March Madness is in full swing. You know what that means? That’s right: soap operas on CBS are pre-empted. So where can you turn for maudlin love scenes, unrealistic characters, bizarrely constructed revenge attempts, and plots so thin you can see through them? Here, of course. [No disrespect to CBS soaps. I’ve been watching Guiding Light for 15 years. It’s much better these days than it has been in the past. Even though Reva is pregnant and post-menopausal and has cancer and is on her sixteenth husband, it’s still better than all those times when Reva was Amish and a ghost and a clone and could read minds and fought Nazis by walking through a painting. None of that is made up. But I digress …]. Today at Unabashedly Bad, we begin a new chapter that will be split into three exciting parts. Is that too much for y’all to handle? The suspense begins in …
Chapter 33: Turning up the Heat (part I)
Violet Royce walked brusquely down the hall of the Laurel Heights Civic Center. The night’s main event, Chris Benoit and Bobby Eaton against Ricky Steamboat and Shane Douglas [that’s the main event? Yikes.] had ended in a double countout minutes earlier. Violet stopped around a corner near the “heel” dressing room. She smiled and waited quietly.
Inside the dressing room, Bobby and Chris had just changed into street clothes [shower scene implied, at the very least].
“All ready for your ‘party’ tonight, Bobby?”
“I guess.”
“Well, don’t’ be so enthusiastic, said Chris, dripping with sarcasm [he himself is dripping? Eew.]. “C’mon Bob, lighten up a little. It’ll be fun!”
“Yeah.”
“Angel’s at seven. Don’t forget.” [gasp! A nighttime party? I certainly hope there will be cookies and bell peppers.]
“I won’t.”
Chris gave Bobby a pat on the back and left the room. Bobby sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was have a party.
Violet heard the door creak open. She peered out into the corridor, made sure Chris was the one exiting, and unbuttoned the front of her shirt just a little. [harlot!] She hurried out of her hiding spot and bumped into Chris.
“Oh! I’m so sorry!”
“Violet! We’ve got to stop meeting each other like this!”
Violet laughed.
“I’m sorry to have to leave you so soon, Violet, but I’ve got to talk to someone.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Angelica Kerris. Know her?”
“Uhh … no, sorry.”
“Well, I’m sure she’d love to meet you. All her friends are guys, you know. If she doesn’t make a few more female friends, her membership to the Lorena Bobbit Fan Club will be revoked!” [oh, castration humor!]
Violet laughed as though it were the funniest thing she ever heard.
“Oh, Chris. I’d love to, but I’m in a bit of a rush myself. Ole is expecting me to file some things for him [bow chicka wow wow]. Nice to bump into you again.”
“Literally! You too. Take care.”
They both walked off in different directions. Chris, to Angel’s office. Violet, to the parking lot.
“Hey, Angel-face,” Chris greeted, bouncing into her office.
“Hi, Chris.”
Chris locked his arms around Angel’s waist and kissed her. After a few seconds, Angel pulled away. “Sorry, Chris. If I’m gonna be able to clean up this place and get home before six-thirty, I’d better hurry.”
“Want some help?”
“I’d love some. Thanks.” For the next half-hour, they tidied up the office. [half an hour with two people? WTF did she do in there? Reenact Nickelodeon’s awesome game show Finders Keepers? My mom never liked it when my brother and I tried to play our own home version.]
At six o’clock, they arrived at Angel’s house. From six to six-thirty, they set up for Bobby’s party. After they were done, Chris and Angel kissed for a while. [no time table for that?]
“I’m so worried about Bobby,” said Angel, pulling back from Chris’s lips.
“Why?”
“Oh, Chris, didn’t you see how weird he’s been acting lately?”
Before Chris could reply, the doorbell rang. Angel jumped up to answer it.
“Hi Bobby! Come in!” [It’s Bobby? Wait … where are the other guests? Three people is not a party. It’s three people hanging out in a living room. WTF did Angel have to “set up”? Was there a piñata?]
“Hi Angelica. Hey Chris,” Bobby greeted, stepping into Angel’s house. She hung up his coat.
“Bobby, before we get this party started, you have to talk to us.” She led him to the couch and he sat next to Chris. She sat next to him. “What’s going on with you, Bobby?” she asked.
“I dunno, I guess I’m just going to miss you guys.”
“C’mon Bob. We may be dumb, but we’re not stupid.”
Bobby drew in a long breath. “Linda and I are separating.”
“Oh, Bobby, I’m so sorry.” Angel touched his hand.
“Why? I thought things were going great with you guys,” Chris asked.
“They were.”
“So what happened?”
“It was that goddamned son of a … ‘scuse me.”
Angel dismissed his apology with a wave of her hand. [how benevolent of her]
“It was Anderson.”
“What’d he do?”
“He went up to Linda and convinced her that I was having an affair with you.” He gestured towards Angel with a jerk of his thumb. [not with Chris? But the showering, Bobby … didn’t that mean anything to you?]
To be continued …
NOTES:
1) I don’t know why I titled this chapter “Turning Up the Heat.” I suppose that I initially planned to make it more about Violet’s Evil Plan, but then got sidetracked by this compelling plot about Clippy (tm Carters).
2) Worst. Party. Ever. Sting would be ashamed.
3) Well of course Linda thinks Clippy and Angel are having an affair. Who would trust her husband around Angel, she of the radiant smile and shining hair and scrumtrulescent figure and wondrous heart and never-ending supply of tissues and hugs? I sure wouldn’t.
4) Good ol’ Arn. Pulling a Iago. Let’s cross our fingers that Angel is the Desdemona here instead of Linda. Although maybe I shouldn’t make any references to wife-killing when one of my main characters is … ahh, nevermind. That’s just wrong. And this blog is, if nothing else, a paragon of good taste.
How will Changel react to Bobby’s news? How long will it take before someone starts bawling? Will the party get any better? Will any of the characters make any coffee? All of these questions will be answered in …
Chapter 33: Turning Up the Heat (part II)
2 comments:
Heh. Clippy. Would Linda be the dog from the Search function?
And was "party" always in quotes at the start of the chapter? Because that would make Chris relatively snarky, and I always like that.
I loved FK on Nick. Little known fact: one of the hosts (Wesley?) was the original Mike Horton on Days of our Lives. Which segues nicely into the only thing I know about Guiding Light is the "Rick!"/"Ridge!" bit they featured on The Soup.
"Party" was indeed always in quotes. I'm not sure why, but hey, if you want to give Chris some snark points, who am I to take them away?
NICE connection between FK and daytime TV. Alas, Rick/Ridge is from The Bold and the Beautiful, which I only watch when I'm home visiting with my grandma. Daytime soaps are kind of awkward to watch with grandmas these days. Everyone has huge boobs that they fling around into bed with everyone else.
Another awkward moment moment with my grandma last time we watched TV (not that you asked): the hint for puzzle on Wheel of Fortune was "What Are You Doing?" and the solution to the puzzle was "Googling Myself." She does not understand computers or the internet and was thus extremely offended until I explained things.
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