Before I add a new chapter, let's have a quick recap to refresh everyone's memories.

CHARACTER ROUNDUP:

Angel - The nicest, kindest, most beautifullest, bestest person EVER. Every man on the planet instantly falls in love with her. The epitome of Mary Sues. Head Nurse of WCW and makes slammin' chocolate chip cookies. Fond of apricot V-neck T-shirts.  Gets her heart broken over and over again by the men in her life. In her mid-twenties, but still a virgin for a reason she has not yet clearly articulated.  Has a brother named Danny that no one (even the reading audience) has ever met. Most recently dated Chris, is currently cavorting around with Jeff "Armsocks" Hardy, the "bad boy" everyone is warning her about!


Jeff - I think Dustin's warning to Angel sums him up best: “He’s just … he’s a bad sort. Our partying all the time, going through women like water … he’s no gentleman.” 

Marie/Violet/Nightshade/Sunny  - Angel's evil arch-nemesis. The reason why she has four names is really dumb. I tried explaining it succinctly here, but it always came out too boring to read because it's so convoluted and stupid.  Once threw a hotel Bible. 

Chris - Angel's last boyfriend. From Canada. Has brown hair.  Uhm ... I don't know if thee's anything else to say about him. He's supposed to be funny and good-natured, but I don't know if that comes across in the way he's written. Anyhoo, he and Angel dated for a long while, but the machinations of Evil Marie/Violet/Nightshade/Sunny ruined all of that! Now he's with Justina, but can't seem to forget about Angel.

Justina - Chris' girlfriend. She and Chris dated in college, then broke up so he could pursue his dream of becoming a wrestler. The machinations of Evil Marie brought them back together at the expense of Chris and Angel's twu wuv.

Dustin - A tall, blonde, faux cowboy. Is married to Alex.  Is probably secretly in love with Angel.Was best friends with Barry, but their bromance met a sad end after a fight over a lady. [FLASHBACK: "Barry’s been sore ever since Alex picked me over him. It’s silly ‘cause it’s not my fault, it’s not his fault, heck, it’s not even Alex’s fault really ... I knew that it was bound to cause turbulence. But, heck, to still be arguing about it 4 ½ months after it happened?"] 

Barry - The other villain. He's sleeping with Dustin's wife, Alex. He is fun.

Scott - Dated Marie, but they broke up because he found out that she was super mean to Angel! And We! Can't! Have! That!  Is probably secretly in love with Angel. 

Rick -Scott's "wacky" brother. He likes to lecture people about not having sex (again, for a reason that has never been clearly articulated).  


Madusa, aka Deuce - Angel's only female friend. She lives far away somewhere and drive Monster Trucks. 


Bobby, Marty, Marcus, Mr. P., Brutus, Felicia, Sting, Shawn, Sherri, and about 1000 other characters:   They have disappeared into the ether, I think. Wherever they are, they lack access to modern communication devices. 

Well ... I think that does it for the major characters.  I'll pull you up to speed on the most recent plot "developments" next time. 

HOLY MOLY, people. Has it really been this long? I suppose it has.

 Well ... let's see ... what's been going on in my life to justify this sort of lapse? I got a new job, moved into a new house, and had a baby. I guess that about covers it. Even through all of that, I seriously never stopped thinking about updating this here corner of the internets. I just had other things to do first. And those things are done. So now, I'm going to do my best to keep posting until I run out of material. Judging from the look of my beloved marble notebooks, that should take a while.

Are you ready? (Just as an aside, I don't actually know if I'm talking to anyone but myself here)

COMING UP TOMORROW: A condensed recap of what's been going on (for your benefit and my own) and then ... chapter the next: ANGEL ARRIVES!

Chapter 67: Continental Breakfast

Greetings, beloved readers.

In our last installment, Angel thought about her lovelife as she drove to Jeff's. That was about it. OH, right, yes, she also put gas in her car.

Today: Chris overcooks his bagel. Enjoy!


Chapter 67: Continental Breakfast

Chris rubbed his eyes and waited for the hotel to relinquish his bagel. [I assume that I meant “hotel toaster” or something like that. Either that or this hotel has some weird ideas about key deposits.] He hadn’t slept particularly well after discovering the identity of Barry’s bedmate. Justina had kept him awake for a bit by asking him questions and trying to figure out the best plan of action, but after a while, she had fallen into a sound sleep. He, on the other hand, lay awake for what seemed like hours, turning the problem over and over in his head.
It wasn’t his business, really. Dustin wasn’t his friend—far from it—and it wasn’t his place to drop this kind of a bomb on him. Plus, maybe Dustin knew about it already. Maybe his marriage had already crumbled and Chris was just the last to know.

“Looks like your bagel’s almost on fire, there, Chris,” a voice behind him said. It was Dustin, of course. [of course! Looks like I recognized contrivance even as I wrote this! Didn’t stop me from writing it, though]

“Uhh … thanks. Yeah. I, uh, prefer them well-done,” he said, scooting the blackened bread onto a plate.

“Hey, to each his own, huh?” Dustin laughed.

“Yeah.” Chris couldn’t make eye contact with him.

“Well, enjoy.”

“Yep.”

“Chris?”

“Yeah?” He finally looked at Dustin, managing what he hoped was a friendly smile.

“I think she’s okay.”

“Uh … what?” What did that mean? Maybe Dustin knew about Barry and Alex and was fine with it. Maybe it was like a kink or something?

“Angel. You asked me to look after her. I think she’s okay.”

“Oh. Oh. Right. Angel … Yeah. Thanks, Dustin. I appreciate it. I haven’t really spoken to her since … I … uh … you using the toaster?”

“Thanks.”

“Is she … with Jeff?” Chris meant to drop it and walk away, but couldn’t.

“I don’t know, really. But she seems fine.”

“Right, yeah. None of my business anyway I guess.”

“I understand wanting to know, man.”

“Yeah.” Chris spread cream cheese on his blackened bagel.

Dustin’s phone rang. “Scuse me. Hey, sweetie. How’s your sister doing? Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. Tonight too? Well, whatever she needs. I hope I get to see you one of these nights, though, darlin’. Okay. I’ll call you later. Love you.”
Chris swallowed hard. “Catch you later, man,” he said, wrapping his bagel in a napkin. He wasn’t particularly hungry anymore. [was he really going to eat that burnt bagel in the first place?]

NOTES:

1) I think we should commend Chris for the fact that his immediate reaction to Dustin’s “she’s okay” was NOT Angel. Somehow, a character managed to think about someone other than her. Amazing. This is, however, counteracted by the fact that his anxiety about Dustin’s wife cheating on him was immediately dissolved by the mention of Her Blondness.

2) Man, I remember those toasters in the college cafeteria ... your bread either never got toasted or it got stuck behind someone else's bagel and caught on fire. Good times. There are lots of things I miss about college, but the cafeteria is not one of them.

COMING UP NEXT:

Angel shows up at the Armsocks Abode. Should someone cue the "bow chicka wow wow" music, or will Rick Steiner get there before she compromises her "morals"? Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 68 - Angel Arrives

Chapter 66: Driving South

HOLY GUACAMOLE, Y'ALL!!

Look, I didn't forget. I just got massively sidetracked. I've been thinking about updating this for months. Months!!! And now, the time has come.

Ok, so where were we? Dang, it's been a while. Let's see ...

Justina and Chris are having relations even though Chris is clearly not over Angel, for some unfathomable reason. Alex is cheating on Dustin with Barry, who continues to be awesome. Marie/Violet/Nightshade is trying to lure Scott back into her Evil Web for some reason that probably has to do with Angel, and Angel is embarking upon a seriously gross "relationship" with Jeff "Armsocks" Hardy. Bobby, Felicia, and Mysterious Brother Danny have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Or maybe they're hanging out with Mr. P. and Brutus.

Well, now that we're all up to speed, let's get on with this mess.


Chapter 66: Driving South

Angel’s mind was unusually clear as the miles accumulated on her odometer. The farther south she drove, the less stressed she felt [that’s probably because there’s a lot less traffic down here]. She was escaping—albeit temporarily—to an unfamiliar place with a relatively unfamiliar person. [note to Angel: this also sounds like a set-up for a horror movie. Just saying]

“Well,” she reasoned to herself, “it’s not entirely unfamiliar … I mean, I’ve been there plenty of times for shows, but to stay somewhere other than a hotel … and with Jeff … that is of course, the unfamiliar thrill.” [good gravy, she even THINKS with ellipses.]

And, truth be told, she was way less apprehensive than she had any right to be. But Jeff didn’t intimidate her, and oddly enough, neither did the prospect of losing her virginity to him—what made Angel feel sick with anger, pain, and confusion was Chris. Driving away from Chris, therefore, seemed like the best idea in the world. She knew it was only temporary, but that fact did not deter her in the slightest.

She remembered when Marty had first suggested sex to her. [Was it before or after he had the flu for seven months?]. They had been dating for a while and, looking back on it, Angel thought that the notion of them having sex was probably way less monumental to Marty than it had been to her. She had been young—quite a few years younger than him—and just embarking upon a new career. Marty was sweet and warm [that was probably the fever], and always seemed perfectly content to wait until Angel was ready.

Until, of course, he cheated on her with Marie.

“Didn’t even have the guts to tell me himself,” she muttered to herself.

But that was the pattern, wasn’t it? Find a wonderful guy, be magically happy, keep him physically distant, get cheated on, find out from someone else.

But that would change with Jeff. The pattern would break. Jeff would get the reverse—her body, but not her heart.

She pulled into the gas station and filled the tank. [a pivotal plot point, no doubt] Before resuming her trip, she called Jeff.

“Hey there. Just letting you know I’m about forty minutes away, according to these directions.”

“That sounds great, Angel. I’m psyched. Hey, do you like ranch dressing?” [un-oh, this sounds kinky]

“Who doesn’t?”

“People with no taste, I guess. I’ll see you soon.”

Angel smiled, closed the phone [wooo flip-phones! I’ve still got one!], and started the engine.


NOTES:

1) I don't remember when I wrote this one, but it was obviously after the invention of non-Zack-Morris-sized cell phones. This fact is embarrassing.


COMING UP NEXT:

We get back into the Dustin/Alex/Barry plot as Chris tries to figure out what to do with his burdensome knowledge. There is a toaster involved. Tune in next time for ...
Chapter 67: Continental Breakfast

Chapter 65: Discovery

Well, it turns out that finishing your dissertation does not automatically equal having no work to do. Silly me. Apologies for the unduly long hiatus. I'm sure I lost all but my most stalwart readers with that break. I understand. I don't have that kind of patience with blogs either.

But if you're here, hi! Welcome back.

Where were we? Ahhhhhhh yes. Angel was rapidly falling prey to Jeff's irresistible charm and armsocks. (charmsocks?) After a stupid phone conversation with Madusa, she decides to go and visit him in NC, where she plans on giving up the goods.

Violet/Marie/Nightshade/whatever lured Scott back into her evil web of seductive lies. For some reason.

Chris and Justina had the good fortune to get stuck in a hotel room next to Barry, who spent the evening entertaining a lady friend.

I think that brings us up to speed. Therefore, with no further ado, I humbly present:


Chapter 65: Discovery

“Again?” Justina cried. “How did we get stuck in a room right next to Barry and his bevy of beauties again?”

“Dumb luck, I guess.”

“I’m going to start banging on the wall with a hockey stick. That always worked in college.” [oh, how Canadian of them!]

“No hocked sticks here. You can use my boot.”

“Ugg. [as in Ugg boot? Somehow I didn’t picture Chris as wearing Ugg boots. But now I totally will.] Let’s just put the TV on again.”

“This lady is just as loud as the one in Harrisburg.”

“I know.” Justina tried burying her head under a pillow. “Oh the plus side,” she said in a muffled voice, “Now I can’t breathe.” She emerged and climbed out of bed. “Where’s the boot?”

“Foss, you can’t. I’ll make sure not to get a room next to him next time. I promise.”

She sighed. “Fine.”

“Come back to bed. I’ll find us a nice infomercial.”

“Chris? Listen.”

“Foss … eew.”

“It’s the same woman.”

“I reaffirm: eew.”

“It is!”

“So?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Saying what?”

“That I’m a busybody.”

“You can say that again. Give me the remote.”

“Hang on … I can almost make out her name.”

“Foss! Give them some privacy!”

“Privacy? If they wanted privacy, they’d moan more quietly. And they’d stop shouting each others’ names so effusively.”

“Effusively?”

“I know big words.” She left the bed. [when did she get back in bed? How can I not maintain continuity when there are only two characters in one room?]

“Apparently. Where are you going?”

“The bathroom.”

“Justina … you are not using a glass to listen in.”

“Gross. Of course not. I just have to pee.”

She reemerged a few minutes later. “Besides, I don’t need one. That last volley of theirs featured impressive enunciation.”

“Mystery solved.” Chris yawned and closed his eyes. “I think they’re done. Goodnight, Foss.”

“Night, Chris. And goodnight Barry and Alex.” She snuggled next to him.

Chris’ eyes snapped open. “Alex?”

“Yep. Problem?”

“No. I mean … it can’t be.”

“What?”

“Just a coincidence, I’m sure.”

“What?” Justina sat up.

“Another guy’s wife has the same name. But I’m sure it’s a common name and all.”

“Well, if this goes the same way it went in Harrisburg, she’ll be leaving in a few minutes. Look out the peephole.”

“Foss, that’s ridiculous.”

“Come on.”

“It’s none of my business.”

“Tell me what she looks like,” Justina said, walking to the door.

“You’re being insanely nosy,” he said, but he followed her and looked out the peephole. [how big is that peephole that both of them can look out of it at the same time?] Nothing. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Shh! She’s leaving!”

Chris watched the hallway. He heard Barry’s door open. There was muttering and giggling, and then, she walked towards the elevator, past Chris and Justina’s room.

It was Alexandra York Rhodes.


NOTES:

1) OHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, were any of you surprised? No one? Huh.

2) I can't help it. I still kind of like Justina and Chris. Maybe it's just the fact that she's not Angel, but I remember having fun writing their scenes way back when.

3) Speaking of way back when: thin walls, love triangles, level 20 drama ... hoo boy, there are a few things about college I will probably never miss. (things I do miss include, but are not limited to: eating pierogies at 2 AM, DDR marathons, being used as a human jump-rope)


COMING UP NEXT ...

Oh boy! We will be treated to one of Angel's extended internal monologues. Now there's a way to get readers back. Tune in next time for ...

Chapter 66: Driving South

Chapter 64: Violet's Dilemma

Dissertation: DONE! That's right, ladies and gents. If all goes well, by this time a week from now, you can call me Dr. Fuzzy Octopus. (note: Please do. It'll make the last 8 years seem somehow worth it.)

Well then ... this calls for a celebration ... and I know just the thing: a 100% Angel-free chapter! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Enjoy!:


Chapter 64: Violet’s Dilemma

Chris and Angel had split. Angel seemed relatively miserable for a while there, which was, of course, fabulous, but seemed to have bounced back, and that was rather distressing. On top of all of that, Chris had shown little interest in Violet herself, which left Marie feeling bored and slightly offended. There had to be something else she could do. But Chris was not particularly interesting anymore. So instead she decided to go a different route.

And when you really came down to it, she reasoned, why the hell was she interested in Angel’s leftovers? [uhm, because that’s your M.O.?] But … it would be dangerous to keep her too far away. No—best to stay informed. But being Violet wasn’t doing anything for her anymore. Time to go back—if she could.

She laughed at that thought. Of course she could. She was Marie, Nightshade, Violet. Three in one. And she knew who to call.

------------------------

Scott sat in the diner finishing his second cup of coffee. She was late. Of course she was late. What had even possessed him to agree to meet her in the first place? This was completely ridiculous. He signaled to the waitress for the check.

And then she slid into the booth across from him.

“Hey,” she said. “Sorry I’m late. I hit some traffic on the way. Scott … you look good.”

“Thanks. You too.” This was an understatement. She had a new haircut—soft layers that framed her face, [ah, the Rachel] and wore a low-cut black top that made it difficult for Scott to keep his eyes on her face.

“Thanks for meeting me here, Scott. I’m sure your gut told you not to.”

“Hey, when have I ever listened to that? What’s up, Marie?”

“How have you been?”

“Good and bad. You know. You?”

“Same.” The waitress approached with a menu. “I’ll have an earl grey tea and a grilled cheese sandwich,” [mmm, grilled cheese sandwich.] she said, waving the menu away. “Scott, I’m just going to be blunt with you, here. I miss you. I know we had issues, and they were mostly my fault—I know I had a jealous streak—but how could I not be jealous? You are an amazing man, and I was so incredibly lucky to be yours. And I was happier with you than I’ve ever been—and I haven’t been happy since we split. I don’t expect you to just drop everything and be with me now. I just wanted to tell you.”

Scott exhaled and leaned back. “Marie. Wow. That’s … that’s a lot to process. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything right now, Scott. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”

“Ok. I appreciate that, Marie.”

The waitress brought her food. She stirred sugar into her tea.

“I dated this one guy a couple months ago. He seemed like a gem, you know? Kind, smart, friendly. Too friendly, turns out.”

“He … cheated on you?”

“Yep,” Marie said, sipping her tea. “Caught him red-handed. Had his tongue down his secretary’s throat.” [how cliché.]

“Yikes. Sorry, Marie.”

“Yeah, thanks.” She dabbed at the corners of her eyes with a napkin. “Guess it happens.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Scott said. He folded and unfolded a corner of the placemat. [don’t you love diner placemats? They always have the best local ads on them. This one in my hometown had an ad for laser hair removal that featured the vilest “before” picture ever. It was very appetizing.]

“Scott,” Marie said, reaching for his hand. A bold move, she thought, but what do you know? It worked. He let her hand cover his. “What happened?”

A muscle in his jaw twitched. [Contain the rage, Scott. Contain the rage.] “Same old story. Boy meets girl, falls for girl, girl runs into her ex-boyfriend and screws him.” [LOL. Not.]

“Ouch. Sorry, Scott. You don’t deserve that.”

Scott shrugged and picked up half of Marie’s sandwich. She grinned at him.

“Can I?”

“Scott, would I have ordered your favorite food and not expected you to snatch half of it?” [grilled cheese sandwiches are his favorite food? What about Angel’s cookies?]

He responded by taking a bite. “So what did you to? To your ex?”

“Nothing.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“He had a $200 bottle of scotch that I might have poured down the drain and replaced with apple juice.”

“That’s pretty tame for you.”

“I know. I definitely considered going the Molotov cocktail route with the scotch, but I’ve matured.” She sipped her tea.

“Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve still got an edge.”

“I’m sure you do.” He ate the rest of her sandwich.

“Hey! You’re paying for that!” she said playfully.

“Maybe I was planning on it anyway, M.” [when did he start calling her that? Or was I suddenly too lazy to write out her whole name?]

Marie smiled.

--------------------

NOTES:

1) What, exactly, was Violet's titular dilemma? She's bored? I guess that's a dilemma. Look, Vi, I don't know if you've read any of the other chapters, but hanging out with Scott is pretty much the opposite of a cure for boredom.

2) How many of you think that Rick was hiding in the booth right behind them, perhaps wearing some sort of inconspicuous disguise, such as a fedora, trenchcoat, and Groucho Marx glasses-nose-eyebrows ensemble?

3) Earl grey tea is what Captain Picard favors. I know this because my brother is quite a fan of Star Trek and any time we are out at a restaurant, he orders "Earl Grey. Hot." in a Captain Picard voice. I guess nerdiness runs in my family. To the best of my knowledge, however, he has never written Star Trek fan fiction.


COMING UP NEXT:

Oh boy! More Chris/Justina/Barry hotel shenanigans. No, not like that.

Chapter 65: Discovery

Chapter 63: Revelation

Hi again! Obligatory apologies. But look, folks. Once this dissertation is in the bag, I'll have ass-tons of time for this. Not only this, but also video games and television and napping and other important things that I've neglected a lot lately.

So ... where were we? Ah, yes, Barry was GETTIN IT AWN in the hotel room next to Chris and Justina, who are slowly realizing that Chris is never going to get over Angel, because she is the paragon of all virtues. And blonde. For her part, Angel is juuuuust about to call Jeff Hardy. I'll bet you can't wait to see what happens when she does.

Chapter 63: Revelation

Angel had spent the better part of the weekend mulling over her conversation with Madusa. On the one hand, she had been completely right about one thing: Angel had been thinking of her virginity as a burden—something she just wanted to be rid of so that she could move on [that’s really healthy. I hope there are some impressionable young people out there reading this.] On the other hand, move on to what? To life past Chris? Angel had no doubts that her breakup with Chris was fueling this, but she didn’t think it was out of a need for revenge. This wasn’t about Chris so much as it was about herself—her ability to decide this for herself [as opposed to what? Who else is supposed to decide that for you? Oh, I already regret asking.] But Madusa was right about one thing: [you mean one thing in addition to that first thing you mentioned?] she had to tell Jeff. And sooner rather than later. No sense driving all the way down there just to have him laugh at her, or be so freaked out that he asked her to leave [clearly the reaction you should expect from somebody you plan on sleeping with.]

So she bit the bullet. She called Jeff.

“Hey Jeff. This is Angel.”

“Hey there pretty lady.” [DAYUM he is SMOOVE]

They exchanged pleasantries, made flirtatious jokes [what, we’re not privy to them? Tragic]. Jeff was so disarmingly charming that Angel almost forgot why she had called him in the first place.

“Jeff … in all seriousness, I do have one thing I wanted to tell you before I came down next week.”

“Okay.” His tone got less playful. “Shoot.”

“Well … okay … this is going to sound really crazy, I know, but it’s something you should know, and if you don’t want me to come down because it’s too much, then just say the word.”

“What is it, Angel? Oh man … you aren’t … are you married?”

“What! No!” Angel laughed. “No!”

“Thank God. Been there. That’s a mess.”

“There went one of your fifth amendments, Hardy.” She was still in semi-hysterics.

“Hey, don’t laugh! That was a bad time for me!” But he was starting to chuckle himself. [because nothing is funnier than adultery. Oh, the hilarity!]

“I’m sure,” Angel said, collecting herself. “It’s just … well … it’s pretty much the exact opposite of what I’m going to tell you.”

“You’re … not married?”

“Correct.”

“Okay …”

“And … Jeff, I’m a virgin.”

Jeff was dumbfounded.

“Hello?”

“Uh … no, still here, Angel. Sorry, you just caught me off guard there.”

“So … look. I know it’s weird, but it’s true, and I’m not telling you this because I don’t want to come down anymore. I’m telling you this because I do. I want to come down there and … be with you.”

“Wow.”

“But like I said, I know this is weird, and if it’s too much for you to handle [then I probably shouldn’t be sleeping with you anyway, so maybe I should get to know you first … oh, wait, that’s not what she said], I understand. We can call it off.”

“No … Wow. Uhm … wow. Look, I’m not gonna lie. This is a little weird. But hey, Angel, I like you, Okay? I like you. And I think it would be cool to get to know you with your clothes on.” [that’s really romantic.]

“Jeff …”

“And …” He said, anticipating her protest, “And … if you still want to when you get down here, we’ll just … take it from there, okay?”

“Okay.” Angel smiled into the phone. “Uhm … no pressure.”

Jeff laughed. “What pressure? Not like you have anyone to compare me to.” [SNAP!]

“You’re an ass,” she said dryly, still smiling.

“I can be,” he said.

“But look, I meant what I said at brunch. I really don’t want anything serious, sex or no sex.”

“Understood. And I’m with you. Or not, as the case may be.”

“Cool. I’ll see you in a week or so, Jeff.”

“Can’t wait, Angel.”

“Me either.”

NOTES:

1) I think I need a shower. Not a cold shower. One of those chemical showers you take after you’ve been contaminated by some sort of biohazard. Jefgel is so vile.

2) I know what you’re wondering: WTF was wrong with me? Yeah, I really have no answer. My best guess is that I watched a lot of Dawson’s Creek, and that show propagated some seriously unhealthy ideas of sexuality. My other guess is that even as a college student, I had no idea how adults participated in healthy intimate relationships.

Ok then. Let’s shake that one off, shall we?

Coming up next …

Oh boy! Here comes a character I’ll be you’ve almost forgotten about. Try to figure out which one in … Chapter 64: Violet’s Dilemma