jim Cornette and his tennis racquet quite a bit. Wikipedia suggests that I've got my chronology wrong re: Chris and Bobby's tag team career and Bobby's jump to SMW, but I'll just chalk that one up to artistic license.

2) Why is moving such a monumental tragedy to these people? Staying in touch is not impossible. Although, judging by the fact that Angel never mentions--let alone calls, writes, or telegrams--her old BFF Mr. Perfect suggests that moving to a new federation is indeed akin to death.

3) How did Angel not get any inkling about Bobby leaving in 2 weeks? Didn't Chris mention something in one of their all-night talking/oldies-listening/not making out sessions? I think these two have a serious communication issue.

Well then ...

I'll bet you're wondering what would happen if Chris faced Marcus in a match. What's that? You're sure it's going to be dramatic, intense, and action-packed? Uhh ... keep wondering ... and tune in next time for ...

Chapter 18 - Monday's Card