the missing links

Here is what, to the best of my recollection, was in the pages missing from this epic story:

“Middle Names” – The passion with which I loved Marty Jannetty was only rivaled by the passion with which I hated Miss Elizabeth. For those of you not in the know, Miss Elizabeth was The Macho Man’s valet (and wife … I was totally at their “wedding” during Summerslam 91). I couldn’t stand this woman. Something about her just irked me. So I wrote her into the story as Anjel’s first arch nemesis. My memory is a bit fuzzy on some of the details, but the first line of the story was: “More than anything, Anjel hated her middle name.”

Anyhoo, there’s a match set up between Marty and the Macho Man. At some point, Macho looks like he’s in trouble, so Elizabeth rips off the bottom of her dress to distract the referee (that’s what she did in “real life” at Summerslam 88). Marty loses the match because of this. Then Mean Gene interviews both Anjel and Miss Elizabeth. I distinctly remember juxtaposing scenes of Anjel and Elizabeth selecting outfits in preparation for their interviews. Liz puts on a low-cut top and a short skirt, while Anjel puts on a long red t-shirt, cinched at the waist with a black belt and a pair of black spandex. Hawt. Liz fawns and simpers through the interview and Anjel is the epitome of cool. She also says ripping off your skirt to distract the referee was a cheap thing to do, which sends ripples of controversy throughout the WWF. I actually even wrote a mock letters to the editor section of WWF magazine with fans across the country writing in on who they thought was right: Anjel or Elizabeth. Elizabeth does have some supporters (I believe I intentionally made them sound stupid in their letters) but most fans side with Anjel. Elizabeth will not stand for this! Look out, Anjel … this is gonna come back to bite you on your spandex-covered ass!

I don’t remember anything else actually happening … the only thing I know for sure is that the last lines were: “Charlotte ELIZABETH Theodosia put the magazine down and sighed. Now you know why she hated her middle name?” I asked all the tough questions.

I think there are only two things you need to take away from this story: 1) Marty really isn’t in it. I was slowly discovering that he was pretty boring on the whole. 2) Anjel is a total prude. (coincidentally, so was I)

“The Cetaminifin story” - Shawn is sick and Sherri doesn’t know what to do. So she calls Anjel, who is, of course, a nurse, and therefore the only person she could possibly think of to call. Sherri says she’s going to give Shawn Cetaminifin. What is that? I don’t know. I suppose it sounded a lot like acetaminophen, which I was fairly certain was some sort of medicine. Anyhoo, Anjel quickly saves the day by letting her know that Shawn is allergic to Cetaminifin. He had confessed that horrible secret to Marty during their days of being BFF. Unlike Shawn, who uses Marty’s debilitating daisy allergy for evil in Chapter 1, Marty uses this knowledge for good.

Also, in this chapter, Marty is sick too … and thus once again has almost zero involvement in the story.

My absolute favorite part is the only one I remember with any degree of clarity. When Anjel gets the distress call from Sherri, she is sitting at a table working. I couldn’t just leave it at that. What is she working on? A math problem. I actually wrote “Anjel was working on a math problem.” One of her neighbors asked her to figure out how much money they should pay their son’s tutor, because they needed to pay twice as much as they did for his violin lessons, but more than half as much as they did for his soccer lessons. Sounds amazingly like something right out of a fifth-grade math textbook, no?

I know there was more … because the next chapter I have is Chapter 9, but I’m drawing a blank right now. If I ever recall anything, you’ll be the first to know!

Coming next: Chapter 9, "Reunited" ... it's a doozy.