Chapter 61: Deuce

When we last left our witless crew of characters, Chris and Justina were making the impossibly harrowing trek from Baltimore to Harrisburg. Today, Angel calls and old friend on the phone and gets some remarkably reasonable advice.

Now if you're like me, ever since that episode of The Office where Michael said: "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to... drop a deuce on everybody," you giggle when you hear the word "Deuce." If this is the case for you, then get ready to chuckle your way through ...


Chapter 61: Deuce

As soon as Angel had hung up the phone, she knew she had made a crazy mistake. But she also knew she couldn’t very well call Jeff back and un-invite herself [uhm, why not?] And mostly, she wanted to go visit him. She wanted to get away from life for a while—to not have to go to work early and leave late so she wouldn’t have to see Chris—to not have to glare at every woman with red hair just in case she was the one. A break was most assuredly in order. But this? This was crazy.

“Because I can’t not have sex with him,” she said aloud to the empty room. [uhm, again, why not? Are you planning on slipping yourself some roofies?]

That was wrong. Obviously she could do whatever she wanted. More accurately, then: “Because I want to have sex with him. And I’m going to. Aaaaaaaaaand … I’m talking to myself. This is why I need female friends.” She rubbed her temples and flopped down on her hotel bed. [how did she get to her hotel? Wasn’t she just in her office?] She opened her address book and flipped through the names.

“Madusa!” she nearly squealed. It had been a while, but she hoped her old friend would be awake. [how does the first half of that sentence relate to the second half of that sentence?]

“Hello?”

“Deuce!”

“Angel!”

“Sorry to call so late.”

“Not a problem. How the hell are you?”

“Good. Crazy. Good.”

They spent the next hour catching up. Madusa, as it turned out, had gotten into racing monster trucks, and had no intention of returning to the business. [I did not make that up]

“I wouldn’t mind a break myself,” said Angel. “Which brings me to my current situation.”

“Angel, are you thinking of leaving because of what happened with Chris?”

“No. Not leaving. Just going on a vacation.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

“A vacation with Jeff. At his house in North Carolina.”

“Ang, that sounds better than not bad.”

“I know. But … Deuce, I have a weird question.”

“Shoot.”

“So … I’m pretty sure we’re going to have sex.”

“Yeah …?”

“Well … this will be … my first time.”

“Wait … seriously?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. Ok. Well, are you sure you want it to be with Jeff?”

“I think so. Deuce, do you think he will be able to tell?”

“He doesn’t know?”

“Nope.”

“And you’re not planning on telling him in advance?”

“I don’t know. Won’t that be awkward?” [not as awkward as, say, having sex with someone that you don’t trust enough to be honest with about the fact that you’ve never had sex before.]

“I can think of several potentially awkward things about this situation.”

“I know.”

“You really should tell him. Otherwise, he’ll go in with guns blazing.”

“What does that mean?”

“Angel …”

“Ok, Ok, I know what you mean. But how do I bring this up?” [didn’t have to ask that last time you were in a hotel room with Jeff. BOOYA!]

“How about the direct approach? Couple that with honesty and you’re good to go.”

“He’s going to think I’m a huge freak.” [tell him he can take a number]

“And if he does, he’s not worth your virginity.”

That thought gave Angel pause. [maybe it’s because it’s the first sensible thing any character has ever said in this entire tome]

“I’m right, Angel.”

“I know.”

“Your virginity isn’t, like, this disease you’ve got to get rid of so you can be a normal person. It’s your body and your decision.”

“I know. I just feel like it’s a weight around my neck, you know? Something I should have gotten over with when I was a teenager.”

“I think you’d be amazed how many people wish they could take a good deal of the decisions they made as a teenager back.”

“I just … it’s like it’s become this huge deal … something bigger than it has to be.”

“According to who?”

“I don’t know, Deuce. To me, I guess. I always thought that waiting until marriage was the safest option, because then I’d be sure that the guy I lost it to would never hurt me, but I know that’s a fantasy. People hurt people. And Chris wanted to marry me, but that wasn’t enough for me. I don’t trust guys, Deuce, and I’m not entirely sure that that’s a bad thing. I don’t need to trust Jeff for this.”

“Angel, that’s ridiculous.”

“That’s not what I mean entirely. I mean, I do trust him to respect me and to be careful about stuff, but I don’t’ trust him with my heart, because he’ll never get it. “

“So you’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“That he’s getting your cherry [gross] or that he’s not getting your heart?”

“Deuce!” Angel groaned. She then added: “Both.”

“You have to tell him.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Before you have sex with him.”

“I get it, Madusa, I get it.”

“Just checking.”

“It’s going to hurt, isn’t it?”

“Probably. Maybe. I think it does for most women. This is, of course, one of the main reasons for you to tell him. Guns blazing, Ang.” [I think we all could have done without that reminder.]

“Duly noted. Thanks for the advice.”

“Of course. Ang—just remember something—you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. And you don’t need to get back at Chris via having sex with Jeff.”

Angel was silent.

“Ang?”

“I hear you, Deuce. Maybe … maybe it’s not about getting back at him …” She sniffled audibly; the tears were starting. “Maybe it’s about forgetting him. When I was with Jeff, I never thought about Chris.”

“Angel?” Madusa said gently, “If you replaced the word ‘Jeff’ with ‘booze’ or ‘pills,’ I’d be worried.”

“But I didn’t.”

“No. And I don’t mean to lecture you … I’m just saying be careful. Do what feels right. Don’t force anything. And most importantly …”

“Yes?”

“Call me when you get back.”

Angel laughed. “I will. And Madusa?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks.”


NOTES

1) I could make a gross comment about Madusa's "don't force anything" advice, but I will restrain myself. Instead, I will just giggle. Hee hee!!!

2) I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel kind of sorry for Angel. Trying to erase one guy with another. I've been there, lady. Sometimes you're better off with booze or pills. Not that I've ever really had either. Except that time at my rehearsal dinner where I was so stressed out by my mother-in-law that I actually had a rum and coke in the hopes that it would mellow me out. It worked. It tasted like nasty on fire, but it worked. Wait, where was I? Oh yes. My larger point is that using people to get over other people can make just as much trouble as using various substances. Now that I can attest to. Man, I did a lot of stupid things when I was in college. Without booze or pills.

3) Can you imagine how different this conversation would have been if Angel had called Rick instead?


COMING UP NEXT ...

Yay, another Angel-free chapter! Not only Angel-free ... but ... ellipses for emphasis ... BARRY-FULL! Whee! Tune in next week for ...

Chapter 62: Harrisburg